bednobs update - not good news i'm afraid

[bednobs]

hi all, just posting to let you all know how i am doing as some of you have been very kind to ask i think it will be quite helpful to me to write down wahts in my mind anyway.
Unfortunately, when i went for my obs appointment this week, thye found that the baby has not grown enough since the last scan. This is owing to placental insufficiency -the placenta is not giving the baby all it needs. The only rememdy is to deliver, but the baby is too small to survive (showing at 22.5 weeks, despite me being 26 weeks) and it is only 1lb.
This is really too awful to even write down, but i now just have to wait for the baby to die and then deliver. I have to have another scan next week, or if i stop feeling movemenents before then, ring up and go in to be induced. There are so many things going through my head, yet i know there is worse to come. I have an overwhelming feeling of having let everyone down. This baby was so wanted and i couldn't even look after it. I am 36 now and probably wont have another chance, even if i did want to try. I just have sat at home for the last few days, watching dvd's and surfing because as soon as i stop i start to think, about what labour will be like, about silly things like funerals, registering a birth and death on the same day, whether you can even get a dead baby christened, things i can't say out loud, wondering if i want to go on, all the while both dreading and anticipating any movements because each one is like a knife in the heart
I know this is heavy stuff for what is essentially a frothy website, and i'm sorry, i just need to get it out

[Mamyalynne]

My poor dear girl, you have nothing to reproach yourself for, but that is how you see it now. Do not abandon all hope yet and keep us informed.
If the worst should happen your empty arms will ache for your child, but each night raise your eyes to the heavens and see a brand new star,♥

[wolf63]

I have been following your pregnancy from the side lines and feel so sad for you at this time.

My late mother (died at 58) once said "nobody said life would be fair".

I wish you and your partner all the best for the future - but just now {{HUG}}❤❤❤

Susan

[divegirl]

Oh hun, I've only just seen this nad am in shock. Is there really no hope ? I know that whatever happens you are a strong lady and you will get through this. My thoughts and love are with you.

Lisa x

[B00]

bednobs- only just seen this post.

Oh you poor love, ive got tears in my eyes writing this to you. I have nothing to add as everyone elses kind words have said it far better than I ever could.

Thinking of you xxx

If you need to 'talk' to anyone, rant, rave, cry, whatver via text you can email me [email protected]

Take care hon

xxxxxxx

[karenmac60]

I am so sorry x

[China Doll]

I am so terribly sorry to hear your news bednobs. I will thinking of you and I wish I think of something profound or comforting to say but words fail me. As with B00, should ever wish to rant or just write things down, B00 can give you my actual email or I also have a throw away, [email protected]

[k8bailey]

Oh Bednobs, I read this yesterday, but had no idea what to say - I still don't, but wanted to let you know how truly sorry I am about what you are going through. x

[tigwig]

Oh hun that is awful news, I am so sorry. It is no way your fault and you have not let anyone down. Are the consultants absolutely certain of the size of the baby? I would hate to give you false hope but surely there's a tiny chance the baby might not be as small as they think? I would just take each day as it comes and pray that they are wrong. Miracles can happen. Don't apologise for coming on here about it thats what we are all here for and if it helps then come on as much as you like.
If the worse happens I cannot tell you what the labour will be like but maybe someone else will have been through this and share it with you. You will get through this you are a strong person and have the support of everyone on here. Stay strong hun I will pray for you both.xxx

[4getmenot]

Oh no bednobs thats awful for you. So so sad. I know there a few forums out there to discuss these types of things and what will happen now. My friend went through the same thing at about 5 months when he baby had Edwards syndrome, she had to be induced, and the baby died after birth, she talks about it alot and it helps her, some people dont wat to talk about such a tragic event but after it happened I just asked her whether she was up for talking or not. She had a funeral for her little baby girl and tiny pink coffin and she has pictures in a memory box. You are not too old at all. But it will take time, my friend now has a beautiful baby boy but she was very scared through 2nd pregnancy. Dont ever feel it was your fault, things always heppen for a reason in life, xxxx

[bednobs]

thanks for all your kind words. I just feel so lost, empty and alone.

[4getmenot]

Might help to read this

http://www.babyworld....y_loss/baby_loss1.asp

xx

[NoMercy]

I'm so sorry, Bednobs. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. x x

[ttfn]

Bednobs - I know of a young couple who, less than2 years ago, were in the exact circumstances you now face. Their son was buried after a church service for the immediate family. I have just heard by text that they have been safely delivered of another son. There must always be hope bednobs ♥

[Slooow_Jo]

(((bednobs))) my heart really does go out to you XX but don't give up hope just yet, unless your 'gut feeling' is telling you the docs are right? there is still a chance that baby will hang on till measuring at 26 weeks? Miracles do happen you know, & doctors have been wrong!! Also have they explained why the placenta isn't working as it should?? or if there is anything they can do about it??

If the worst does happen, do not blame yourself! sadly its just 'natures way' & certainly don't think it was your one & only chance! if you conceived once, why wouldn't you again??

& again IF the worst happens, the hospital will make sure that your delivery is as pain & stress free as possible, they will also advice you about registering the birth etc & as far as I'm aware (depending on your religion) a christening/blessing will be included in the funeral service.

I carried my first baby to 32 weeks then found out his heart had stopped! I went through delivery & then burying him, & yes I blamed myself, but truth is no-one ever knows why such horrid things happen :( but I'm sitting here now, mum of 2 fabulous healthy boys (14 & 9) & 28 weeks pregnant! Sure I'm worried, scared & nervous but have to stay strong & focused :) THINK POSITIVE :)

heres hoping all goes well for you & my thoughts are with you XX

[bednobs]

jo, can i ask you how long your labour lasted please?

[yellownana]

How heartbreaking.. I really wish you so much love as u must be going through hell at the moment :-( xxx

[Barmaid]

Bednobs, I can't say anything that has not already been said. I just wish you lots of strength and love for the coming weeks. BMx

[lollyone]

I've spent a few days thinking about what to say Bednobs but I just don't know. My thought and prayers are with you and whatever glimmer of hope there may be.
x x x

[Slooow_Jo]

bednobs you can ask me anything you like!! It just may take me a while to get back to you X

My labour lasted about 9 hours, but the hospital staff made sure it was as pain-free as possible.

For the moment though bednobs, please try to stay positive!!! which ever way life leads you now, for the next few weeks to have to be strong XXX

[bednobs]

thanks for all your replies.
I went back for a scan yesterday - not really any growth at all over the last week. I have to go back next week, where one of 3 outcomes are possible
1) the baby will be dead (or if i stop feeling movements; before then)
2) the baby will not have grown - if that happens they will talk to the paediatricians about delivery; whether there is enough maturity to try for a live birth (unlikely)
3) the baby will have grown (very unlikely) and we will just hold on for another week
I have had to have steroids today in case they decide to deliver next week
I just feel so lost and empty -mr bednobs is being so supportive, but so optimistic it's a real clash because i have completely withdrawn from any hope at all. He said to me last night that we might have her for 2 minutes, two hours, two days but to him it's better than not at all - he just wants to look at her, stroke her hand, be a dad.
That is the hardest part for me, i feel like ive let him down in the worst possible way. I know he isn't going to get any of that, i couldn't even look after our baby. I have even come to terms with having to labour with a dead baby, but letting him down is just the worst thing ever