How Can I Explain To My Brother. That When I Say,

[82buttons]

My brother who is 22 years old. And I'm 36. Has done nothing with his life. He lived with me off and on for 5 years. I offered to pay for his schooling,his learners and driving school. But no he rather lay around the house. Didn't help much either. He is depression and tryed commiting suicide 3 years ago over a girl. And I fear he's going down the same road again. And I can't watch it. I tried saying that mom wouldn't be happy with his life choices and he flipped on me. Saying it wasn't his fault she died. He's right it was her choice. But you would think he would want to be better. Make himself someone she would of been proud of. She gave her life so he can live his. So why is he wasting it.

[woofgang]

If he is clinically depressed then he can't help himself.....I don't understand why your mother gave his life for him?

[Old_Geezer]

Unsure how the title fits with the description; but sounds like he needs professional help. Maybe encourage him to tell his GP how he feels ?

[EDDIE51]

I agree that he is suffering from clinical depression, it is a serious problem and needs professional help. But it is difficult to get that help,as he has to realise he has a problem and accept that he needs help. You can try to get him to see his GP. I would go to see his GP first and explain the problem. Then the Doctor may ask him to come in for a consultation and bring you with him. That would be a good start.

[Guilbert53]

He does sound severely depressed.

I have suffered some depression myself and sometimes you can almost "wallow" in your depression, almost "enjoying" being depressed.

It is though your brain is telling it is fine to be depressed, your brain tells you NOT to get it sorted, NOT to try and get out of the depression.

It is hard for anyone who has not suffered from depression to fully understand.

I think he needs urgent medical help, probably strong medication.

If he does not he sounds as though he may try another suicide attempt.

I assume from what you say that your mother maybe took her own life?

If so then sometimes these things do run in families.

Try to get him to get medical help.

[EDDIE51]

I intended to say that I also do not understand what you mean by ''She gave her life so he can live his'' and ''it was her choice''. Did she commit suicide ? If so that is the MAJOR factor / reason for your brothers condition.

[jno]

is this in America? I don't know how the American health system works but yes, he needs to seek professional help, which he can only do once he's acknowledged that there's a problem.

[Old_Geezer]

Maybe it was a childbirth complication. Unsure it sheds light on how to proceed though. Still think he needs to get help from the medical profession, whatever the trigger.

[82buttons]

QUICK UPDATE TO EXPLAIN MORE. My mother was dietetic and almost died having me. The doctors told her straight out she will dieif she has anymore kids. 12 years later she got pregnant. And told me and my sister if it comes back that the baby is healthy she was going to go with the pregnancy. And well he was healthy. And born at 6months weighing 3 pounds 2 ounces. One year later. My mother past away. It was the worse year of my life. As I watched my mother who was a normal mom. To losing her eye sight. Her ability to walk. To not moving at all. It was a lot for a 13 year old.
For him needing help. He took a 4 month day program to help him. But I think it only made him worse. And he only heard what he wanted and not what was actually being said. I know I went through depression too. Mine not so bad I actually went crazy and had to be brought back. It was a long learning processes. But I'm better now. Still depressed with other issues. This being one of them.

[tonyav]

Sorry to hear that, 82buttons.
But why didn't your mother get sterilised when the the doctor told her if she had more kids ?.

[Old_Geezer]

Seperate issue. Her choice.
Unsure what more advice I can add. Could be up to your brother, whether he wants to get well.

[82buttons]

Tonya, my mother was a strong believer that this only happen for a reason. And that one should not worry of what could go wrong. But to look forward of what is to come. She was on birth control. And they used protection. But condom broke and my mother missed her pills for a few days waiting for her cheque. And well ya. I didn't understand it then but I finally did about a year ago. And I love my brother very much. I just feel like he doesn't Honor or mother's wishes for him to live his life she gave him.

