My husband wont sleep with me

[wendy33]

Ive been married for a year on Friday, and although I know my husband loves me, hes never been big into sex. Last night I saw his lovely big stash of porn on his xbox. He obviously stays up at night watching his porn while Im waiting in bed for him. Im only 30, I work out in the gym regularly and I always make an effort to look nice. Obviously its not a physical problem if he can sort himself out, so why wont he sleep with me? Does anybody else think its unusual that a man would rather sort himself out than sleep with his wife? We havent had sex for about 2 months and we have no kids. If I try initiate it I either feel like its such an ordeal or it just doesnt happen. Hes gone to work and Ive sent him a text asking am I that repulsive that he would rather watch porn than sleep with his wife and whats wrong with me. I have no problem with the porn as such, its the fact that Im not getting any sex at all. Im really upset about this and dont know where to go next or what to do...

[LoftyLottie]

My opinion is that your opinion on this Sqad is 'daft', so please let me have my opinion!

[ummmm]

My partner could probably handle it if I lost my sex drive (to a certain extent) but he couldn't handle me denying him affection.

[LoftyLottie]

Dreadful to be deprived of affection ummmm and far more worrying than being deprived of sex.

[joeluke]

Yes but unfortunately cuddles and affection do not satisfy one sexually, which is what the question author is actually in need of

[ummmm]

Yes, but him being affectionate towards her is a positive point.

[LoftyLottie]

I do agree with you joeluke, but it is too simplistic to say that he doesn't fancy her or love her. Whilst, that may well be true there could be other complex reasons - men are known to not be able to perform for many reasons. It really does need sorting out and working out. If he doesn't love her or fancy her then she needs to move on. Because he watches porn does bot mean he prefers it to her - it's probably easier for him if he has a physiological problem.

[LoftyLottie]

Agree ummmm. To be honest, I would think it much more likely that if she was getting plenty of sex from him but he never cuddled her or showed her affection, that he didn't love her!! ;o)

[Sqad]

There is no evidence to suggest that he has a thyroid problem or is impotent or that there is ANY medical problem.

I find the word "love" oft used, but difficult to define.
He doesn't want to have sex with his wife after only one year of marriage.
Why would a man, keen on porn do this?
Many Psychological reasons, but what do you think is the commonest?

[LoftyLottie]

That's just it Sqad. We have no evidence of anything which is why we shouldn't give such hurtful answers. And your answer was cruel - much worse than having an opinion described as 'daft'!

I don't know what could be wrong and neither do you. That is all I am saying.

[joeluke]

But he obviously prefers porno images on a screen to the real thing waiting for him upstairs and that ain't normal

[ummmm]

Like I said at the beginning of this thread.... laziness. Sex, at least good sex, is an effort. You can't just climb on and satisfy yourself as you have your partner to think about. Going solo he can do it in a fraction of the time with the least amount of effort.

[LoftyLottie]

Perhaps the 'real thing upstairs' waiting for him is putting too much pressure on him. Porno doesn't do that! ;o)

[Sqad]

Lofty...the truth is very often "cruel" Surely you are not saying that "cruel" answers should not be given even if they may or may not be true?

[joeluke]

'Too much pressure' to do what LL? A normal thing like have regular sex with his wife? Come on, it's not rocket science is it?!!

[Robinia]

Well Wendy, being a practical Taurean (ahem) I'd hope you can get him to got to the doctor to get his thyroid problem re-assessed .
If that's not it then I wish you lots of luck with whatever's going on & I hope that somehow your honeymoon turns out to be all you hope for.

[LoftyLottie]

You don't know that it is a true answer though Sqad and even if it is true then there are ways of saying things more gently. Just glad I never had you as a doctor or consultant!! I would probably have topped myself!!

Joe, he might be feeling pressurised and the more they don't have sex the more likely they are not to have sex and it becomes an issue. They need some help to get them on track again if they still love each other and fancy each other. There are loads of couples that go through rocky times and still love each other. There might be lots of outside factors that are influencing this. We just don't know.

[LoftyLottie]

Will end by echoing Robinia's post. Hope things get sorted and you have a good honeymoon. Good luck.

[Sqad]

Lofty
///Just glad I never had you as a doctor or consultant!! I //

LOL

[andy-hughes]

I repeat my previous answer - a morning erection is not the result of a full bladder - otherwise any man needing to pe would have an erection - hardly practical, which is why nature does not design us that way.

A man wakes with an erection because of his REM sleep which stimulates arousal - which does not happen every morning.

A man wakes with a need to pee because any of the liquid he has ingested has been digested, and urine is ready to be disposed of - the who are mutually exclusive.

Like most men, I urinate on rising virtually every day - I do not wake with an erection every day - the two are not connected.

[beryl100able]

It seems like apart from sex, there are big communication problems if you address such an important issue on a text message to his workplace.
You love him and want him, so address the porn issue in a loving way, and let him know it upsets you without flying off the handle. Men go through phases like this, it doesn't necessarily mean your marriage has to end, and if you address this with all the love that right now you'd like to express with your body, then you'll end up closer than ever.