Jealousy?

[Scarlett]

When I was 18 and at uni I had a special male friend who would come and visit me in my room- we'd talk philosophy through the night. I was very flattered by this and hoped it might become more than platonic over time. Then one day my friend Gill stopped by as my male friend was visiting. I sat and watched her flirt and giggle and preen and flatter him. The next day they were going out, I lost him as a friend and that was that. 30 years on I have a special male friend who I do everything with- hope it might become something more; and my lodger is now doing the same thing- giggling, flirting, being tactile. I want to punch her. He, of course, loves the attention and probably fancies her a lot more than he does me. I am not proud of the jealousy I feel. Any thoughts on what I should do?

[ummmm]

Is there someone that would tell him?

[Scarlett]

Yes ummmm I have mentioned it to my best friend who knows him (and the situation) but she lives quite far away and so would have to do it virtually which is not the best thing. I set her up with her husband, so she owes me!!

[kvalidir]

As an alternative I reckon if he's open to the idea if you started off by suggesting things which could be done either romantically or platonically, like 'we should have lunch one day, it'd be nice to do something outside of this project' -so you don't feel self conscious if he says no. If he says 'yes' you then have opened up his chances of taking the next step.

[anneasquith]

it's not so much I want to have sex with him '' I don't see any problem then, he is a male friend.

[ummmm]

People get together without having sex but know that sex will happen in the near future.

She's in love with him. She doesn't want him to fall in love with someone else.

[B00]

All your dithering is gonna come to nowt if you don't sort out your lodger first. If you're interested in him, tell her, surely she'd then back off leaving the field open (so to speak!) for you.

Then stop dithering- and ask him:P

If it goes Pete Tong- get cats :-)

[Scarlett]

I'll rephrase that- I DO want to (!) but I don't want to just jump on him. Things are more kind of subtle than that!

[Scarlett]

Thanks ummmm- you get me! Boo, you're right. But the lodger clearly knows he stays over all the time, in my room, so why would she behave like a flirty idiot. It's not nice. I wouldn't behave like that.

[mccfluff]

tell her - she might not know shes flirting & annoying you

[B00]

plus she might not know you like him either

[anneasquith]

she may know you both sleep fully dressed !

[Scarlett]

I don't know how she would know what we wear!

[ummmm]

I sleep clothed so that means nothing.

[237SJ]

What`s his history re past relationships? Could he be a commitment phobe? After all, he`s got sex elsewhere without any commitment, he`s got a bed for the night so that he doesn`t have to drive, he`s got food being cooked for him and a platonic relationship without any commitment. Has he always lived like that?

[Scarlett]

He had two serious relationships which lasted a couple of years. Then he got the 'no strings' arrangement with the girl who clearly adores him but he doesn't feel the same way. I'm fairly sure he's had sex with other people in the last three years - but probably only one or two. He knows I'm far more old fashioned than he is, and would only be with one person at a time.

[tamborine]

a stolen apple is sweeter than a bought one :)

If you dont bed him, she will. No friends in love or war.....dont forget to tell us how this pans out......work calls, ta rah

[jno]

I wouldn't behave like that.

well, that's the problem.

You behave differently, and you've seen in the past how that can end. It really is up to you to decide if you want to behave in a way that attracts this guy.

Having seen your more recent posts I'm inclined to go along with B00: he's got a friend, he's got a lover, and he's got work. It sounds as if it would take a lot to persuade him to change course, and given that you're (understandably) reluctant to become a different person in order to make it happen - I think you'd better resign yourself to it staying the same.

If you really do want things to change, you already know how. But I think you're sort of hoping HE will change; and I don't think he will.

[whirlyhurly]

He's a player, and is "having his cake and eating it" (elsewhere). I believe that there are 2 types of people, those who love and those who are loved.

[ummmm]

I don't agree. He'd only be a player if he knew how Scarlett feels and uses it to his advantage.

There is nothing wrong with the friends with benefits arrangement as long as you're honest.

[Scarlett]

Yes, also I am witnessing the way he is treating the no strings girl and it's not nice. If he can treat her in that way then he can (potentially) treat me the same way.