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Relationship expectations
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Can it ever work if 2 partners have very different expectations of the relationship? We are in our mid/late 30s and have lived together for 3 months.I've learned he is not the communicative type..he doesn't say anything meaningful to me, pay compliments,want to discuss our relationship or what I mean to him. He never makes me feel special.He does tell me he loves me all the time but can't say why he does.He says we are together and that's all that matters to him.
I have expectations that you should be very close and intimate in a relationship,feel special and want to make the other person happy, even if it's something that doesn't matter to you. I go out of my way to do all the things that make him happy but he can't do the one thing I need,to feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. He says getting on day to day is the most important thing to him and he doesn't see the point in having to tell me intimate or emotional things.
I feel very down about it and have told him I'm thinking of leaving..he says I've just got to 'chill out', stop nagging him about it and accept him as he is and it will be fine. He says he is happy and can't see the problem.
He was with his ex for 8 years and they never talked intimately apparantly..they are still friendly,which I'm fine with as they have a child..but I yearn to feel special to him,and feel like he is just treating me the same as he did her when I'm a different person with different needs. She wouldn't even hold hands in public.I'm a loving,open person and need the same back.He did make an effort at first but now we live together he doesn't.
He also spends 5 to 6 hours most nights on his pc or tv on football things and can't understand why I feel taken for granted?If he made me feel special to him I'm the most easy going woman ever,wouldn't care how much time he spent on football.
Am I being over demanding,highly strung etc as he says I am? <
I have expectations that you should be very close and intimate in a relationship,feel special and want to make the other person happy, even if it's something that doesn't matter to you. I go out of my way to do all the things that make him happy but he can't do the one thing I need,to feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. He says getting on day to day is the most important thing to him and he doesn't see the point in having to tell me intimate or emotional things.
I feel very down about it and have told him I'm thinking of leaving..he says I've just got to 'chill out', stop nagging him about it and accept him as he is and it will be fine. He says he is happy and can't see the problem.
He was with his ex for 8 years and they never talked intimately apparantly..they are still friendly,which I'm fine with as they have a child..but I yearn to feel special to him,and feel like he is just treating me the same as he did her when I'm a different person with different needs. She wouldn't even hold hands in public.I'm a loving,open person and need the same back.He did make an effort at first but now we live together he doesn't.
He also spends 5 to 6 hours most nights on his pc or tv on football things and can't understand why I feel taken for granted?If he made me feel special to him I'm the most easy going woman ever,wouldn't care how much time he spent on football.
Am I being over demanding,highly strung etc as he says I am? <
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some men are v.shy about personal feelings & dont know how to verbalise them. You're able to express yours verbally - makes you opposites, that could be the attraction between both. He's with you even if he's absorbed with football/pc or tv. Would you prefer him out 'on the lash'?
Make the most of what he is and enjoy - he is there for you.
Make the most of what he is and enjoy - he is there for you.
Yeh ummm you're right but he will make me resentful if I always feel unappreciated so it's a non-starter really..I don't believe you can change somebody and wouldn't try anyway just hoped he would make a bit of effort to understand ...suppose am shocked that the basic communication isn't important to him at all..that that part of the relationship just doesn't matter to him and never will. I've got my answer anyway, it's how I thought..we aren't compatible in an important area,no matter how I try to compromise he won't.Sad but no future in it, other than as friends.I would have tried my hardest, gone to Relate,anything.But I can't do it on my own.
Have you learnt from experience Scarra,about communicating?It's funny, I never expected love letters,grand gestures,just basic loving communication but he said men just aren't like that..but some of you seem to be able to do it..be interested from a mans' point of view if it's possible to open up.. just out of interest?
Have you learnt from experience Scarra,about communicating?It's funny, I never expected love letters,grand gestures,just basic loving communication but he said men just aren't like that..but some of you seem to be able to do it..be interested from a mans' point of view if it's possible to open up.. just out of interest?
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Oh LaLa, I wrestled with this same problem for many, many years. Mr Aprilis is not the demonstrative, tactile or emotionally open type but, like yourself, I am. It's never been a problem for him but sometimes it's been a major problem for me.
