Pregnant - but don\\\'t know what to about in-laws!

[ariadne5]

My husband is estranged from his family, due to some serious incidents when he was 17. He tried to stand up to his family\\\'s psychological abuse, so they kicked him out and set out on a tirade of harassment. He tried to mend the relationship, but they just tried to make it impossible for him to live without them (we were threatened often, and attacked), so in the end he cut contact.

At the time, I heard that my MIL had depression, and cried all the time about ‘losing her son’, so she obviously felt something.. I’m not excusing what she did, but she hurt herself too.

I want to bring my child into a large, close family, and keep thinking ‘why can’t it be like that’? I want to go see my in-laws, to see if they’ve changed [they\\\'ve had no way to contact us for 10 yrs, if they did want to apologise, so surely it is right to give them a chance?].. BUT part of me says don\\\'t do it, as my MIL was such an awful person, and seemed to have mental problems, and alcohol problems, but refused to acknowledge them… however our last ‘contact’ with them was a letter saying that “if they admitted how they behaved, and got help for their problems, we would welcome them into our lives”, and we also explained how they had treated us when they were drunk – so maybe this was a reality break for them, (because they were in denial about their alcoholism).

I think it’s right to give them that chance now - what would you all do in my situation?

[sara3]

how did they respond to your letter? when was that?

[stonekicker]

haven't spoken to any of my in-laws for fourteen years and just celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary. much the same circumstances as you have described and i'd like to say its the most peace and quiet i have ever had! my child is now 16. i have never and will never expose him to the mental, vicious, chavvy bunch my hubby hails from. i'm not a snob, but they really have no place in my life, family or society in general. in fact, they are pond scum (and that's being cruel to stuff that lives in ponds!). in my experience, leopards don't change their spots and you are asking for a whole heap of trouble. for us, it meant three house moves (some considerable distance), cutting out other family members that just couldn't resist passing on adresses, phone no's etc and not engaging at all. don't know what to suggest to you as eberybody's experience is personal, but i will never speak to them or see them ever again - even if my hubby chose to. i wish you luck and caution you against exposing your child to the distress and violence you suffered (even if they are 'sober' now). good luck x

[sherrardk]

I would not go there - you have not spoken to them for such a long time it is not worth the outcome that things get worse (instead of better). Having a child is such a life changing event that you do not really need any other distractions. You need to be calm and happy when your baby arrives (not hostile and wound up). I have not spoken to my father for 21 years and have no intention of ever doing so. My husband totally undersands this and would never dream of suggesting that I did. Focus on this lovely, happy time of your life - don't dwell on the past, negative times.

[Prudentia]

move at least 100 miles away and leave no forwarding address!!!

[ariadne5]

STONEKICKER - Thank you for your reply, it's good to know someone else has been through similar. Could I ask what sort of behaviour your in-laws displayed? And how you dealt with it?

[brenda]

Forget them, move on , get on with your lives, live everyday and enjoy what you have . you have had a very lucky escape.

[sara3]

was there just the one reply then?

[ariadne5]

SARA3 - I'm very sorry if I offended you .. I read through all the answers, and appreciate all the people who have taken the time to comment. To answer your questions, they couldn't respond to the letter, as we sent it after we had finally managed to escape from them and move hundreds of miles away. It was 10 years ago.

[Whoever]

I would approach this issue very cautiously. Obviously your husband's feelings have to be taken very much into account and you don't say how he feels about this. I think your prime focus at the moment should be on your pregnancy which can be an emotional enough time anyway, without the complications of a family situation blowing up in the background as a possible added distraction. I understand your feeling about wanting harmonious family relations but if nothing has actually changed with them you risk blowing up the whole emotional damage again. You don't say whether you received a reply to the letter you sent them, and if so, what the response was. If you have had silence since then, I would take it that they have decided they can't or won't take the necessary actions to start healing the breach. How long ago was that?
Perhaps you should wait until you've had your baby and just send a short note with a photo announcing its arrival and see what happens. They know how you feel about the releationship and it's then up to them how they decide to respond. If they have changed their ways and the thought of having a grandchild they will never see proves an incentive, that might be the trigger for a slow healing.

[Nosha123]

I agree with stonekicker and have had similar experience with my Husbands scum bag family... Its been 5 years since I spoke with the MIL from hell and Husband hasnt spoken to her for 4 years.
Everyone situtaion is different.. but tread carefulyl and use your mind not your heart to make the decision - AND Husband too!
Dont just go all gooey over the new baby and wish that you could share the news with the family.... You could be opening a huge can of worms....

Tread with care..

[tamborine]

Let 'sleeping dogs lie' your children can make contact when able to defend themselves.

Have just discovered my hateful 'in/outlaws' have added me to their geneology, thru Friendreunited - am spitting nails and closed my profile!