Im crying bucket loads now.........

[Im a BusyBee]

i told my 23 year old son to leave this morning so he took some of things and went :-( ..........i have problems every week getting his keep from him, i only ask for £50 a week and he earns more than both me and his dad so i do not feel im being greedy over that? Yet EVERY week its a nightmare to get it out of him and if i go to the supermarket before i get the money then no hope..am i being unreasonable? He changed the ground rules a few weeks ago and said he would give it to me every tuesday so i booked my grandson in for his swimming lesson on a wednesday (i take him near to supermarket for this) thinking i could combine the 2 as its several miles away to town and this morning i was so fed up of this arguement every week and said if i hadnt got it before he went to work he had to go cos i cant cope with the hassle. Im always so busy doing things for other people and i work fulltime i just needed co-operation so he's gone. Now im devastated - do i text him, just leave him or what? I am struggling to cope with this more than worrying about £50.

[Sqad]

He's 23 years old....you have brought him up ...educated him.......what more does he expect.

Let him stand or fall on his own two feet.

[VHG]

You are not being unreasonable.

Let him find out how much £50 gets him when he is not living in your subsidused house.

Sounds as though he is being rather selfish, and hoping that if getting the money off him becomes too much hassle you will stop asking.

My guess is he wil be back with his tail between his legs.

Well done for standing up to him.

[beejaybee]

I definately would not contact him yet. Let him see what it`s like to live & manage on his own first.

[sadielady]

I would expect him to be back soon with his tail between his legs - once he tries to 'live' on £50 a week. Maybe its time to let go, I know its hard but maybe its a case of being cruel to be kind! Good luck x

[rsvp]

you've done the right thing - until he can respect you he shouldn't benefit from subsidised accommodation. Of course you're upset, he's your son but the tough love lesson he's going to learn will make him less selfish. Just imagine what his wife would go through if he doesn't change his attitude. Leave things a while imo.

[chrissa1]

"He took SOME of his things"...... Sounds like he's a petulant little boy and needs to grow up. He has to come back for the rest of his things and is probably hoping you'll cave in and beg him to come back. Stand your ground. He needs a wake up call. Good luck.

[ummmm]

Leave it for the time being. I'd leave it a few weeks before contacting him.

[Old_Geezer]

From what you have said you took the only reasonable action in the circumstances. Maybe he will grow up now he is to fend for himself. Weep now by all means, hope for a better wiser son to eventually emerge for the experience. And if he doesn't then sometimes you just have to accept things didn't go as planned despite best efforts.

The struggle you now face is emotional, you will be stronger for it. As for the £50, it is just a symbol of what was wrong. Don't fixate on it. It was the unreasonable behaviour you described that was the problem.

[starone]

When he comes back grovelling, and he will, put your price up. £50 a week is risible. He should be paying at least twice that. Think of what he gets for it - lodgings, including meals, a cleaner, his washing and ironing done, his every need supplied without recriminations. PLEASE can I come and live with you. I will gladly pay £50 a week for all this. DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK WITHOUT PAYING. You now have the upper hand - use it, you have to force yourself to be hard or your life will always be like this as long as he lives with you.

[Old_Geezer]

In your shoes I'd leave him to contact the family. He left, that ball is in his court. That's not to say one should be pig-headed about making the first move to heal family rifts if time does go on; just that running after someone who stormed out isn't the best move. It reinforces their decision, their attitude. Give it a few months if you can, at least.

[puternut]

Don't know what area you live in BusyBee but I would guess his room rent would be more than £50 a week in the real world

So nothing left for essentials like food, heat etc etc

Or is he going to 'sponge' off others?

[cathfromsaron]

tell him you love him but this is an importat choice for him: pay or go ...

[cathfromsaron]

*important

[starone]

Well said OG. Your name should have wise in front of it - Wise Old Geezer!

[ummmm]

Beside this...what's your relationship like?

[Sqad]

We have heard what you have to say.......now what does his dad say?

[Im a BusyBee]

His dad has been unhappy with the hassle every week to get his keep and this morning he said he has got to go if we have this each time. But he is not happy with situation, we both think it is very sad but how else can we get him to change? He did say he would be back for rest of his stuff, i would guess he will go to his girlfriends. I would be sad but accept him leaving home its the way it went im unhappy with we didnt say goodbye. His dad, after being a smoker for 40+ years has recently given up smoking and i am very worried this may just make him start again as he is really struggling with it but hasnt had one for 2 months and is doing so well.

[Maydup]

Poor you Busybee, you feel awful but believe me it is for the best.

If you'd have carried on with your son not paying his way he'd never get to grips with adult life. Its being cruel to be kind. You would want him not knowing how to feed and clothe himself at 23 woul you? And neither to you want to not to realise the cost of living.

I hope it works out for you all, but do encourage him to stay away rather than come back as its time for him to support himself.

[Old_Geezer]

:-)
One tries one's best Starbuck. Thanks.

[Maydup]

^^ Sorry about typos!