For me, things came to a head a few years ago when someone came along who was open, communicative and lavished me with compliments making me feel wanted, valued and special. It turned my head after living for so long without those things. It had got to the stage where I believed the only reason Mr Aprilis and I were still together was because it was easier than the alternative.
Con't.......
For me, things came to a head a few years ago when someone came along who was open, communicative and lavished me with compliments making me feel wanted, valued and special. It turned my head after living for so long without those things. It had got to the stage where I believed the only reason Mr Aprilis and I were still together was because it was easier than the alternative.
Con't.......
Mr Aprilis was devastated and I was stunned to find that it had shattered his world and left him bewildered. Due to the lack of any demonstrable emotion from him I truly believed that he didn't give a hoot about me. It took some time after that incident and several weeks of painful soul searching, but we both realised, despite our differing emotional traits, that we really did still want to be together. We are now both secure in the knowledge that we love eachother no matter what. We are now in our 15th year together.
During that difficult time, Mr Aprilis proved to me in many ways and beyond doubt that what I thought I was missing... because it wasn't overtly demonstrated...was there all the time. Whereas the other person turned out to be no more than a charming chancer who had all the lines to make a woman feel good, but zero to back it up with.
What I suppose my point there is, is that someone who doesn't outwardly show their feelings but genuinely loves you can be infinitely better than someone who appears to fulfill your emotional needs but actually has nothing of substance to offer. Only you can decide if what you DO get from your partner is enough to last the distance or whether your needs are so unfulfilled that you really should call it a day.
My advice to you is to always be true to yourself. If it hurts or feels wrong, then it's time to move on. My story illustrates that it's only when I was true to myself and sought the emotional reassurance I needed did it eventually work itself out to a satisfactory conclusion. Because I'd let it fester before doing something about it, It threw our world upside down at the time but, If I hadn't done that, I'd no doubt still be feeling very emotionally barren in a stagnant relationship. It could have gone either way, but I honestly believe that because I was being true to myself it worked out favourably in the end.
LaLa, I wish you the best of luck
During that difficult time, Mr Aprilis proved to me in many ways and beyond doubt that what I thought I was missing... because it wasn't overtly demonstrated...was there all the time. Whereas the other person turned out to be no more than a charming chancer who had all the lines to make a woman feel good, but zero to back it up with.
What I suppose my point there is, is that someone who doesn't outwardly show their feelings but genuinely loves you can be infinitely better than someone who appears to fulfill your emotional needs but actually has nothing of substance to offer. Only you can decide if what you DO get from your partner is enough to last the distance or whether your needs are so unfulfilled that you really should call it a day.
My advice to you is to always be true to yourself. If it hurts or feels wrong, then it's time to move on. My story illustrates that it's only when I was true to myself and sought the emotional reassurance I needed did it eventually work itself out to a satisfactory conclusion. Because I'd let it fester before doing something about it, It threw our world upside down at the time but, If I hadn't done that, I'd no doubt still be feeling very emotionally barren in a stagnant relationship. It could have gone either way, but I honestly believe that because I was being true to myself it worked out favourably in the end.
LaLa, I wish you the best of luck
Aprilis thank you so much for being so open, am so glad for you and Mr A that you are both very happy now, and that you worked your issues out..
Sorry to ask, do you mean that if you had asked for a bit of acknowledgment earlier things wouldn't have got as bad as they did for you?Do you think if you had talked about it Mr A would have tried to compromise and be a bit more open towards you?
Sorry to ask, do you mean that if you had asked for a bit of acknowledgment earlier things wouldn't have got as bad as they did for you?Do you think if you had talked about it Mr A would have tried to compromise and be a bit more open towards you?
No you are not.
I'm in a relationship similar to you and I'm going to end it as I have had it out with him a few times and he just doesn't listen.
I am six months down the line I feel like I am his 'booty call' and I'm still struggling alone with life that I thought the whole point of being with someone was to feel like you had some support.
I am not that bothered if I am on my own to be honest as I was in a unhappy marriage for many years and swore I would never be unhappy with anyone again.
It depends really how much you love him and if he is willing to listen to you. If not then you have to think about your happiness not just his x
I'm in a relationship similar to you and I'm going to end it as I have had it out with him a few times and he just doesn't listen.
