How to end a relationship??

[Drusilla]

I'm 35 years old and have never ended a relationship. The endings have always been mutual agreements or I've been jilted. However, my partner of five months has arranged Christmas festivities abroad without consultation with me and in the full knowledge I'd made arrangements for my daughters' and myself elsewhere. I've been sensing an emerging dominant streak for a while and I want to nip it in the bud and end things now.
Pathetic as it may seem, I need a good opening line that doesn't involve a saucepan to the back of the head.

[Lore]

lol Drusilla, put that saucepan down hun!! :oP

seriously tho, without adding to the problem, anyone who takes over and thinks it's ok to make arrangements without consultation isn't seeing the real meaning 'relationship'
Even when my bf arranged a romantic trip to paris he still gave me prior warning that he wanted to take me away and asked when would be a suitable time?!

However, what if he's had to make all the decisions in the past? what if this is second nature to him? maybe he doesn't realise what he's doing.

I think the questions you need to ask are....
Would you want to be with this person if he'd not made this mistake?
If you explained how you felt would he take it on board and then consult you with future plans?
If no to both then you know what you have to do.

I think a good place to start is to sit down together and simply explain to him that you can't go on this trip, tell him how he's made you feel by arranging this trip without running it by you first. once you've got past that I'm sure everything else will flow.

Good luck hunny x

[shehin]

I think it's best to come straight to the point -

"Darling, our time together has been fun but I believe that it's run its course. Sorry about the Christmas arrangements - could you find somebody else to join you?"

[MangoPete]

I am both gifted and cursed. I am a man. This is good as I can see the mans side but a curse as it is so difficult to understand womens rationale sometimes.
As a bloke I would tell your man that I was flattered that he would go to such lengths to arrange going away for a holiday and that it is a very romantic gesture. In other circumstances I would love to go but it just wont be possible this time as you have to put your family first.

I trust you made this as a proviso to the relationship in the first place. If not tell him that although you have had a wonderful time with him and feel lucky that someone would go to the lengths he has to arrange such a holiday, you can't go because you have realised that the most important people in your life are your girls and their happiness must come before your own.
Iguess it might be difficult to understand as a man if you are not caring for children yourself It is aweful being torn but I am a mother first and have to put my children before anyone else including myself.
Is this something he thinks he can handle?
Before answering I think we should both go away and think about what sort of relationship we want
I don't want you to be frustrated because I cannot put you first and it is only right that you understand that. What we have had is wonderful but a relationship has to either go forward or it stagnates or breaks up.
I want us to be in control of our lives and a relationship is a union of people working together. I have to consider you but you have the task of linking with my girls as well.
I understand this is difficult but becuase I value you it is best that we deal with this together now.
How that good/ bad please come back to me on it

[Drusilla]

This is going to be awkward. I tried to avoid detailing the nature of the relationship, but MangoPetes wonderful advice and the kindness of you all makes it necessary. My partner and I are both in the same position; mothers' of young children, and it's my first proper relationship in 'the sapphic style' . Her Christmas invite includes both sets of children and I accept I didn't make that clear enough.
Sadly, this information may affect the way you view the matter, but it also makes you aware that she should have more fully appreciated my position before arranging a week in a mountain retreat.
I accept I sound selfish and I apologise. Now, where's that saucepan???

[lindapinda]

Drusilla,a relationship problem,is a problem.It doesn't matter about the particular background!! I agree that you need to calmly discuss the arrangements,and get your point across.You won't really know the next step,until you see how that goes! Trust yourself to know after that,what your course will be then. Good luck!

