want to speak to people who understand

[MUM79]

6 weeks ago i found out my daughters (10,8,7) were being sexually abused by a member of my husbands family (also his sister has dicolsed against him aswell)
my problem is i fell very alone the entire family have turned their backs on us saying we have got the girls to make it up etc even though he has admited to the police my kids are devasted they have lost their grandparents and keep saying i knew we should not of told. it would be nice to speak to someone who has gone through this.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i havent been through this, but i know a mother who has.
Her daughter was being abused by her uncle. She had fallen out with all her family over it as they all said she was making it up.
When it finally got to court, he pleaded guilty and was sentenced. However as far as i know, her relationship with her family is still at a delicate stage and her daughter still doesnt see her grandparents,etc.
As far as i am aware the only time it bothers her is at xmas and birthdays.
A few members of her family still wont talk to her, but a few have come round. The grandparents though are still adamant that she was lying and want nothing to do with them.
I still see this woman every now and then as she is a friend, but i tend not to mention anything about it as i see she gets upset when her daughter asks her if she should have kept quiet as she doesnt get to see her relations now.
It will be hard for you MUM79, and your kids, but you will get through it. Next time i go round i will mention this site to her and ask her to come on...

[yummymum]

hi Mum, i was abused as a child so i know what your daughters must be going threw and as they grow up they will realise that telling on this man was the best thing they could ever have done, in the mean time you need to reassure them of this constantly. As for the family they will come round they will just be in shock, never in this world would they have imagined that a member of thier family could do such a thing and at the moment they will just be finding it easier to blame u and your daughters, just give it time and make it clear to them that your door is always open should they wish to come back into your lives after all you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. They will be back feeling guilty before you know it. good luckxx

[yummymum]

I must add that if they dont dont come round then as harsh as it may seem your better off without them in your lives, if they dont believe you over this then what else would they not believe?

[MUM79]

thankyou for all your answers,i think its just made harder as they were such a massive part of our everyday life my husband works away all week so i was at their house everyday after school. My kids have lost so many people in their short lives i am worried about them. my eldest is so angry all the time and keeps asking when is he going to jail (i so hope he does) also i am very worried about his sister we all know it happened to her but she is only 14 and she will not speak about it so therefore they are denying anything happened and i think she is scared they will turn their backs on her like they have us , when it first came out the only thing her mum could say is DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO DO TO YOUR BROTHER i was so sickend by this comment its with the cps at the moment so i really hope he gets punshied i feel like i have been living a lie

[nuttymum]

You must keep stressing to the children that its not their fault. If the rest of the family would much rather just sweep the problem under the rug and blame the children then f**k them. And make sure you get proper counselling for them, and yourselves to deal with it, otherwise it will affect their future relationships.

[Hellyon]

I think you are getting sup[ort here from more qualified people than I am but I just wanted to add a big hug and just keep telling the children none of it is their fault. Can you speak to your Doctor about getting them professional counselling?

[MUM79]

I will get them help but because he has not been dealt with yet i have to wait until then. Its so people cant say they have been coached .
anyone know what the sentecing guidelines are for sexual abuse and what he could get?
p.s
my three girls over 5 years and his sister for about 5 years mine have made good statements to the police the sister was so upset could not talk but they are going to give her video to the cps to show her distress.

[xhxmxsx]

i have been in this situation and i hope your family are strong enough to overcome it, it has took our family 3 years and there are still people not talking and still rowing etc, only difference between our cases is no one was found guilty of abusing my stepdaughter and police were total rubbish

[Psychick]

The thing you need to stress to your girls is that had they not spoken up, it would have continued......to them and to others. Am I right in saying that is only because one of your girls said what was happening, the other two did as well? If that is the case, the one who spoke up should actually be proud of herself for not only standing up to this sick creature and saving herself from anymore of the abuse, but she, wihtout knowing it, has stood up for her sisters too.
In fact I hope they know how proud they all should be of themselves and how very brave they all are.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed that the creep responsible for this will get sent for a very long time and gets what he deserves and that your daughters can soon come to terms with it all and start living their lives again as little girls do, having fun and building happy memories.
Keeping quiet would have only tortured them mentally and emotionally, not to mention the actual abuse continuing. What was happening would have haunted them for the rest of thier lives or until they spoke up. They are not to blame for the ignorance of his family. I hope they realise they are so much better than that and they truely have done the right thing.

