is this legal porn ? please help

[lillybeth]

im sorry in advance if im wrong in doing this but i really need help in understanding if what i have found my partner looking at is illegal or not.?
fist it was just kinky all teens doing this and that, schoolgirls, babysitters most with older men or couples but some just teens with teens.
then ive found dad,F***s step daughter, dad, with son and daughter and pretending to force her. others have included the title of family sex and mother and daughter being you know what in public. i hate that i have seen some of this horror and feel it is completly wrong but is it illegal from what i can make out everyone is not under age although some are very close to not being. it is very hardcore stuff he has also viewed gay stuff to mention a few. please help me if you can. im scared to speak out to my DV counseller in case it is with out me knowing first. thank you.

[lillybeth]

no i havnt reported i went monday to look into what it would involve but there is so much to this. they said i would be believed and in the legal eyes there is only one thing worse and thats murder. which shocked the hell out of me. its just the fear of everyone knowing and thinking i asked for this. sometimes this fear is so bad i feel the only way out would be to end my life

[jno]

porn sites are full of lies: 'underage' people are over age, 'fathers and daughters' are totally unrelated and so on. The people using it might like to imagine they're really what they say they are; but imagination always plays a big part in sex and it isn't necessarily a sign that your partner is a pervert.

Some sites really do feature children; they're illegal, and downloading them is illegal too (and as far as I know even looking at them is also against the law, but I could be wrong there). But stuff showing sex between adults, hardcore or not, is legal, and pretty widely used.

[jackthehat]

lillybeth - I understand that you feel that it would be easier to use the il/legal porn as the reason to get rid of him. But I know that you know that you need to be rid of him regardless.............

It is a shame that you don't feel strong enough to be able to tell him to sling his hook and not even mention the porn.

Take heart that there are people here who can give you and ear or a shoulder when you need them.................but you'll have to provide your own backbone, I'm afraid :o)

[northernmonkey]

ummmm - she should not have to leave her home, nobody should. But rather than remaining where he knows of her location - would you not possibly agree until something can be sorted it would be best to leave for the moment ? That's how I see it, and would say it's the best thing for the moment aswell?

[bobjugs12]

Ummm, at the moment the house is just bricks and mortar. I'm more concerned about the safety of her and her children. The schoolgirl thing is fairly normal, the rape and incest side of things is the really worrying aspect. There are children and a vulnerable adult in that enviroment that need to be protected

[123everton]

"Crush" movies are quite popular on the gay scene I understand, it's not a pecadilloe peculiar to sexuality.
The legality is a grey area, it used to revolve around "deprave and corrupt", I think it's changed now.
The law on porn is a triumph of legalese, I think if the actors are made to look underage (without definition how do grade it?), if the forced acts are made to look as though it's ok (how do you define it?) when it comes to forced acts where does that leave mainstream films with such scenes?
Cartoons can also fall under the category, the law as it stands I find confusing and odd.
To my mind either make such scenes (forced) illegal full stop or not, make the legal age 21 solve a lot of problems.
If BF is not a violent man, if he's not acting in some way suspiciously, if he shows no other inclination to domination, then just get used to the fact that he's a w a n k e r.

[B00]

Or real rape Ummmm..

i know it's easier said than done lily, we're the ones looking in and not actually in that situation, but if he is violent and abusive sexually or otherwise, you need to get the courage to get out as soon as you can- if not for your sake, then for your childrens.

[ummmm]

She doesn't say how violent he is though. Being a nasty bully is different to beating her on a regular basis. It sounds like he's zapped her confidence.

[lillybeth]

can i just say thank you for all your advice and im sorry if any of you think im not trying to resolve this. i know i need to get a backbone i feel at the in im building one slowly, bit by bit, i have asked him more than once since xmas to start stopping at his own house again and he agrees and then does nothing about it. ive contacted womens aid and they are looking into options of things like changing the locks etc. while he is at work i just feel that untill i can face upto him myself, but i have done this in the past with no long term effect as he has his way of getting back in my head. i do think this time would be different as he has totally crossed the line this time. i just need him out

[jackthehat]

ummmm!!!

