Can't accept end of relationship

[sallyann16]

I posted on here a few months ago about the stress and anxiety of my seeing a married man who I stood by despite being let down by him several times.
I told him today that because I'm not a real girlfriend, and because he treats me only as just a friend, I'm happy to be just that - friends, with none of the thwarted expectations that a romantic element has given me (i.e. no getting together, no gifts, no time - just lots of phone calls mainly about him and his woes).
He refuses to accept a friends status and would rather cut all contact, as he said he couldn't bear to hear I'd met another man.
I have tried so many times to end this that this must look to him as just another red herring, but I finally realise I will never, ever, get what I want from him.
I want to end things nicely but he ignores my calls and texts. Is it possible to simply walk away with everything unresolved? I am desperate for him to admit part-responsibility for this mess, but he is wanting to leave it with him as the messed-about victim.
Advice please?

[sallyann16]

This 'relationship' has been an addiction for me in the same way smoking used to be. I feel the same way now as I did 4 years ago giving up the fags. I was convinced then, as now, that life would never be the same again. I'm in mourning for what was actually just a few months in total of happiness. The rest was a cacophony of worrying and wanting and not getting. He is an emotionally unavailable man and that is quite a potent allure to the gullible (i.e. me). Add into the mix a man who would refuse point blank to discuss my concerns and I can now understand why bunnies get boiled.

[tenrec]

In 5 or 10 years time where will you be? Either the same place you are now (not very pleasant from what you say) or you could have a whole new life. Think about it. Good luck.

[anneasquith]

he^s a married man, did you expect he would really leave his wife for you ?

[ummmm]

No one has to admit responsibility. You're both grown ups...you both know it takes two to tango.

This is how the relationship ended....accept it and move on.

[sallyann16]

It's worse today. The 'high' of making the decision has worn off and there is always that hope that he will text after all. But I know full well that that would lead back to exactly the same position again, of me not getting what I want. I will keep posting here - mainly for my own self-indulgent therapy, admittedly - and thank you for your continued support. So often, an outsider's viewpoint is the most valuable of all.

[LDC134]

Stay strong sallyann, and when you find yourself checking your phone, go and do something else - make a list of things you can go and do so you can easily distract yourself. And if I were you, and it was possible, I would get a new phone so he doesn't even have your number. That really closes the door. Keep posting on here, you will find a really good network of advice and support x x

[anneasquith]

yep............ change your phone number.

[sallyann16]

Thank you so much. I'm really angry now, thinking over the past 3 years and how low a priority I was to him. His wife once rang me and said I was just a safety net in case the marriage failed, and it's the best description of all. He wanted a chum to chew the fat with over work issues, what to buy in Tesco's, what he was cooking...but it was a friend with benefits he was after, and if I even hinted at getting a man of my own, it was phone down, door closed, goodbye. I'm cross I allowed myself to stay in that position for so long but it could've been 10 years, not 3.

[linedancer16]

I feel sorry for his wife (and children?)! (been there!) Why did you start seeing someone elses husband in the first place?

[Old_Geezer]

Assigning blame ought not be necessary nor solve/settle anything, but since you seem to find it difficult to ignore blame, draw a line, and start afresh then you are going to have a more difficult time. Have to say as I get older I get more and more skeptical as to whether assigning blame helps at all. Much better to analyse what has been learnt so each can avoid the same problems in the future.

His suggestion to cut all ties abruptly is probably best for both of you. Whilst you continue to see each others, even if you try to make the decision to be just friends, then the reminder is always there, it is so much more difficult to accept and move on.

However judging from your posts you seem to be moving in the right direction anyway so I'll just leave my best wishes for you to get back on track with your life. And yes, look on the bright side, 3 years is just a detour in your life, not the end of the world. And I guess you've come out of it a wiser individual.

[grasscarp]

Sallyann, as you have said today - he effectively had 2 women in his life and you didnt even have 1 man for yourself. Remind yourself that to answer his texts and slip back into seeing him again only postpones the start of your new life. Well done if it is only 3 years. You will get over this. Make yourself go out and about with other people this Christmas, please.

[andy-hughes]

This man has been stratospherically selfish with your love and affection and friendship - he deserves none of them.

The fact that he patently doesn't want you as a partner, but persists in this dog-in-a-manger attitude of punishing you if he thinks you wont be there on tap for him as and when he requires.

You have done the hard part - breaking off with him. Now comes the seriously hard part - getting used to your life without him in it, which gfiven the vast amount of time and emotion you have invested, feels impossible.

