Can't accept end of relationship

[sallyann16]

I posted on here a few months ago about the stress and anxiety of my seeing a married man who I stood by despite being let down by him several times.
I told him today that because I'm not a real girlfriend, and because he treats me only as just a friend, I'm happy to be just that - friends, with none of the thwarted expectations that a romantic element has given me (i.e. no getting together, no gifts, no time - just lots of phone calls mainly about him and his woes).
He refuses to accept a friends status and would rather cut all contact, as he said he couldn't bear to hear I'd met another man.
I have tried so many times to end this that this must look to him as just another red herring, but I finally realise I will never, ever, get what I want from him.
I want to end things nicely but he ignores my calls and texts. Is it possible to simply walk away with everything unresolved? I am desperate for him to admit part-responsibility for this mess, but he is wanting to leave it with him as the messed-about victim.
Advice please?

[grasscarp]

Sallyann. You have to drop find some other interest. You have made the wise decision that this is the end of your affair. Lovers do not become friends, and in this case you have realised it isnt going to happen. Now you need to find someone who is available and who you can have a real relationship with instead of the virtual one you have been putting up with till now. There are usually parties and get togethers at Christmas and New Year so it is time to give yourself a bit of pampering and get out there to start living again.

[grasscarp]

My first sentence went a bit wrong. I meant to say you have to drop him and find some other interests.

[sallyann16]

You're right - he was like a hobby. Here was a damaged, unhappy man with no friends, and it was my hobby to fix him and make myself look and feel important because he relied on me so much. But he didn't - that was only my own fantasy. Time to force myself to get out now and Christmas is the best time for distraction and other (family) stress! Thank you so much.

[grasscarp]

Good on you. Let us know how you get on.

[sallyann16]

Just a quick update: after agreeing to end all contact, the very next day he rings and chats as though nothing has happened, even suggesting we meet up in the new year. This erratic behaviour confirms he is just playing, and if I reacted to his contact with joy and emotion, he would back off again for a few days. Indeed, a day later and he doesn't text at all. This would've bothered me to distraction before, but now I know I don't need him, I just let it wash over me. He will, I suspect, always text now and then, just to test the water. But I am calm and unruffled and will never get drawn back in again. I'm not saying that his sudden reappearance and then disappearance didn't upset me, of course it did, it's an ingrained reaction in me. But I'm learning and I'm stronger and I absolutely have the measure of him. I've far better things to do than wait for a bald little text.

[emmie]

good for you, and change your mobile number, so he can't tx you, that way he will get the message.

[albaqwerty]

I was about to type that but EM beat me to it :)

[sallyann16]

Thank you, you two - I believe that he is actually quite a psychologically dangerous man and luckily for me we live 250 miles away and I'm not likely to bump into him!

[emmie]

do it anyway, because if he text's you, it might be to profess undying love, lying once again, and you could be tempted to jump back in, my solid advice is to stop it in its tracks.

[sallyann16]

I've adapted quite amazingly. No longer waiting for texts that failed to satisy my need, and no longer having to endure daily calls of his endless moaning, is like taking off a pair of tight shoes.
Best of all, is the absence of those terrible emotions - frustrations, anxiety, jealousy, anger, bitterness.
And that's the best Christmas present of all.
Thank you to everyone who has helped and supported me over the past few weeks. The journey would've been far far harder without you xx

[grasscarp]

Sallyann. I went straight to your post as I feared you had weakened. Really really proud of you. Keep it up.

[boxtops]

Good for you, sallyann. Don't answer any more calls from him - he's probably gutted that you are proving strong and able to cope without him - but he has wife (platonic or not) and he'll no doubt miss you too after so many years. However, his missing you is no longer relevant - you can do so so much better than this, and you're no longer his puppet. Good for you - go, girl!

[sallyann16]

Thanks so much Grasscarp and Boxtop. Each milestone is - well, a real milestone. He would always text kisses when his football team scored a goal. They scored two this afternoon and I didn't hear a word. Little reminders like that do jolt, and it's good for me not to be complacent and say 'I'm cured, I'm cured!" It does take time. But I won't weaken and contact him. He doesn't know how strong I actually am, especially as I was sobbing down the phone to him barely 2 weeks ago. Thank you guys, you're such support.

[sallyann16]

I never had any intention of texting him again, but he rung me at work and said he can't cope with looking at his phone all the time for texts, and surely it's better to cut contact? This has upset me because I thought that is what we were doing? He then rings and says more things for me to dwell on, and we have to have yet another ending. Each ending isn't the ending at all, and each time I start to heal he checks that this is really the ending. Struggling tonight - not to regain his attention, but with my previous contentment that it was over now ebbing away and being knawed at.

[grasscarp]

Sallyann. You have been so strong so far. There is no point in slipping back into the sludge that was your relationship with this guy. He didnt want you for you. He wanted a sounding board, a safety net and his pleasure. You have been in the role of these things for so long you are not sure if you can step outside and rejoin the real world. I know that people suggested you change your phone number, but I dont think you will, so you have to handle the calls and texts. My mobile shows who is calling and if I dont want to speak to them I dont. Likewise whether you respond to texts is your prerogative. You have to find something else to concentrate on - new hobby, going out with friends whatever. You need to break the pattern. Only you can do it and one baby step at a time, and lots of rewards to yourself (a drink, a chocolate, whatever turns you on). Please go forward and not back x

[granny grump]

Staystrong sally - turn your phone off - the fact that he needs to keep texting shows that you are in a strong position- remember that feeling of contentment you had and hang on to it - you will feel good and the feeling will last - but it may be a little while coming - but it will come and you will revel in it.

[Bambiagain]

I'm butting in here at a late stage, but I had to say that you are getting good advice here, you are being strong, but he is still trying to manipulate you. Please, either change your phone number or set your phone to reject calls and texts from him. They upset you - understandably - and if you carry on anserwing him, he will carry on upsetting you. He had already proved that he will never leave his wife for you. Why should he have any part in your life? I know, I've been there. All the best.

[askyourgran]

Change your phone number. It's a game he's playing. You'll never be free unless you decide that it's the final call he'll ever make to you.

[sallyann16]

I can't change my phone number due to work. However, I am doing what you say and ignoring his texts and calls, and have set the phone so that it comes up with a 'Number blocked' message. I had a blip a few hour ago, hence my latest message, but have recovered some equilibrium now, and can look at the situation with strength again. I promise to keep you updated as you have all been so kind. The next few days are crucial xxx

[andy-hughes]

Congrtaulations sallyann - you are doing so well.

You are now experiencing the difficulties of any addicition, and that is what this relationship is - not him, but your responses to him are all Pavlovian, and he played on that the whole time.

Interesting how he reacts now that he is no longer in control - it may or may not be any comfort to you that he now feels how you felt - out of control, which is never a good way to be.

You can look forward to a much better future becausr this experience will arm you for future relationships and you will never again be the needy plaything of an abusive manipulative unpleasant man like this one.

Indepenende and security in a woman are powerful attractions for the right kind or man, and when you are ready, you will find one.