under age sex

[merna]

i have just found out that my 14yr old daughter has had sex with a 18yr old man,although she consented to this i cant help being angry that a 18yr old adult has had sex with her,where do i stand with the law

[merna]

thankyou abdulmajid.straight to the point yeah i can take that and the latter of breaking his legs and throwing acid on his bits.but do you see where im coming from when i say that she is 14 and still a kid and if we agree to the way things are these days it means we are condoning it,sorry but i cannot do that wether its my daughter mrs smiths down the road or mr and mrs jones daughter next door simple as that.i know kids aint like wot they used to be but us as humans are allowing that to happen by letting things like this happen and little scum bags like him get away with it.serves me right for joining this chat wotsit eh!

[Ethel]

I don't now how you are disagreeing with me - I said it is wrong for 14 years to have sex.

I said the man could be prosecuted, and pointed out that putting your daughter in the witness box is not something to be done lightly. The interviews with the police would be very daunting.

I also showed you an example where a man went to prison for it, and where a man didn't so you could weigh things up yourself.

I have never said that it is all right and acceptable for 14 year olds to have sex.

I say again, I empathise with your situation. It is dreadful. But how you handle it will stay with your daughter forever. If you make her feel cheap, or 'used' then you could put her on a downward spiral.
If you take all blame from her, and make her feel a victim, that too could have lifetime repercussions.

Don't blame me for the way the world is today. I really take exception to that. I abhor the current promiscuity and drunkenness that seems to be the social norm, and am very glad my own daughter is middle aged.

You seem to ready to blame other people.

[888sally888]

A question merna, would you feel different if your daughter had slept with her 15 year old boyfriend?

[Lizzzy]

..."you seem to ready to blame other people"...my sentiments exactly ethel.

[Abdulmajid]

merna, nobody is questioning the rights or wrongs of the situation.

Yes, in an ideal world it is wrong.

But again I stress this is modern times. We have to learn to adapt.

And on a lighter note, though I do not know how comforting it will be, Elvis was "with" Priscilla when she was only 14 years old. He was 22. Is he a kiddy fiddler?? Is he a nonce??? Quite clearly no.

[merna]

cheers lizzzzy.got any kids ya self,shall i just strap a radar to my daughters back side so i can monitor her every move.ever heard of freedom.she is 14 yeah i said it again lizzzy she aint 5 u clearly havnt got a clue about life hun but then again u aint got decent morals either.tell me something constructive.................

[ChocolatChip]

I wish the best to your daughter. Treat her well, and try and have some empathy.

[5487]

Ok, well im only 16 myself, so maybe it will help to see it from a teens point of view, Im not sure ... although im a little older for my age and am still a virgin.

I know alot of people who lost their virginity at a very young age, some regret it and others are sill with their boyfriends.
It probably was right for her at the time, and although i agree that the 18 year old maybe should have thought it through more... but maybe he did, who knows.
They may have really strong feelings for one another and they felt they could have sex.
It is illegal however when people are ready they are ready and as long as she did it safely then thats the best thing.
However i don't agree with people having irresponsible underage sex.
If it was a boyfriend of hers then i don't think that it's AS much of an issue as it clearly wasnt a casual thing.

The only thing i can advise, which is hard for me as i havent had a mother for many many years, is that you're more of a friend to your daughter
speak to her about why but not with the adult 'Oh my god, what the hell are you doing, you could ruin your life' appreach cause taht will only push her away.
And talking to her about 'the birds and the beez' in the usual way probably won't help much either

Growing up is such an emotional thing for everyone and i can understand that, as a parent, you are very distressed but maybe you just need to try empathising. I think you're a fantastic mother for seeking the advice of other people instead of immediately going off on one.

Im not sure how she told you, how you found out or whatever but give her the more modernised version of 'i was young once' and maybe you'll have some sucess

Im no expert cause im definately not a mother lol... ut maybe seeing it through the younger generations eyes will help
at least, i hope it does.
She's lucky yo have a mam like you.

[888sally888]

merna - I did ask you earlier - would you feel any different if your daughter had had sex with her 15 year old boyfriend?

Is it the fact that she had sex that upsets you or that the boy was 18?

[ChocolatChip]

And I would accept the fact that my daughter went out and had sex. Yes I would be angry. But it takes two to tango. And the second is your daughter.
I would teach her safe sex, how to drink alcohol responsibly.
Because when my daughter does get her freedom, she will have some understanding of life.
Where sadly your daughter will either retract herself from life. Or throw herself into it and end up in an unfortunate mess.