It's not. Even though right now you feel as though life with him - as hellish as it was - still beats life without him, this is an illusion. When you are in the early stages of grief for a relationship, you focus on all the good parts, and how you feel lost without those 'good' times.

It's now when you realise how powerful the concept of denial really is.

Ignore your emotional mind - it has not concept of what is going on, it just feels, and right now it feels seriously bad.

Focus on your rational mind - your posts demonstrate clearly that you are aware of how fruitless this situation is, and how damaging it is, and continues to be.

You have to tell yourself, out loud looking in a mirror helps - that you are worth far more than this miserable individual's token selfish feelings, and that you can survive perfectly well without this kind of faux crush in your life - and that is what this is, and you know it.

When you build up your self-esteen, which will take time, you will feel able to face the world as an individual, and that strength will seriously improve your next relationship (yes there will be one!) and ensure that you are far more balanced and less needy next time around.

"What doesn't kill us makes us strong" said Nietsche - but what he forgot to mention is that before it makes us strong, it nearly kills us for quite some time!

You will get past this - you are a strong valuable worthwhile individual with love to give - you just need to know that, and then find someone who deserves you - this man is clearly not it, and never will be.

Keep posting - we are all here.

[sallyann16]

Your answers are all brilliant and just what I need to hear. Andy you are spot on about how he doesn't want me as a partner but is able to manipulate my loyalty, while still living with his wife. I do actually believe they live like flatmates but my point to him was always that if that was the case, why was he not free to see someone else discreetly, just as she has her own weekends away? The answer is that having a faux girlfriend and faux wife suited him very well. He then had faux security and affection without having to make a huge effort to be either husband OR boyfriend. It suited him to keep his life in limbo. Any pressure, any questioning, any analysis from me sent him into an orbit of denial and defensiveness and I can. not. try. any. more. At least I know THAT - now comes the detoxing and cold turkey.

[sallyann16]

I have spoken to him now. I engineered the call because I simply had to for my own peace of mind. It has at least given me some closure. He was brutually honest for, ironically, the first time in our relationship: having no texts and calls was, he said, a release from the stress, and he enjoyed not having to worry about where I was and who I was with. It was a hideous call in that respect but a necessary one, and now I know exactly where I stand. I felt it important to apologise for my own part in this, even though he didn't think to apologise for or even acknowledge his own. I'm devastated and crying and will be so for a long while, but I had to have this call and I'm very very glad I did.

[andy-hughes]

The circle is broken - well done!

Just resist the temptation to fix the break - you know it makes sense.

[sallyann16]

Thank you Andy. He admitted that he'd said things purely so he wouldn't lose me, i.e. that he would leave his wife in 3 years, or that he'd come and spend a weekend in my flat with me. It gave me great validation because I had known all along that he would never do these things, hence my frustration that ended in rows. I know for a fact that he will now turn around and forget all about me, he has the ability to simply bury his head. But I needed that call, I couldn't bear to have no resolution, no end.

[andy-hughes]

It's one of life's supreme ironies that is this situation, the one thing that hurst you the most - the pain of losing him - is the one thing that is going to make you feel better, it's like emotional chemotherapy - but you have done the hard part, and are doing the harder part, so hang in there, and you will emerge on the other side knowing this will never happen to you again.

[sallyann16]

Thank you Andy, you are very wise. Worse today, of course, because he hasn't contacted me and I must carry on assuming he doesn't care. I gave him a lot of money over the past 3 years and he said last night that it had been 'embarrassing' and he ' wasn't worthy'. It was a very revealing call and I would never take him back now after what I have learned. But still extremely painful and I feel like Sugar :)

[cathfromsaron]

draw a line under it and walk away x

[sallyann16]

I did very well over the weekend and even when he texted (after drink) to say he loved me on Sat eve, I knew it was simply the wine talking. I was strong all Sunday and then he texted in the evening to say it was such a shame we couldn't talk anymore and he missed me. This of course was just a rouse to draw me back in again, and naturally all day yesterday I was wondering why he hadn't phoned or text if he wanted to chat so much?
So today I've made the decision - we can't be friends. I get even less from him as a friend as I did as a supposed girlfriend. It has to be no contact entirely.
Perhaps now I can properly get on with getting over him, as opposed to trying to dress up the end with assurances of friendship etc. It doesn't work, does it?
No contact is, I now realise, better and easier than sporadic contact that I spend my days waiting for and pouncing on. Okay, here we go.