What Are The Social Rules?

[Tarser]

I'm an 'older person' and struggle with the relatively new informality that seems to come so easy to most people. I go into a supermarket and the cashier says to me: "Hello. How are you? Doing anything special today?" Much better than putting my shopping through without looking at me and chewing gum...but it makes me feel uncomfortable as I'm being spoken to like I'm a friend and I might never have seen him/her before.

I'm a tutor and bill parents for my services. Almost all of them use my first name, even if I've never met them. I both like it and don't like it. Is this friendliness or is it telling me that I have low status? I don't know how to reply to their emails. If I call them Mr, Mrs, Miss etc., am I being stuffy and unfriendly or am I showing them respect? I want to show both but it's either / or. I may be very old fashioned but I don't want to say 'Hi John, thanks for your email...' it seems wrong to me. I'm not his mate!

I have known a hospital consultant for several years who is treating me for a physical problem. She calls me and emails me using my first name and signs off with her first name. She is really friendly and informal - which is so much better than the old days of stand-offish consultants who looked down upon their patients. I respect her status as a surgeon and always reply using her title and surname. It would seem really strange to do otherwise but I don't want her to think I'm really cold and business-like.

I find it quite offensive when someone rings me and uses my first name immediately, especially when they want to sell me something. Informality is being used here as a way of manipulating me...

So, all round confusion and conflict. The world has changed and nobody consulted me, so I'll have to ask those that adapted quickly to the new rules. Thank you.

[murraymints]

I agree

[pixie374]

I think it is just friendly, rather than disrespectful. I would use a title if replying to a consultant, as that is in a business sense.

[MallyJ]

I agree...and I hate being called 'love' or 'darling' or similar by total strangers.

[Zacs-Master]

It’s a generational thing. As most ‘social nicety’ concepts are. People dress more informally, eat more casually and chat more readily. I think it’s great.

[pixie374]

I still make the maid curtsey though :-)

[DarceyK123]

I quite like the friendly approach, and for some older people who see very very few people it would make their day to have a friendly conversation.

I don't mind being called darling or luv, it's just being friendly.

However, I do think in certain situations, like the ones you mention, then a certain level of informaty is required.

I think it's just the way the world is going. When I started work 30 years ago we had to call the managers Mr, Miss, Mrs but now we call then by their first name.

[Zacs-Master]

I have to admit that I can spot when it’s company policy to be chatty though, and that annoys me slightly. Next till staff are a classic example.

[Sqad]

"which is so much better than the old days of stand-offish consultants who looked down upon their patients. I respect her status as a surgeon"

"Stand offish"? "looked down upon their patients"..........some may have done, but the majority weren't stand offish and certainly didn't look down upon their patients.

The technique of "good morning Jim " and " hello Helen" with a slap on the back is fine, if all is going well in the clinical relationship, but this is quickly seen as a disadvantage if complications arise.

No, i prefer "Good morning Mrs Green " and " Good morning doctor."

[dannyk13]

My doctor has always called me by my first name and I have slipped into the habit of calling him Doc.This seems to work fine for both of us.

[Tuvok]

I'm with you - until someone gives me the right to address them by their first name, its Mr, Mrs, Miss.

What I hate at the tills is "have a nice day" - I'm NOT in America thank you very much!

[Islay]

I have no issue with calling my consultant Mr Lii and him calling me Flossie. Perhaps it is generational but being called my first name doesn’t bother me at all!

[ummmm]

I've never used my doctors name. I just say hello.

[ToraToraTora]

They do deliver!

[woofgang]

The people in shops and supermarkets are often required to do the "friendly chat" thing and many of them dislike it as much as the customers!

[Tarser]

Just to add a bit more....years ago, I worked somewhere where everyone was issued with identity badges. We were all Mr, Mrs, Miss or Ms - all except the caretaker! He was 'John'. He rightly complained and told the managers that if all the other men there were Mr., so was he! So using first names can be an unconscious way of saying 'you are lower in status to me'. I am very happy to be called by my first name by a consultant but I want to use his or her surname as a mark of respect for his or her status, but I'm not sure if my respect is taken this way. My consultant might think I'm stuffy and unfriendly.

Very occasionally, I might go out for a meal. My wife will put on a ice dress or top and a bit of 'bling' and I might wear a smart shirt. It gives it a sense of occasion, but everyone else is in jeans and T-shirts and trainers. I think the loss of formality is a bit sad. I wonder how long it will be before people dress casually for weddings and funerals. I fully expect it to happen.

So, I think it's a double-edged sword. I have noticed a very definite change of attitude in nurses and doctors. As a kid who fell off his bike, nurses were dismissive and rude and doctors hid behind white coats and were unfriendly and 'superior'. They are now so much more informal and friendly but with the disadvantage of sacrificing 'respect'....I'm still very confused about how to behave, dress and speak to people!

[Electrochem]

I started work in 1968 and anyone above you was always referred to by their title and surname. When the Managing Director came in, you were expected to stand. I have a friend who worked in a bank, and all staff had to call the manager sir. Those days are long gone and when I retired, all members of staff from the bottom to the top, were called by their Christian Names. I do agree with you on the way some people dress now. Men don't know how to wear a suit and I hate to see a tie worn with the top button undone or sleeves rolled up. Two button suit, only top button fastened; three button suit middle button fastened. Pointed bottom waistcoat, bottom button undone. Correct amount of sleeve showing.

[Jackdaw33]

If you watched Downton Abbey you would see how it operated. Lower servants were addressed by their first names and higher ones by their surname. The butler was Carson to the family but Mr Carson to the other servants.

[andres]

I don't agree that it's a generational thing .Sometimes I think it depends where you live. I live in a very friendly area of Lancashire. The world hasn't changed in this area . I do agree with Sqad however I prefer Doctors and hospital staff to keep a professional manner and much preferred it when they all wore white uniforms. Supermarket staff do have to ask--'do you need any help with your packing' and 'have a nice day'. I find that a bit irritating .
I find that funerals these days are much more relaxed than they used to be .People don't seem to wear all black clothes any more . Does it really matter what colour you wear?How you conduct yourself is more important.Weddings are still flamboyant affairs .
Tarser--- You need to stop thinking so seriously and lighten up a bit. You never know ,you might begin to enjoy yourself.

[Jackdaw33]

I think it IS very much a generation thing. I would never dream of attending a funeral without a dark suit and black tie.

[bednobs]

even if someone had requested "no black"?