[5487]

have to say that SALLY and CHOCOLATECHIP have hit the nail on the head

- when i submitted me first answer i wasnt aware of ANY of this daughter sleeping with boyfriends brother.

Its down to her... and down to the brother.
Clearly neither of them thought much about the boyfriend therefore HE seems to be the victim in all of this

Also.. it really does take two. May adults seem to have bought into the 'pressure' factors of having sex, but lets be realistic here... nobodys BROTHER would pressure somebody
Im sure that you're daughter is a lovely girl and i think... or at least hope that she's regretting it now.
But she was 50% part of it- theres no denying that.

I really think taht you need to speak to her and i do hope that things start to look up and that this incident was strickltly a one-off

also... i ask you this question... simular to the above...
if it were the boyfriend would you ahve minded as much- probably not
and also... how can you be sure that she never slept with her boyfriend anyway?

[888sally888]

5487 - that occured to me too. I wondered if she had already had sex with her boyfriend?

[Ethel]

merna - how are you so very rude to people?

[5487]

Ethel, Sally and Chocolate Chip are certainly on the ball
and i am actually starting to think that you're unbelieveably rude

Maybe the person that you formerly insulted ISNT a mother- but crikey she's more understanding and comming from somebody who hasnt had a mother since she was 6... I would have hoped that, if you were my mother, you wouldnt have tought me that it wasnt acceptable to be THAT rude to others.

We're all trying to help and empathise and simply give different points of views in order for you to tackle this efficiently. Everyone here seems to have GOOD, HIGH morals and maybe you're just a little too in denial of your daughters input into this and are blaming the other parties.
Slating people on the AB's morals isnt getting you anywhere... and we're all saying the same... ACCEPT THAT IT WAS THE BOTH OF THEM
however hard tht may be to deal with.

[mimie]

Merna, did this 18yr old supply the booze? If so I would say that this was his intention all along. If he is her boyfriends brother, then I would imagine she is very upset that this has happened. If she has been plied with alcohol by an 18 year old and then pressured into having sex -then this is absolutely different to having consensual sex.
If reported. It is going to be a horrible ordeal for your daughter and I think that you will need to have a frank discussion about her social activities outside of your home - including drugs, alcohol and previous sexual activity. If this situation was out of character - then I would encourage you and your daughter to make a complaint. However if it is not - then the 18yr olds defence will use this against her. Good luck.

[bednobs]

i dont really understand how you can slate someones morals when your 14 year old daughter is going out, getting drunk and then consenting to sex with her boyfriends brother. Where did she get her morals from? where is her role model? i presume its you, but you don't seem to question your own morals, rather other peoples. You keep insisting she is only a child, she is only 14, so where is YOUR parental responsibily in all this? Knowing where she is and what she is doing? Ensuring she has a moral code instilled in her? ensuring she nows how to keep herself safe?

[Lizzzy]

That's exactly what I was trying to say bednobs, but I don't think it was what merna wanted to hear. I suppose it's easier to look elsewhere for someone to blame rather than to question whether you may be at fault yourself for allowing the situation to arise in the first place. Nobody was saying that what happened wasn't wrong, but perhaps it would have been more constructive if merna had been more willing to consider the potential effects on her daughter of reporting the incident and, dare I say, also acknowledged that perhaps a rethink of her attitude wouldn't go amiss. I mean, based on her comments in reply to any posts she didn't agree with, I'm sorry to say I can understand why her daughter might find it difficult to talk to her about anything she wouldn't like! Sorry merna. ***Lizzzy braces herself for another onslaught...*** lol.

[5487]

LOL too right Lizzie. and i totally agree with Bedknobs too (Y)
I'm barely much older than 14, myself - i have ALWAYS had a rebellious streak in me and have always refused to be a conformist. I hold my hands up to that but can gladly say that im proud of how I've turned out.

''Only a Child'' don't be so ridiculous!.
''Children'' don't go out and drink.... do they? i mean... you and all your CORRECT and HIGH morals would know?
I go out and drink... i regularly get *********.
Older boys have regularly tried it on and a simple 'NO' usually tells them otherwise.

Instead of reporting this guy, why not establish some morals of your own, maybe teach your daughter some, cause from what everyone else whos posted something seem to think is that Children learn from waht they see......... LOL
i rest my case.