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bednobs update - not good news i'm afraid
hi all, just posting to let you all know how i am doing as some of you have been very kind to ask i think it will be quite helpful to me to write down wahts in my mind anyway.
Unfortunately, when i went for my obs appointment this week, thye found that the baby has not grown enough since the last scan. This is owing to placental insufficiency -the placenta is not giving the baby all it needs. The only rememdy is to deliver, but the baby is too small to survive (showing at 22.5 weeks, despite me being 26 weeks) and it is only 1lb.
This is really too awful to even write down, but i now just have to wait for the baby to die and then deliver. I have to have another scan next week, or if i stop feeling movemenents before then, ring up and go in to be induced. There are so many things going through my head, yet i know there is worse to come. I have an overwhelming feeling of having let everyone down. This baby was so wanted and i couldn't even look after it. I am 36 now and probably wont have another chance, even if i did want to try. I just have sat at home for the last few days, watching dvd's and surfing because as soon as i stop i start to think, about what labour will be like, about silly things like funerals, registering a birth and death on the same day, whether you can even get a dead baby christened, things i can't say out loud, wondering if i want to go on, all the while both dreading and anticipating any movements because each one is like a knife in the heart
I know this is heavy stuff for what is essentially a frothy website, and i'm sorry, i just need to get it out
Unfortunately, when i went for my obs appointment this week, thye found that the baby has not grown enough since the last scan. This is owing to placental insufficiency -the placenta is not giving the baby all it needs. The only rememdy is to deliver, but the baby is too small to survive (showing at 22.5 weeks, despite me being 26 weeks) and it is only 1lb.
This is really too awful to even write down, but i now just have to wait for the baby to die and then deliver. I have to have another scan next week, or if i stop feeling movemenents before then, ring up and go in to be induced. There are so many things going through my head, yet i know there is worse to come. I have an overwhelming feeling of having let everyone down. This baby was so wanted and i couldn't even look after it. I am 36 now and probably wont have another chance, even if i did want to try. I just have sat at home for the last few days, watching dvd's and surfing because as soon as i stop i start to think, about what labour will be like, about silly things like funerals, registering a birth and death on the same day, whether you can even get a dead baby christened, things i can't say out loud, wondering if i want to go on, all the while both dreading and anticipating any movements because each one is like a knife in the heart
I know this is heavy stuff for what is essentially a frothy website, and i'm sorry, i just need to get it out
Answers
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on....
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on....
18:55 Sun 22nd Aug 2010
i hope nobody minds, but i am going to write down what happened, partly because i don't want to forget it, and partly because i want to tell someone. Firstly, our beautiful daughter, Heather Elizabeth was born on 19/8/10 at 20:45 pm, and she will always be loved.
here is what happened
i was given some pills to make my body think it wasn't pregnant anymore on wednesday morning. They take 48 hours to work, then you get admitted to hospital to have some pills to make contractions start. I had no idea the process was so long - when i found out Heather had died i thought i would be taken into hospital and induced straight away, but instead you have to just carry on as "normal" for 2 days
Anyway, i was booked to go into hospital on friday morning to have contractions started -they warned me labour might take 36 hours, but that i could have a morphine PCA pump to control the pain.
Anyway, on thursday afternoon i started to get period like cramps and a small amount of bleeding. I rang the hospital and they said that sounded normal, but i could come in if i wanted. The "cramps" started to get a bit worse so i asked mr b to take me in. As i was stepping out of the front door i had an urge to push. We got in the car and i delivered her on the way to the hospital (well, she was 1/2 in, 1/2 out). When we got to the hospital (longest car journey of my life) they took me to a delivery room, and i gave 1 push and she was completely delivered, along with the placenta. They dressed her for us, and wrapped her in the blanket that her grandma made her with love. We then spent some time with her, talking to her, being with her and holding her. The hospital chaplain came at about 11:30pm to Christen her/bless her and was with us for about 30 minutes
here is what happened
i was given some pills to make my body think it wasn't pregnant anymore on wednesday morning. They take 48 hours to work, then you get admitted to hospital to have some pills to make contractions start. I had no idea the process was so long - when i found out Heather had died i thought i would be taken into hospital and induced straight away, but instead you have to just carry on as "normal" for 2 days
Anyway, i was booked to go into hospital on friday morning to have contractions started -they warned me labour might take 36 hours, but that i could have a morphine PCA pump to control the pain.
Anyway, on thursday afternoon i started to get period like cramps and a small amount of bleeding. I rang the hospital and they said that sounded normal, but i could come in if i wanted. The "cramps" started to get a bit worse so i asked mr b to take me in. As i was stepping out of the front door i had an urge to push. We got in the car and i delivered her on the way to the hospital (well, she was 1/2 in, 1/2 out). When we got to the hospital (longest car journey of my life) they took me to a delivery room, and i gave 1 push and she was completely delivered, along with the placenta. They dressed her for us, and wrapped her in the blanket that her grandma made her with love. We then spent some time with her, talking to her, being with her and holding her. The hospital chaplain came at about 11:30pm to Christen her/bless her and was with us for about 30 minutes
We had been out that day to buy her her first and only teddy bear, and we had taken a picture of us to go with her so she wasn't on her own. The hospital took some pictures of the three of us together; my little family.
because their special room with a double bed wasn't available, mr B went home about 2:30am. We said our goodbyes, and they took her away.
The next morning i asked them to measure and weigh her. Not that it matters in the slightest, but i had woken up in the night desperately wanting to know.
We are collecting the paperwork from the register office tomorrow and have asked the hospital to arrange the burial, in the communal grave they have for babies, so that she is not alone. I came home on friday morning, and didn't have to have an erpc thank goodness. Yesterday one of the community midwives turned up on the doorstep - it was someone i knew, and while she had been asked to visit me, noone had told her what had happened, so at the door she said - i didn't know you were having a baby, congratulations!
Marvellous!
because their special room with a double bed wasn't available, mr B went home about 2:30am. We said our goodbyes, and they took her away.
The next morning i asked them to measure and weigh her. Not that it matters in the slightest, but i had woken up in the night desperately wanting to know.
We are collecting the paperwork from the register office tomorrow and have asked the hospital to arrange the burial, in the communal grave they have for babies, so that she is not alone. I came home on friday morning, and didn't have to have an erpc thank goodness. Yesterday one of the community midwives turned up on the doorstep - it was someone i knew, and while she had been asked to visit me, noone had told her what had happened, so at the door she said - i didn't know you were having a baby, congratulations!
Marvellous!
Bednobs- im so very very sorry xxxxx
My daughter went through almost exactly the same as you when her twin boys died, so I sort of know what you're going through as I went through it with her.
I really have ni idea what to say to you, but im sure many other ABers will be with me when I say that alot of us are thinking of you and you partner.
If you want ot mail me, the offer (and my address- a few pages back) is still there.
Take care
xxxxxxxx
My daughter went through almost exactly the same as you when her twin boys died, so I sort of know what you're going through as I went through it with her.
I really have ni idea what to say to you, but im sure many other ABers will be with me when I say that alot of us are thinking of you and you partner.
If you want ot mail me, the offer (and my address- a few pages back) is still there.
Take care
xxxxxxxx
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