[kvalidir]

Sorry though I am for what happened to your mother (I am very aware of the dangers of pregnancy being a type one diabetic myself), your brother is his own person and should not feel obligated to live his life the way anyone else wants him to. It seems to me that there is an air of ' our mother died for you, make her proud' hanging over all this which would frankly be an intolerable burden for anyone. I'm not surprised he's depressed, he hasn't got to honour anyone else's wishes for him, he is his own unique being. I really do hope that you sort this out, it must be so hard for both of you. x

[Gromit]

Sounds like you resent your brother because his birth resulted in the death of your mother. At least you had a mother and knew her. Your bother didn’t and maybe a cause of his mental state now.
The moral issues of abortion are personal. I hope your mother made the decision for her own beliefs, and not to conform to religious pressures.

[1ozzy]

Sounds like a "wummer" to me.

Keep answering.

[BagPussAA]

As someone that suffers badly with clinical depression, saying that your mom would not be happy with his life choices and that she gave her life so that he can live his is an immense burden to put on him and could very well be making his depression worse. I have had that kind of burden put upon me and it made me rebel against it in a big way. This could be what your brother is doing. You cant force him into making someone else proud, you have to let him live his own life.
Having said that, if he is depressed he needs to get some professional help but he needs to be ready to ask for it. Why not try talking to him about that instead of pressuring him to change his whole life? He may not be wasting his life.. he just might not be able to see a way forward out of his depression and he is now in a spiral. Helping him find his way out of that spiral is your first move. Just talk to him about how he feels rather than lecturing him about letting your mom down.

[82buttons]

First I want to thank all for your input. It has help for sure. But of course there is way more to this story then I have time to say. It has come to me complete attention, that my brother is beyond to sick at this point. You see when I said to him that he should want to be something to be proud by mom. In reality I said mom to try napping him back to the real word. Buying fact I was saying for him to be proud of himself. To then say to himself that he was someone she can be proud of. But he is far from being anyone to be proud of. He not only is in denial of his depression but he is playing a victim to everyone he comes across. He blames others for his unhappiness. And for being who he is today. In which is not the case. All we ever wanted was to help him. But he wasn't wanting it. So why should I stand by and let him make me sound horrible when if inwasbso horrible then why did he come live with me not once but twice. I can tell u why. Because I have a good heart. And my mom taught me to always stand by your siblings as they are the only real ones who will walk this whole life with. But she didn't teach me on how not to let my heart be mistreated. Or how to tell if one is being used and manipulated. In which my brother has done. He made me believe he cared long enough to have suckered someone else into caring for him. And now told me I never did *** for him. Well good bye is what I say. And I won't be here for him when his life choices makes him fall once again. Cause I can tell ya. The life he is going down will not last. I wish you all could really know who and what he has done to me in the last 6 to 7 years. The pain I hold today is unbelievable. I am in tears everyday for the last 6 days. And for what. Trying to help him become a man. And be set for the world as it comes. Set to be able to go out on his own and be successful. And I'm the bad person for that. No more. All I can do now is look up and say mom I tried. And she knows just how hard I did . No I don't recent my brother. It wasn't his choose to make. And I was mad at my mother. But when I see my kids now. I understand why she did what she did. And I would of too. Thanks to you all for your advice.

[murraymints]

you now need to step back and let him make his own life choices.. your mother will know you did all you could... you are not responsible for him..live your life in peace.. you seem a nice caring person... find your own happiness, I wish you well xx

[Old_Geezer]

One should do what one can but also hold dear one's own wellbeing and know where to draw the line and say "I've done what I can, enough is enough".

Try not to place blame on anyone, your brother included. He probably isn't in the right mental state to pull himself out of his mental state. Which is why professional help was suggested.

[EDDIE51]

All this is the symptoms of very severe clinical depression. He really does need expert help.But as already said persuading him to seek and accept that help is going to be VERY difficult.
'Mind' is a charity that offers specialist help to sufferers and to their family & friends. Here is the web page,
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WydYetJKjIU
Please get in touch with them via the free telephone helpline. They will be able to offer you a lot more help ,support and understanding than we can .

[murraymints]

looks like buttons is in the USA Eddie