Grief From My Oh

[LadyCG]

Honest opinions would be appreciated here.

I have had a holiday booked for over a year, going to Kos in September this year with OH and son. We were supposed to go in May but he made me delay it (before the Covid outbreak) until September. It cost £150 to change the dates, on top of the £2,900 for the holiday.

As the time has drawn nearer he has insisted that we postpone until next September as he doesn't want to travel if he has to wear face masks, etc. I on the other hand am comfortable to travel and I don't want to lose my holiday. I suggested I take my mother instead and yesterday I switched it to her name instead of his (and took the little one off the booking too) at a cost of £275. My mother was overjoyed - it's the first time she has felt any sense of happiness since she lost her twin sister in early June. My mother has given me some money towards the holiday. She and I lost our holiday to Famagusta in April following the Covid outbreak.

My husband has given me nothing but grief since and has bombarded me with text messages all day, threatening to give my mother a piece of his mind and threatening me with divorce.

My husband is constantly telling me that any spare money I have should go on things for the house, etc. However, I've found out he's got accounts with thousands of pounds in and he refuses to discuss his finances (I found his building society books in a box in the spare room). Essentially what's mine is "joint" and what's his is his own.

He "actively encouraged" me into working 7 days a week as soon as I returned from maternity leave. He then expected me to put all my overtime into the joint account every week for him to decide how best to spend it. I pay for all the holidays and any extra expenses such as car insurance and new tyres, nights away, etc.

We are going to St Ives in September and have another 2-week holiday booked to Kos for next May (and yes, I'm paying). I even said I would book a holiday in Feb to the Canaries for our son's birthday, so he didn't feel he was losing out. He soon changed his mind on that one when I suggested he pay something towards it for a change!

The bile he has spewed out about my mother has been terribly upsetting. She is grieving so badly right now. In any case I have refused to take the holiday back off my mother as it would be a cruel thing to do. He says in that case we will have to split up and I just shrugged and said "okay".

My question is - am I being unreasonable or is he?

[tamborine]

Mum can collect or taxi. So sad OHs playing up, give him space to realise his loss.

[Mozz71]

His complaints about your spending money are completely negated by the little nest eggs he's been accumulating on the QT. I'd be more interested in finding out about them than I would about the holiday. What is he hiding?

[mallyh]

sorry you are going through this ,have your wages put into your own account and wave bye bye x

[tamborine]

Or come to my house in Windsor, Ive got a vacant flat

[LadyCG]

Pooka, he's not mentioned our son once in all this. His obsession is over my mother and he's accusing her of taking advantage, which she most certainly isn't. In any case, my mother in law provides day care 5 days a week at the moment, unless she is on holiday herself.

[Tilly2]

Just wanted to say that I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You must be devastated.

[LadyCG]

Tambo, my mother doesn't drive and she lives down in Hereford and I'm on the edge of Staffordshire. And thanks for the offer x

If I wasn't on crutches right now, I would bolt.

[hellywelly4]

Why do you stay with him? He sounds like my ex son-in-law. Since my daughter left him she has never looked back.

[LadyCG]

In all honesty, Tilly, I'm not devastated about the marriage but I am devastated about the things he's said about my mother.

I just wanted unbiased opinions really. He keeps telling me this is all my fault, that I'm the selfish one and that his family would be horrified if they knew what I'd taken his family holiday off him.

[retrocop]

Looks like all one way traffic he and he wan'ts right of way all the time.It seems he has never heard the word 'compromise' which is an essential in a good marriage imo. I often holiday away with my mates and my wife holidays with hers. she is, hopefully , off to Krakow with an old school friend in September. We have different interests and accept that. My wife often took her aged mother on holiday.
I would go on holiday with your Mother. she,essentially, must have a break after her loss. If he has mentioned divorce and judging by his behaviour I would guess that has not recently come to his mind because of holidays. I would go but as they used to say," Make sure your own castle is secure before going out on raiding partys"

[tamborine]

catch a cab to me, I'll pay but you must bring Miles.

msm me on fb if needed

[retrocop]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

//I would go on holiday with your Mother. she,essentially, must have a break after her loss.//

No. Not me personally. That has come out wrong. :-)
"I would go on holiday with your mother, if I were you"

[bednobs]

I don't think it's weird to have savings you don't tell the other person about. I have a "running away" fund and always have had.

[LadyCG]

That's really sweet of you, Tambo, but that would just confuse him and he's at a funny age right now.

My husband is an exceptionally clever man with so many attributes but unfortunately he likes his own way and he has a cruel mouth.

[tamborine]

tell me if you ms me of fb as I gotta find my log on details for fb

[puzzled54]

I would go on the holiday with mum, but if mother in law looks after your son I presume you get on well with her and perhaps you could talk to her?

[jennyjoan]

maybe some savings bednobs but not thousands and also these "thousands" never contributed to the running of the house. All one side payments coming from Lcg

[pastafreak]

Im so sorry to read this. There are times I absolutely HATE money and what it does to people.
I'd let him stew, he needs time to think about what he's said, why, and the effect it will have on your relationship. Stick with your plans...it sounds as if he made no attempt to stop you changing the plans. If that's the case he has no right to get all supercritical now. He had a chance and stuffed it. Make your plans with your mother, and enjoy doing so. At this rate, the other, already planned holidays may be taken without him also...

[LadyCG]

Oh it's quite evident he doesn't want me talking to his mother.

[Pooka1950]

In answer to your original question he is definitely the one who is unreasonable. He sounds like a big kid to me. His jealous ranting about your mother is disgraceful. Only you know him well enough to tell if he is serious about divorce or if he is having a tantrum. Either way I would be making plans. Your broken leg is a hindrance but think to the future for your son's sake as well as your own.