men and pornography

[liquidspace]

Am I wrong for not wanting my bf to view pornography? Its got so bad that I cant go to bed without him in case he does so behind my back and I worry when I am at work and he has a day off at home. p.s. I do not withhold sex from him in fact, he doesnt want it as much as me - yet he seems to prefer his right hand. He knows how strongly I feel about it but still does it.

[PinkFizz]

When you say pornography,do you mean that he is reading dirty mags all the time or watching films??

[crete]

he sounds a wee gem !

[redcrx]

Of course youre not wrong for not wanting him to do it. Men watching porn doesnt usually mean that they are lacking anything in their sexual relationships, its just an extra to some.
You really need to sit down and discuss this with him. Make him listen to your feelings but also listen to why he feels the need for porn.

[teag1rl]

Hi liquidspace
If you're not getting enough then I would say no, you're not wrong. If however you're a bit prudish about it and find porn disgusting and offensive then I would say it's you creating the problem, not him. I hope I haven't caused you offence, it's just my opinion x

[divegirl]

Men see porn differently from us. Women can see it as a personal insult when their man is looking at porn, they just see it as an 'extra release'. As long as he's not looking at anything too explicit, try not to worry too much, he'll soon get bored and realise he prefers the real thing!!!

[Supernick]

Anything that causes arguments in a relationship is a problem, and so you need to talk about it properly, but perhaps you need to think about whether you're over-reacting or not. How much is he doing it? How do you know?
If he was spending 2 hours a night trawling the internet at the expense of your company then that's obviously out of order. If you've gone to work for the day and he decides that he wants to please himself, then that's entirely natural.
Men will always fantasize and masturbate when in a relationship or not, and it's not a slight on yourself.

[Nemesis9]

Part 1

Forgive me if I sound a little �world weary� and jaded today, (and my apologies to redcrx in advance for quoting your answer) but men are from Mars, and women from Venus. So it is, so it was, and so it ever shall be.

I quote �You really need to sit down and discuss this with him. Make him listen to your feelings but also listen to why he feels the�.� blah, blah, blah.
There isn�t a man alive who doesn�t tremble and shudder upon hearing these words, and realising he is going to be forced into talking about his�.�feelings�!

[Nemesis9]

Part 2

Couple this with demanding an explanation as to why he feels the need to look at porn, and you�ve got a fella who would prefer to chew his own arms off before joining you on the �couch�.
We do, we like it, we aren�t going to change, and it doesn�t mean we love you any less. There I said it, and hopefully spared your bloke half an hour of red faced squirming.

[newtron]

I wouldn't worry about it as long as you are satisfied with your sex life. Are you jealous? You should try watching it with him. You might like it!

[Spinchimp.]

My husband ray looks at it all the time, keeps him out of trouble with the law though.

[redcrx]

Nemesis,
Thank you for quoting me. I said that LS should talk to her bf about it as a means to sorting it out, not to make his life awkward. Asking us ABers what we think about him watching porn really wont help matters. I personally wouldnt be too bothered if my bf did as long as it didnt affect our relationship. But if we all tell LS that it doesnt matter Im sure she would still be anxious and refusing to leave her bf on his own, thus putting pressure on the relationship in another way.

[jno]

I'm with teag1rl: are you concerned because he's withholding sex, or because you don't like porn? If it's the latter, you'll need to proceed on the basis that you have different interests but you can still manage to meet on common ground. But if you think he prefers porn to you, then yes, you need to sort it out with him, and never mind what Nemesis says - he may very well be embarrassed, but you have a right to know where you stand.

[liquidspace]

Thnx for all answers. I feel like this because I dont think he shows enough interest in me or wants to have sex with me enough, he shuns my advances generally, the only time I know he wants sex is when he lays on his back in bed and lifts his arm nearest to me - that's my signal to come in and start caressing him (!) I am not a prude and we do talk a lot, he knows how I feel but wont stop doing this to save my feelings. Im just wondering whether I expect too much from him expecting him to stop doing this for me. I just really struggle with him pleasing himself but not really giving enough to me. If I ask him if he has masturbated he is always honest and tells me and then it usually results in an argument while I struggle with my feelings.

[newtron]

Sorry to repeat myself, but I was serious that you should try watching it with him. My wife and I occasionally watch porn together, and when we do, we have sex like we were teenagers (4 or 5 times in one night)! It appears that it is affecting your relationship. You've tried talking about it, and that doesn't seem to be working. So maybe by watching it with him, you can begin to understand why he likes it so much. Just a suggestion. Good luck.

[jno]

if you're unsatisfied with your sexual relationship, that does sound like a problem. Yes, there are indeed men who prefer books/films to real people, and no, they don't invariably get bored with it. This may require some therapy, or at least a good deal of self-analysis on his part, which will work only if he himself feels the need to change. Evidently you being upset isn't a good enough reason for him to do so.

It's worth repeating that masturbation is normal, more so for men, and it will often involve porn of some sort. But preferring it to contact with a human suggests something is wrong. I don't think your worry is unreasonable.

[teag1rl]

Then you are right, right, right liquidspace. I'd be in a huff if I was you too. Would roleplay interest him? It's not fair that you have to make first move all the time!!

[liquidspace]

Thanks ;o)
btw I have watched with him before but its always a case of he masturbates and I do and we dont meet in the middle! Not exactly what Im after!

[newtron]

That's too bad liquidspace. It does sound like he has some issues that he needs to work on. I hope everything works out.

[liquidspace]

Do people think I should change my attitude towards what he does rather than try to change his behaviour? I just want him to stop for the sake of my sanity but I cant see that happening.

[Supernick]

How often is he doing it? It really makes a difference if this is something he does once a month, or if he lays in bed every night flicking through them.