Can't accept end of relationship

[sallyann16]

I posted on here a few months ago about the stress and anxiety of my seeing a married man who I stood by despite being let down by him several times.
I told him today that because I'm not a real girlfriend, and because he treats me only as just a friend, I'm happy to be just that - friends, with none of the thwarted expectations that a romantic element has given me (i.e. no getting together, no gifts, no time - just lots of phone calls mainly about him and his woes).
He refuses to accept a friends status and would rather cut all contact, as he said he couldn't bear to hear I'd met another man.
I have tried so many times to end this that this must look to him as just another red herring, but I finally realise I will never, ever, get what I want from him.
I want to end things nicely but he ignores my calls and texts. Is it possible to simply walk away with everything unresolved? I am desperate for him to admit part-responsibility for this mess, but he is wanting to leave it with him as the messed-about victim.
Advice please?

[woofgang]

You said it yourself. Don't waste any more of your life. Walk away, walk away now.

[sallyann16]

I'm obsessed about trying to get him to take some of the blame. Is it really that easy to just let it go?

[grasscarp]

There is no happy ending. I have never remained friends with my exes. To me it doesnt translate from them being your partner to just a casual friend. As you ex has said he wouldnt want to know about you meeting another man. He is having his cake and eating it, and you know that. He has let you down and will continue to because his priority is someone else. It is only by making a complete break that you will get your life back and get the chance to be somebody's priority, which you deserve.

[Prudie]

It will be very hard to let go but that's what you must concentrate on. You are focussing too much on him accepting responsibility - not only is this unlikely but even if he did I don't think it would help you like you think. Don't try to text or call, make a clean break, go through the grieving process and come through free to find happiness elsewhere.

[EvianBaby]

Delete his number. Then delete all your texts to and from him, then delete your calls list then delete anything else you might have that contains his number and remind yourself that somebody who cared about you wouldn't treat you like crap. Focus on the people that really matter.

[sallyann16]

Thanks so much, Grasscarp and Prudie, that has helped me hugely. It feels like I have invested so much into this man - given him so much time and support and encouragement - that to walk away with nothing after 3 years is the biggest frustration, especially as he chooses to see ME as the catalyst for the split. But cold turkey is, I know, the only way. Thank you so much for your support.

[grasscarp]

and remember that men dont do accepting blame for anything. IMHO

[sallyann16]

Thanks Evian Baby - number deleted! And it feels good!

[Prudie]

I agree with grasscarp but didn't want to say in case I sounded like an embittered female!1 It's true though, he certainly won't be feeling guilty.

[Eve]

He has never given you more than what he wants on his terms from the sound of it and he is still doing the same - chances are you will never get what you want from him so the quickest way to heal is to give up trying sooner so you will be over him quicker.

As long as he has a hold on you you will be in limbo so break it and go out and enjoy yourself and find much better things to spend your life on.

[grasscarp]

I split up once from a disasterous relationship on Christmas Eve. Cried so much in the car driving out of London that I nearly drove into a roundabout. Boxing Day I met the person who is now my husband. You can often get over a relationship that was not that great any way quicker than you think. Best of luck.

[Count-A-Strong]

Grasscarp - is he called Dougal?

[grasscarp]

I would not names on here, but he is from the country shaped like a boot.

[sallyann16]

I should never have been so gullible to hang on in there as long as I did, but being free of the anxiety does feel a bit better, I have to admit. I know I will miss him in my life so much - the texts and the chats - but the other 90% was hell and I was just a nice constant safety net to him probably from day one. Jenna is right - I would never get what I wanted from him and to be honest I doubt his wife does either. He was always the 'poor me' type and I felt so useful, so helpful, so needed - but as soon as I wanted anything, it was tough. I'm so sad because I feel so invalidated and in the end I just ruined it (probably deliberately) because it felt so crap for me and so fine for him.

[Count-A-Strong]

Oh, I just thought it might have been a Magic Roundabout you nearly drove into.

[grasscarp]

well it was a miracle I didnt make contact with it! But a trip down the A13 can bring you back down to earth kind of quick.

[cazzz1975]

move on, forget about trying to resolve things, sometimes you just have to let go, you have wasted enough of your precious time on this guy. try to resist the urge to contact him again, it will be difficult but you will get over it and you will be happy again.

[grasscarp]

It is a privilege really on here that complete strangers lay open their problems and invite comment. We are all on your side it seems Sallyann, and come back on here if you need support in the future. There is such a cross section of us, age wise from teens up to 80s, and some will have been in the same situation as you so can look back on it and offer sage words.

[askyourgran]

You have told him you want to end the relationship, I presume you have told him why, (apart from him still being married to someone else.) You have closed your side of it. Walk away now it is over and done with. You are looking for a decent man who is free to give you his loyalty and his love, not another red herring (love that turn of phrase). You are the one who matters now don't waste any more of your life on losers.

[bednobs]

YOU did not "ruin it" it sounds like there wasn't much of a relationship there (for you at least) to ruin.