So don't fit into my family

[888sally888]

My dad died 8 years ago and we were really close and very alike. The more years pass, the more I realise I have nothing in common with my mother or sister and I find it so hard.

Does anyne esle feel like this?

[Smowball]

Exactly the same as Rowan - mine is far too complicated to discuss on here but its only since my mum died that my sister and I started talking. We live hours and hours apart but now text every day. So there is some hope.

[mccfluff]

yep i don;t really have much in common with my brother. it doens;t bother me. i see him when i go to visit and that's it

[888sally888]

My mum is very upset that me and my my sister dont talk anymore - even as kids I couldnt stand her to be honest. She was a bully.

There is no way I can apologise for nothing and be false that all is ok - I just dont see any change ever.

[rowanwitch]

we were about the same age when it dawned on us the problem was mum playing us off against one another

[888sally888]

Rowan - I think thats part of it but more the fact that she does nothing to help out - it all falls onto me although after an honest e mail from me and a heated phone discussion, she has been better.

I just so dread things like Christmas when I am expected to spend it with them and be all jolly. I am a very straightforward person and hate all the fakeness.

[rowanwitch]

Then opt out... find something else to do even if it is stay in bed with a bad cold...

Put your needs first for a change it works

[Smowball]

never has a truer word been said than "you can choose your friends but not your family". Just because you are related to them doesnt mean you like them, like their personalities etc.

[888sally888]

lol - I like your style! I am lucky - I have a fab boyfriend, 2 daughter and 2 stepdaughters - oh and a gorgeous dog! Would be more than happy to spend it with them but the tears and emotional sh!t from Mum would make it impossible.

[mccfluff]

i refuse to go anywhere near my family at xmas, luckily i don't live near and i just spend it doing what i want

which is usually ab bugger all, just lounging about and watching tv

[Smowball]

I will choose my words as my mum has passed away. We did get very close in the last 6 months but before that she would play me and my sibling off against each other for years. Tell them I hadnt called her or visited her, and then say same to me about them! The list is endless. To this day I dont speak to my brother, unless we meet at family occasions. It just doesnt work.

[mccfluff]

if you give into the emotional Sugar, your mum knows it works and will keep on.

stand firm, tell her you are sorry but you are spending the xmas with your bf. maybe arrange a night to go out for a meal with her before or something, but stand up to it. it might be hard to do, but once you do it, they realise they can;t manipulate you

[888sally888]

Thank you all so much for your answers. I am sure she does play us off against eachother - she even did when we were kids. I remember so well her telling me 'your sister has so many more friends than you' etc. She was a very pushy mum and I was scared of going home if I hadnt done well at school. Thats why I was so close to my dad as he thought I was great. SO miss him :(

I really do need to man up - you're all so right!