Grief From My Oh

LadyCG | 12:45 Mon 20th Jul 2020 | Family & Relationships

111 Answers

Honest opinions would be appreciated here.

I have had a holiday booked for over a year, going to Kos in September this year with OH and son. We were supposed to go in May but he made me delay it (before the Covid outbreak) until September. It cost £150 to change the dates, on top of the £2,900 for the holiday.

As the time has drawn nearer he has insisted that we postpone until next September as he doesn't want to travel if he has to wear face masks, etc. I on the other hand am comfortable to travel and I don't want to lose my holiday. I suggested I take my mother instead and yesterday I switched it to her name instead of his (and took the little one off the booking too) at a cost of £275. My mother was overjoyed - it's the first time she has felt any sense of happiness since she lost her twin sister in early June. My mother has given me some money towards the holiday. She and I lost our holiday to Famagusta in April following the Covid outbreak.

My husband has given me nothing but grief since and has bombarded me with text messages all day, threatening to give my mother a piece of his mind and threatening me with divorce.

My husband is constantly telling me that any spare money I have should go on things for the house, etc. However, I've found out he's got accounts with thousands of pounds in and he refuses to discuss his finances (I found his building society books in a box in the spare room). Essentially what's mine is "joint" and what's his is his own.

He "actively encouraged" me into working 7 days a week as soon as I returned from maternity leave. He then expected me to put all my overtime into the joint account every week for him to decide how best to spend it. I pay for all the holidays and any extra expenses such as car insurance and new tyres, nights away, etc.

We are going to St Ives in September and have another 2-week holiday booked to Kos for next May (and yes, I'm paying). I even said I would book a holiday in Feb to the Canaries for our son's birthday, so he didn't feel he was losing out. He soon changed his mind on that one when I suggested he pay something towards it for a change!

The bile he has spewed out about my mother has been terribly upsetting. She is grieving so badly right now. In any case I have refused to take the holiday back off my mother as it would be a cruel thing to do. He says in that case we will have to split up and I just shrugged and said "okay".

My question is - am I being unreasonable or is he?

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LadyCG

Question Author

You can, ellimay. My husband has spent £43k out of our joint Halifax account so far with these renovations and not once did he require a signature from me.

Woofgang, it is difficult to separate and come to a financial agreement when your house is undergoing renovations. We couldn't sell it in its present state. We either have to complete it which would entail possibly increasing our mortgage slightly and accepting his mother's offer of an interest-free loan. Obviously if we split we can't consider increasing our mortgage or accepting a loan from his mother, in which case the house wouldn't get finished and we'd never sell it.

I guess I'm in a predicament.

Ken4155

You asked for "unbiased" opinions, LCG, but that's impossible as we have only heard one side of the story. However, you also asked for "honest" opinions and, imho, if things are as bad as you say they are, then I see no future whatsoever for you and your husband. While you are away with your mother, I would begin making plans for the future of you and your child.

Mamyalynne

You've had lots of advice so far,I was going t recommend a good heart to heart and try to rebuild the rocked foundations - however you said something interesting .

"I am not devastated about the marriage" - I think you see this as an end.

LadyCG

Question Author

Mamya, I came into this relationship very hardened by my previous experience. I vowed I'd never let another man cause me such devastation as my ex did.

Yes I do love my husband, but equally I'd be happy on my own.

naomi24

// We couldn't sell it in its present state.//

You could be surprised. We sold a half-renovated house in a day.... even with a newly demolished wall with all the jagged bare bricks on display. Dreadful state. Never say never. Get an agent in.

ABSpareEditor

I have moved this thread into the category "Family".

tamborine

gotta work now, will look in later.

Mamyalynne

Then you need to make the best end of it that you can - for all you.

I wish you all the best.

LadyCG

Question Author

Naomi, we wouldn't get what we've shelled out so far. When it's done it will be worth nearly double what we paid for the house, but it really needs to be completed to achieve that. It will be a lovely house and we're right on the edge of miles of green belt countryside ... it would be an awful shame to finally get our dream house and then lose it.

emmie

so sorry to read this, i thought that what you had was rock solid. What with your young son too.
i can't say i would trust him again if he had thousands stashed away and didn't say anything.
Mr Em was the same, i didn't discover until he passed away that he had loads of money in the bank. Can you have a heart to heart conversation, that might mean
you get back to some sort of normal.

naomi24

Do you think he might consider moving out and signing the house over to you - or will he insist on his 'share'?

david small

Communication, communication, communication. You both need to calmly sit down and talk this through. Take it in turns to put your point of view, and then listen to his. You both need to compromise, and to be more open with each other. You both to work at this relationship.

Bobbisox1

Lcg please take Tambos advice and contact her offline , I'd hate to see this thread used against you which will make you feel a lot worse

LadyCG

Question Author

Naomi, he told me the other day he would sooner burn this house down than ever let me have a penny from it.

piggynose

What about seeing a marriage counsellor.

LadyCG

Question Author

Oh don't worry about what the trolls will say, Bobbi. It really is water off a duck's back to me.

To be honest, from the moment I changed the holiday to my mother's name, I felt so happy. Her birthday will fall mid-holiday and it will be the first birthday in 62 years that she won't celebrate with her twin.