Fez's Off To Tommy

[Chipchopper]

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing shorts made out of cling film.
The shrink looks at him and says..."well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

[tonyav]

LOL, yep fez's off to Tommy.

[marval]

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs, but she's good with the kids.

[Zacs-Master]

Man walks into a bar.


Aaaaaaaaarghgh ghghgh.

It was an iron bar.

[Prudie]

She had beautiful long blonde hair, all down 'er back. None on 'er 'ed

[DTCwordfan]

A man walks into Sqad's Balearic office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks Sqad.

"It's ... ummmm ... well ... now, I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says Sqad, "How do your trousers fit after seeing ummmm?"

"Like a glove."

[DTCwordfan]

two of my favs:
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana on AB, press the Ed's hash key...."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Moira says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

[Chipchopper]

I jumped in the taxi and said to the driver "King Arthurs close".
He said "don't worry we'll lose him at the next set of lights"

[EDDIE51]

A guy walks into the doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers.
The receptionist asks why he has it there.
He replies ''It's driving me nuts''

[marval]

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

[Khandro]

A penguin walks into a bar and says "has my brother been in in", and the barman says, "Dunno, what's he look like?"

[marval]

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

[Togo]

I'm on a whisky diet.... I've lost 3 days already.

[marval]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

[Togo]

My wife said I think there's water in the carburetor, I said where's the car, She said in the River.

[ImLostAgain]

More of a visual one, but one of my favourites.
Says to doctor (while raising his arm)...doctor it hurts when I do this.
Doctor....Well don't do it then.

[marval]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

[Togo]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

[Patsy33]

I know where Tim Vine gets a lot of his jokes now!

[marval]

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said parking fine, so that was nice.

[DTCwordfan]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.