[MangoPete]

Thanks for that, part one
but if a partner has kids too the situation indicates their dominance all the more.and i agree it is concerning
Maybe she is head over heals with you, this IS IT and has dreamed of this holiday since she met you. She wants to make this work more than anything
but your intuition is probably right
After 5 months do you feel that you are ready for your daughters to be subjected to her authoirty and dominance over yours?
I have been divorced for 9 years, I have 5 boys and gave up my career to look after them.
I met a woman who has 3 or her own 17,15 and 11 or her own and fosters up to three very difficult children in addition.
I was told it was almost impossible but that didn't stop us going for it. I love her dearly , but the stress on the children has been too much. We both want a relationship but really have little time for one
She cannot compromise her foster kids or her kids and I wont compromise my boys
There are difficulties with a one to one relationship if you have been through a few.
Then each person is going to have to have a relationship with each of the children yours and theirs.
Then all the kids will have to interact with each other.
it is a mine field.
Then if they get into an arguement one side blames the other. The dominant partner has a go at a child then the other partner steps in. it is almost doomed B4 you start.
However love lifts us up where we belong , all we need is love etc.

[MangoPete]

Part two
If you are feeling uneasy with this , Christmas is the time when there is the most domestic violence and the most stressful time of the year. Even if you are head over heels with your woman I would flinch at the idea of spending christmas of all times away in a foreign country with my partner and her kids and mine.
Yes it is romantic, how foolish of me to think a man would do that. it is great to play happy famillies and the perfect ideal all openning presents log fire etc.

Sorry I am too cynical to think it will work.
if she is the dominant type is she recueing you?
if you are with her in another country and the relationship breaks down you are in the sh1t with your kids.
I would thank her as I said but say she really must understand that people move at different speeds and you really feel that you cannot handle this level of commitiment at the moment with all the children.
All the people in the relationship including the kids need to be happy. Consider a weekend away at half term in Feb or Easter first.
You have to think of the children first and cannot risk the upset if everything went wrong because the relationship is too impoertant for that.
You must go at the same speed and if you are comited to the relatiosnship it is important to share and consider each others opinions and fears. If you are not going forward together you are going back. Your relationship is too importnant to sacrifice. More importantly your children are far too important to risk the possible damage
Hope this is useful to you
Take care and all the best
Peter

[stevie_c2it]

There's always the old classic 'It's not you.....it's me'

[Lore]

Drusilla, my thoughts still stand, you need to explain to her how you feel and are worried that her actions could have a damaging effect on your relationship.
The fact that she has children too helps the situation regarding your own plans, She too must understand the need to be with them.
you both need to share your expectations of how a relationship works.. again, she might just think that it's the done thing to take charge, depending on her background.
Give it some more thought hunny, make sure you tell her how you feel and if she's prepared to listen, take it on board and work at it then all's well!

I left a 15 yr relationship, even tho it didn't work out in the end a lot of it seemed acceptable until I realised I wasn't being true to myself and wasn't being treated shall we say equally! I had to move on I knew what I wanted out of a relationship so here I am, I've fallen in love with someone 7 years younger than myself. I worried at first if I was too old for him but the thing is I want to be with him and vice versa. we've worked hard so far to find the right balance and we're still learning.

xxx

[Gnisy]

Hi Dusilla, here's my two cents although you have had great help so far.

Being in a relationship is purely about being comfortable in your skin with your partner. If you are not, I'd suggest getting out of there quick before responsibilities necessitate you sticking around for a longer time.

In short, when you're in a relationship, if you feel happy now you will feel happy ten to twenty years from now. If you don't, the same rule applies.

Be frank. Get straight to the point. Don't wander off or beat around the bush and tell her that this is not how you want to spend your christmas. I think it would hurt her feelings more if you don't tell her and she finds out from somewhere else later.

Best wishes.

[Jay70]

Blimey - all too complicated for me - I'd just stick with the saucepan idea. I wish you all the best whatever you do x

[Drusilla]

Thanks Jay, for helping me laugh about it all. I appreciate that and I'm still giggling as I write.

[twopennorth]

How about:

I've been sensing an emerging dominant streak for a while....

Sounds pretty good to me.

Or something stating how you find it unnacceptable that he has made Christmas arrangements without asking you, knowing they do not fit in with yours.

If you want to get rid of him, that's your choice, there's no need to be apologetic. He sounds quite selfish and arrogant, so why feel sorry for telling him so?