I am six months down the line I feel like I am his 'booty call' and I'm still struggling alone with life that I thought the whole point of being with someone was to feel like you had some support.
I am not that bothered if I am on my own to be honest as I was in a unhappy marriage for many years and swore I would never be unhappy with anyone again.
It depends really how much you love him and if he is willing to listen to you. If not then you have to think about your happiness not just his x
Aprilis has hit the nail on the head! I got together with my partner after a succession of failed relationships, mostly with men who were charmers who put their own needs above mine. Then I met Martin. He was confident and independent. Although initially romantic, taking me out for meals and buying me flowers for valentines day, it gradually petered out as the months and years rolled on. Now I have to remind him when it is my birthday and I have not seen a bunch of flowers in years. We also never hold hands in public, he never cuddles me or tells me that I look good, except very occaisonally.
Does any of that matter to me? No! He is incredibly supportive in practical ways, when I went through an extremely stressful time in my previous employment, he dealt with all the practical problems and gave me a lot of good advice. I can rely on him 100% in day to day issues and I know that he will never let me down, he is hard working and extremely practical. He can fix anything he turns his hand to and my parents love him! Equally he knows he can rely on me 100%. We know that we love each other, we don't need to tell each other that all the time, we have now been together 20 years and are happy to spend the rest of our lives together.
My feelings are that loving words and gestures are easy to say, but completly worthless if they cannot be backed up by actions. If your man is supportive in other practical means, I think you would be mad to give up on this relationship until you are very definately certain that it is going nowhere.
I wish you all the best, you sound like a very sensible person who I am sure will weigh up all the pros and cons.
All the best, Sue
Does any of that matter to me? No! He is incredibly supportive in practical ways, when I went through an extremely stressful time in my previous employment, he dealt with all the practical problems and gave me a lot of good advice. I can rely on him 100% in day to day issues and I know that he will never let me down, he is hard working and extremely practical. He can fix anything he turns his hand to and my parents love him! Equally he knows he can rely on me 100%. We know that we love each other, we don't need to tell each other that all the time, we have now been together 20 years and are happy to spend the rest of our lives together.
My feelings are that loving words and gestures are easy to say, but completly worthless if they cannot be backed up by actions. If your man is supportive in other practical means, I think you would be mad to give up on this relationship until you are very definately certain that it is going nowhere.
I wish you all the best, you sound like a very sensible person who I am sure will weigh up all the pros and cons.
All the best, Sue
i am sorry i havent readd all the responses but i just wanted to say i had a relationship for 2 years which ended a couple of months ago.....I am starting to get over it but am still a little bit of a mess. But anyway for the first few months it was perfect and i am like you and want to same things that you do from a man (also wondering if i was asking too much - but have decided that i wasnt). I supported him, paid for him to do the things he wanted and got very little in return over the last year. Then he left. I would say if you arent getting what you want out of it so early on then it doesnt sound good and that you deserve to get more. I don't mean that to sound horrible but i just think life is too short to settle.
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Hello again LaLa.
I did ask Mr Aprilis to show more affection, many times, but it made no difference as it just isn't in his nature. Just as it isn't in your partner's nature.
When someone else showed me that affection it made Mr A sit up and pay serious attention. It took the realisation that I really was so unhappy that I'd turn to someone else, to make him take stock of the situation. It took that to force him to communicate with me openly and honestly. It eventually became apparent to me that what I REALLY needed was already there all along. He just never told me until he was so broken that he just spilled his guts about how he felt about me. And he still wanted to be with me despite what I'd done to him. It didn't change the fact that he's still not the demonstrative type in the way of being overtly affectionate. He makes the effort to show that he loves me in other, more practical and very thoughtful ways...like he always did... just a little more so since then.
The bit that I think relates to you is that what you truly need, when it really comes down to it, might also be there already too. So don't be too hasty in deciding to throw the towel in until you are sure that this relationship is just not right for you. However, if it really makes you desperately unhappy and you can't live like that, then you MUST be true to your own feelings and seek fulfillment elsewhere. Or else it'll be a very rocky road ahead and you'll both end up unhappy.
