Soul at Work

[Pajama Girl]

My sister-in-law is very religious. VERY religious. I am the only person in the immediate family who is respectful of her "religiousity" because I have a deep faith. But she has sent me a series of emails in the last week that have left me angry. She is all upset that all her siblings have "fallen away" and their immoral souls are at risk. She doesn't want me to tell my husband that she is so upset at him (for taking the Eucharist when he was in 'an unworthy state'). She's quoting scripture, she says that she is praying to the Holy Spirit so that she will express herself correctly, she wants only what God wants.

I am so angry that I can barely think straight. Why? Why am I so angry? Why does this insult me so deeply?

[jno]

It may be that your response is not really about religion at all: you're angry because someone has criticised you and those you love, on the basis of what seems a rather narrow view of life. If I were you I'd tell her so, as politely and lovingly as possible. Don't get into actual arguments over religion with her, though, it's always a waste of time. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

Try to overcome your own anger (you presumably want to, since you posted this question.) Remember the Bible's teaching: to love one another, to turn the other cheek. Faith is not a stick to beat others with, as your s-i-l seems to be trying to do. Continue to respect her beliefs, but remind yourself that your own are held deeply enough not to be disturbed by the rants of others, even others who are close to you. Tell your husband about it if you wish - not to set him against her, but because as your husband he will want to help you.

[jno]

sorry - crossed posts with IAP there - I agree with all he says.

[gen2]

Excellent answer IAP, Congratulations on your caring approach. Too often religious fanatics try to convert others to their own version of the faith. I strongly agree that everyone can find their own path - there does not have to be a one and only route.

Personally, I am not evangelical, I do not try to convert. My philosophy is to inform and then let the individual decide - no compulsion or pressure brought to bear.

[Englishbird]

It's difficult for me to answer this question, but I thought I would try, simply to put forward a different perspective. I mean it with no disrespect to anyones religion whatsoever.

To me, a non religious person, your Sister in Law sounds slightly unhinged. Is she going through a bad time at the moment? is she lonely, sad, or has anything happened to her recently that she would want to get away from. It may be easier for her to focus on other peoples lives than on her own especially if she has low self esteem or is not feeling in control of her own life. Something that I believe also draws in people to radical or fanatical religion.

I wouldn't have a clue how you go about suggesting to someone that they may need some psychological help not connected to their religion.

Failing that, can you quote things back to her regarding tolerance and love of family being more important. Although this does risk you being dragged in even further.

Try not to take her comments to heart, I get the feeling that this is a woman with problems, and that she is using her religion to hide behind.

[lady_p_gold]

Her attitude is hardly caring I would have thought, and any religion that would make you want to impose your views in such a manner would not be one I would be interested in. The fact is, is she taking on board or even listening or being interested in your views at all ? Like the previous post I think she sounds as if she is slightly unbalanced and I would explain to her that while you support her and respect her views, that you do not wish to discuss the subject of religion any further. It is strange that so many in the world who make out they are 'religious' end up causing misery to millions.

[joko]

politely tell her you would prefer that she didn't email you again as your loyalties must lie, first and foremost with your brother - your flesh and blood, and you don't feel comfortable discussing these sorts of thing behind his back. It sounds like they have had rows about this that got her nowhere and now she has turned to you as another link, a backup, she is hoping to get you on side and join her against him - thats why she doesn't want you to tell him - that is very underhanded.

suggest that if she is angry at him, she should confront him, not you.

be polite etc but be firm. As Englishbird said, people who are overzealous with their religion are often slightly unhinged and that can be dangerous - particularly within a family - so just be firm and say you don't want to get involved.

be honest too - that you don't agree and that people are entitled to live their lives as they wish and there is nothing she can do about it.

why not approach your local vicar/priest/whatever and ask them to talk to her - perhaps calm her down and counsel her about what is clearly disturbing her. (as long as they are not over zealous too!)

[Pajama Girl]

Thank you so much. All of your answers have been tremendously helpful to me and have cleared my mind to handle this touchy situation. Thank you. Without your help I believe that I would have held this anger too long and said something I would have regretted. With your help I am ready now to talk with her.