[mycats]

Your girls have been very very brave!
Well done for being the kind of mum that they know they can talk too.
To hell with the rest of the family, your children are the most important here and you will have to give them a lot of support in the months/years to come
what a horrible thing for you to go through x x

[MUM79]

i am sorry you did not get the justice your stepdaughter deserved, i think the children need to know that their abuser has been dealt with by the police .
I have akways told my children you do wrong like stealing from shops etc you go to prison and i always have so good knows what i would tell them if he did not go to jail it like saying he did nothing wrong.
these people make me sick and to think every christmas holiday birthday he was there,so we now are going to try and make some new happy memories.

[xhxmxsx]

you should be very proud of your children as they had the guts to tell you! i'm glad the sicko that did this to them and i hope one day so does the sicko that did the same to my stepdaughter, it may be sooner than expected as she had a funny turn when we was going swimming so the police may have some questions to answer on why they didnt interview certain suspects

[MUM79]

i think you need to push the police as far as you can,and now instead of us thinking he is a family member its a stranger the person we thought we knew and loved is dead, the girls wont even say his name i have, maybe right or wrong aloud them to use a name they want one is ******** (they were quite excited that they were aloud to use a naughty word indoors only)another is monster and my youngest just says it.
he has got to go back to the police station in 2 weeks and then i thnk we will find out if he will be charged.
if he isnt then god help him.

[MUM79]

response to Psychick

It was my youngest who came forward i had been out the night before and he was babysitting, he had done stuff to her that night .
my eldest was sleeping out so it was just the 2 girls at home and my little boy.
she was downstairs and my middle child knew what he was doing and stamped down the stairs to stop it,the next morning the youngest started to tell us and when she had the middle child said he had done the same to her but different and then i asked my older child who said he had in the past dont it aswell. i then knew he had done it to his sister as she always had problems when she was younger ,i asked her in front of her parents and she confirmed it with her emotional reponse .

[smudge]

This is so close to home, but can't elaborate as there are people on here I know personally.

All I can say is that I'm thinking of you all & hope that everything works out well for you & your daughters. -x-

[Psychick]

As your little one started to tell you about it the next day, I assume this was the first time it had actually happened to her.
Just keep reminding them that they have done the right thing, that they are a not to blame for anything that has happened to them or for how his family has reacted and that that they are bravest little girls in the world!

[MUM79]

hi no i think it happened a couple of times before to the youngest ,there was a patten as soon as they got to a certain age he stopped and went on to the next one i dont think i will ever know the full extent

[yummymum]

Mum, you dont need to know the full extent of what happened but your daughters need to talk to someone about it as soon as they can, it will take a while for them to open up and in my experience it maybe easier for them to talk to some one outside the family, i found it very embrassing to talk about and knowing that my family would know all the details put me off telling anyone, i actually spent a lot of time talking to the interviewing police officer who was male which seems a bit strange now but it was him who i found it easiest to open upto. Let your girls talk about it to who ever they want, when they want if its not something they have to hide they will find it much easier to deal with. I think the abuser will go to prison and hopefully for a very long time however dont put all your faith in our justice system, what ever happens just draw a line under it all on the day of the hearing and concentrate on moving on. I dont know if your girls will be too young to go to court when he gets sentenced but i found it very helpfull to go and watch him being lead away. Good luck with everything xx

[confused79]

I was sexualy abused as a child by my step dad from the ages of 6 to 11.
I dont want to worry you but my case went to court as i told my mum when i was 12 and to me it ws very very frigthening, he got off as it was his word against mine and similar to you the rest of the family tried saying my mum told me to say he had abused me, so she could divorce him. We lost some friends too but it just went to prove who were our real friends. Family that mattered stood by us and to this day they are the only ones that matter now.
I had a video link when it went to court and i will admit it was very scarey and worrying that people think you are making it up, how and why would someone want to make something like that up anyway.
I want to stress you need to get some councilling for your daughters, i had group councilling for a long time and it really helped me i couldnt talk about it alot to begin with and i especially couldnt tell my mum everything. But as i got older i was able to write it down and it really helps.
Im 28 now and recently had some more counciling as it never really leaves you, but i turned into a survivior rather than a victim and thats a big step to make.
I wish you and your daughters the best and hope to god there is some justice and they put the bar***d away.

[amonty1144]

Hi, I'm a child protection social worker, you should be able to access specialist input from your local social work office, your kids will be going through a process at the minute which is akin to grieving, due to the 'loss' of their family, this is entirely natural. Anger and sadness are natural reactions, allow then to get them out in the open. As time progresses you might want to speak to your doctor about getting a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, this isn't about them being 'mad' , it's about building in resilience, so please don't dismiss it out of hand.Don't push them into this, you'll know when the time is right.
You are doing all the right things, keep reassuring them, be there for them and most of all make sure they know that you love them.
Take care and I hope it works out for you and your children