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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, 'Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny
what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
'I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn
train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'
On Christmas morning, little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'What did Santa bring you this year?'
Johnny replied, 'I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b1tch!'
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out,'Miss Jones, I need to have a p1ss!'
Miss Jones replied, 'Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and
I will allow you to go.'
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger t1ts, you'd be a 10.'
Carlos calls his boss one morning
"Hey boss, I not coming into work today - I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt - I no come in".
Boss says,
"But Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like that I get my wife to give me a bl0wj0b. It makes me feel so much better & I can go to work. You should try it".
2 hrs later Carlos calls in,
"Boss I do what you say & I feel great. I be at work soon. And by the way, you have lovely house".
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming in the sea?
Bob.
Oooooooooooh - I justed f**ted so hard it took the wind right out of me!
Not a joke - but it got the biggest laugh ever. I was visiting my sister in Scotland just after New Year and we were in a butchers in St Andrews. There were a lot of pheasants/grouse etc hanging up in full plumage. While we were in the queue, I pointed out the difference between the hens and the male birds and that despite generally being the smaller of the two, there were some good-sized hen grouse hanging up. So I said to her "Ask the butcher if he's got a nice big **** for you". You had to be there.
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire."Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?""Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol'wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!""You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!""Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day,and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape."Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duct tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!""You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again,and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick."Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?""Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.""Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
"Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later,Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars.""What does that tell you?"Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the timeis approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tellyou?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you ********. Someone has stolen our tent."
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with himand his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, butdid not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?""I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Now this is one which does not work with different characters.
A European aid worker has been living for years in a very remote African village. He has his own hut, and gets on well with the people, and his scientific training often allows him to give good advice. He's particular friends with the chief.
One day, a village woman has a pink baby, and attention immediately turns to the European. The chief comes to his hut and confronts him.
"What have you been doing, my friend?" he says, "the people are very angry at the shame of this woman -- what am I going to tell them?"
"Well, Chief", says the man, "this is what we call an albino baby. It is very rare, but it is something which can happen quite naturally from parents of any skin colour".
The chief is not convinced. "How can this be?" he demands.
"Well, you see your fine flock of sheep over there?" says the man. "Look -- amongst the many white sheep is one black lamb. This is just another of nature's accidents".
"OK," says the chief, "I'll forget about the baby if you don't tell anyone about the sheep!"
congrats to you all on a fine thread. heres my contribution...
a blonde takes her nice new car out for a ride when some idiot smashes into the passenger door leaving a nice big ding. PANELGUY:well i could fix this but you could do it yourself just as easily
BLONDE: really, im no expert.....
PANELGUY: oh yes, just go home and blow really hard into the exhaust, the dent will pop out in on time
so the blonde drives home, gets down on her knees and starts blowing into the exhaust when her friend walks past
FRIEND:
bug*er. contd...
friend:wtf do ya think your doin?
BLONDE: the panelguy said this would get rid of that dent
FRIEND: oh ok, is it workin?
BLONDE: nar no luck yet.. dont know whats going wrong
friend thinks for a while and has a quick look around the car
FRIEND: ugh silly, you forgot to wind the windows up!
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