Read what lillybeth has written...............and then read between the lines, too !

lillybeth - put your keyboard down, pick up your 'phone and make the calls, now !!
You know, in your heart, what you have to do..............and you owe it to your chlidren.

[carrust]

I'm in total agreement what everyone is saying. What you have got to remember is that this situation is not going to get any better. His sexual appetite will not diminish over time, in fact it will get worse...he will start pushing the boundaries even further.
I would be very worried for your children!!!!

[B00]

Fingers crossed for you lily.

I do think your post, reading back on it now, has nothing to do with what he watches. I think you just needed others to tell you he's a to$$er and to get rid of him? We'll we have ,and so you should.

Good luck :-)

[ummmm]

Jack....I did read between the lines. It's hard to advise when we don't know all the aspects of the relationship. Being a sexual danger, as he appears to be, and violence in other areas. Can she change the locks with getting the sh!t kicked out of her...that's what I mean. Or does she have to uproot her kids?

We all know she has to do something sooner rather than later....My advice. Phone the police. If they said you will be believed then they will help you get him out. Probably arrange an injunction...and hopefully lock him up.

[B00]

I meant get out of the relationship!

But if i'm beingt honest, I have to say that if its easier for her to leave the house, then she should do it. She's two children to think about, and if her leaving her home is the only way to get him out of her life- then sadly she might have to think this is the only course of action.

[saxy_jag]

lilybeth, you really do need to do something, and I don't think you need anyone here to tell you that.

These sites probably aren't illegal - they are known to use young-looking models and actors who clearly aren't related to each other. And for most people who view them, it's just a harmless fantasy. But if this man is going further than sticking his hand down his trousers whilst watching, then you need to ask how long before it affects not just you (which you say it already has), but your daughters as well.

It's quite usual for anyone who has an abusive partner to find any number of reasons for not getting out, and professionals do understand this. It is not a weakness, just an indication that you need help. However, like an addiction, escape has to start with you. You should not feel ashamed or guilty at going to whoever you see fit and asking for help. No-one will blame you or think ill of you - no-one that matters, anyway. Believe me, he has more to fear from 'everyone knowing' than you do.

Re. your counsellor putting it 'out there' without your knowing first, remember that he/she is bound to keep the matter in confidence until you say otherwise. The only exception is if they think your girls are at risk of harm, in which case it is the counsellor's (or their manager's) duty to inform social services. This is the law. However, that could be just the metaphorical kick you need.

[chelle7272]

lillybeth, please please take the advice of EDDIE, bobjugs,jack and the rest and please get yourself out of the situation now.
If you don't you know he will talk you aroiund over and over because that is what has happened so far, and this needs to stop right now.
None of this is your fault and you have absolutley no need to be afraid of what people may think. he is in the wrong her not you. Please look after yourself and your children NOW and ask your counsellor if she can arrange a refuge or other accomodation. the legal stuff about the house etc can wait.
I'd come get you myself if I could!
please take care and let us know how things are going if you can xx

[bobjugs12]

Lilly. Do you live anywhere near London?

[CAJ1]

lillybeth, I know everyone is telling you to just leave him and having been in your situation I know its not as easy as that. I wanted to leave my ex for years but was too scared to as I knew how he would react. Forget about the porn, just get yourself clear of him to start with. One day everything will catch up with him and he'll get his just deserts but in the meantime, you and your children are the number 1 priority.

All you have to do is be brave just this once, if you are scared of how he will react, phone the police and ask them to be present when you ask him to leave your home - they will do this. Once he has left phone the police if he turns up on your doorstep, harasses or threatens you. Go to a solicitors, see if you are entitled to legal aid and get a court order so he can not come near you, your house or contact you. If he breaks it he will end up in court again or prison. Women's Aid will attend court to support you. When I left my ex the police visited me and offered to put panic alarms in every room of my house in case he turned up, they also gave me a personal alarm and put me on a list so that they would turn up within 3 minutes if I phoned them. The first few months will be hard, he will try to break you, he won't like it because you will be in control and he won't. Be strong for you and your children, in a years time you will look back and feel so much stronger and so glad that you got him out of your life.

If all this seems too much please buy a book called Its My Life Now by Meg Dugan, it will help you. Please also let me know if you would like my email address for support.