The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 9

mrs_overall | 09:11 Wed 04th Jul 2012 | ChatterBank

55 Answers

In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Mount Etna, Italy) the villagers were gathered outside the shop cum post office where a near hysterical Humbersloop was shouting "Somebody help her."
A ladder was on the ground, blown over in the strong wind and the lower half of a body was dangling from a first floor window. The upper half of the body had become trapped inside the building by a rotten sash window.
"It's that Chinadoll, breaking into your living quarters" said Kikifrog to Craft. "Shall I call the Police?"
"No" said Craft a bit too quickly, guiltily thinking of the sudden disappearance of Mr Craft number 7, "I'm sure we can sort this. I'll go inside if someone can go up the ladder."
""Me and Marval will come with you" said Vodkancoke.
"Right" said Humbersloop "who is going up the ladder?" The silence was deafening. Humbersloop pointed to Tonyav. "You're used to ladders, up you go." The ladder was righted and Tonyav winced as his broken toe hit each rung. Still wearing one of his mothers old skirts, Tonyav was unaware the wind was blowing it around his head. Miss JJ, the village spinster swooned and fell to the ground in a dead faint. "This is an abomination" boomed the Reverend Venator "come down at once."
Inside the building, the three women came face to face with Chinadoll. Arming herself with a post office date stamp, Craft waved it in a threatening manner and said "Let's be having the truth. You are not our Chardonnay, and you can stay there until we know what's going on."
With a sob, China explained. "I was having fish & chips one night and they were wrapped in a newspaper, The AB News. I read about you being a lottery winner, did some research on you and decided to pull a con trick." Craft snorted with laughter. There is never any real news in the paper and the AB Editor clutches at straws. I only won a tenner you daft mare."
Outside, the men of the village were arguing over who should go up the ladder. Excelsior backed away, muttering that he had an urgent quiz to set,and Dr Sqad who had been called to see to Ms JJ, suddenly remembered he was late for a meeting with his favourite organisation, NHS Direct. Rowanwitch cast a meaningful glance at her handyman MickTalbot, handed him a jar from the depths of her cape and said
"I can't be doing with all this commotion, see if you can free her using this potion." Mick climbed the ladder cautiously, liberally smeared Chinadoll with the contents of the jar and pulled her free. The ladder wobbled precariously then fell over. Fortunately both Mick and China landed on the amply rounded Tonyav who sustained a cricked neck and some interesting bruising. "Blimey, that magic potion must be good" said a voice from the crowd. Rowan intoned "Freeing her wasn't hard and in the jar was only lard."
Just then there was a noise like a goat farting and SunnyDave came into view, riding his new wheels. Well, new to him. He was riding a black sit up and beg bike complete with wicker basket, circa 1940, to which he had attached a sewing machine engine. He narrowly avoided being hit by a car coming in the opposite direction. The car screeched to a halt and out jumped two irate women. The villagers stared agog. The women wore matching peroxide beehives, matching white stilletos, what seemed to be the entire contents of the Argos jewellery collection and makeup that had been applied with several trowels. "Ere, you, wotchit you plonker" screeched one of the women at SunnyDave. Turning to the crowd the same woman said "My name is Mrs Towie and this 'ere lady is Mrs Dee-sa. We have bought the empty shop on the high street and will be opening very soon. Please to meetcha all."
"Is it going to be an off licence?" asked Alba the village alcoholic in a hopeful slur.
"Nah, it's somefink much better than that"

(cue theme music as episode ends)