I was just dead lucky that seeking emotional validation elsewhere resulted in Mr A and I coming to a deeper understanding and staying together. It could have killed our relationship once and for all. But I couldn't be more certain that if I hadn't been true to myself I wouldn't be happy now. Whether that was going to be with Mr A or without him.
I did ask Mr Aprilis to show more affection, many times, but it made no difference as it just isn't in his nature. Just as it isn't in your partner's nature.
When someone else showed me that affection it made Mr A sit up and pay serious attention. It took the realisation that I really was so unhappy that I'd turn to someone else, to make him take stock of the situation. It took that to force him to communicate with me openly and honestly. It eventually became apparent to me that what I REALLY needed was already there all along. He just never told me until he was so broken that he just spilled his guts about how he felt about me. And he still wanted to be with me despite what I'd done to him. It didn't change the fact that he's still not the demonstrative type in the way of being overtly affectionate. He makes the effort to show that he loves me in other, more practical and very thoughtful ways...like he always did... just a little more so since then.
The bit that I think relates to you is that what you truly need, when it really comes down to it, might also be there already too. So don't be too hasty in deciding to throw the towel in until you are sure that this relationship is just not right for you. However, if it really makes you desperately unhappy and you can't live like that, then you MUST be true to your own feelings and seek fulfillment elsewhere. Or else it'll be a very rocky road ahead and you'll both end up unhappy.
I was just dead lucky that seeking emotional validation elsewhere resulted in Mr A and I coming to a deeper understanding and staying together. It could have killed our relationship once and for all. But I couldn't be more certain that if I hadn't been true to myself I wouldn't be happy now. Whether that was going to be with Mr A or without him.
Having read that back I appear to have contradicted myself!
When I said that Mr A shows his love in other ways 'like he always did', I should have said that I just didn't see it at the time. The stuff that I felt was missing dominated how I judged the value of our relationship and whether he really loved me or not.
When I said that Mr A shows his love in other ways 'like he always did', I should have said that I just didn't see it at the time. The stuff that I felt was missing dominated how I judged the value of our relationship and whether he really loved me or not.
you deserve to have your needs met and enjoy a mutual relationship based on honsty and respect. If you do not feel happy in the relationship then no harm looking elsewhere and moving on. Whilst he may be happy the relationship is about both of you for it to work. Tell him how you feel suggest couple counselling and if it doesnt work move on. If you settle for this you will remain unhappy
good luck
good luck
Can a relationship work if expectations are different? Absolutely. How? By compromising, meeting in the middle and realizing its a little give and take.
If you have expressed your needs/desires, and he doesn't meet you half way? What's that telling you? Giving you a few compliments? Doing little things to make you feel loved? Shouldn't be too much of a deal. If a guy wants a girl enough? He will do anything.
You tell him you feel down, enough to make you leave and he tells you to "chill out" - This shows disregard to your feelings. Id he valued you enough - He would want to make you happy.
Being with an ex for 8 years? He is maybe set into a routine of past ways. Maybe he didn't pay the last girl compliments. You asking him to love you? wont make him love you. I always say, if you have to ask a guy to treat you right, deep down you know its not right. If you need him to prove his love and he is not actively showing you? He's not that interested. he doesn't care enough to keep you.
Plenty more guys out there who will treat you right.
For the records? This man sounds horrifically boring, unloving and on his PC too much. Yuck! Do you really want to be stuck to that?
If you have expressed your needs/desires, and he doesn't meet you half way? What's that telling you? Giving you a few compliments? Doing little things to make you feel loved? Shouldn't be too much of a deal. If a guy wants a girl enough? He will do anything.
You tell him you feel down, enough to make you leave and he tells you to "chill out" - This shows disregard to your feelings. Id he valued you enough - He would want to make you happy.
Being with an ex for 8 years? He is maybe set into a routine of past ways. Maybe he didn't pay the last girl compliments. You asking him to love you? wont make him love you. I always say, if you have to ask a guy to treat you right, deep down you know its not right. If you need him to prove his love and he is not actively showing you? He's not that interested. he doesn't care enough to keep you.
Plenty more guys out there who will treat you right.
For the records? This man sounds horrifically boring, unloving and on his PC too much. Yuck! Do you really want to be stuck to that?
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