Keep Cardboard Happy Campaign

[natalie_1982]

What's everyone's favourit joke?

[georgit79]

  There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning out the light.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"

 The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[ICEMANSAV]

One morning a man tells a co-worker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisor�s office, and declares she�s filing a sexual harassment suit.

�Come on,� says the supervisor. �What�s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice?�

�He�s a f*****g midget!�

[georgit79]

cardboard, no! no no no. but i'm not going to report you because then the entire thread will be removed, and we can't have that!

[ICEMANSAV]

One day the invisible man is walking down the road and he bumps into wonder woman. They get chatting and soon the talk turns to sex. With burning in her loins wonder woman picks up the invisible man and takes him to a deserted field. She promptly takes off her clothes and lies on her back, the invisible man gets down to business. Mean while superman is flying about saving people when he happens to spot a naked wonder woman on her back writhing in pleasure. He swoops down towards them.

Wonder woman " did you hear anything?"

Invisible man " No but I have a sore ass!"

Oh they are drying up now!

[NoGood Boyo]

I don't have one but my mother's is: If you have a bag of jelly-babies, how can you tell which babies are illegitimate and which ones are not? A: turn the bag upside-down, and the b*st*rds all fall out.

[ICEMANSAV]

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, �Don�t do that. Come running with me. It�s much more fun!� The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. �Come running with us, elephant,� says the rabbit. �You�ll feel so good!� The elephant decides to join in the fun. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, �Lion, what are you doing? He�s trying to help us!� The lion answers, �The f****r makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Speed!�

[ICEMANSAV]

 


This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box for a house. He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So the man asked the centipede in the box, �Would you like to go to Frank�s with me and have a beer?� But there was no answer from his new pet. The man waited a few minutes and, desperate for a response, he asked the centipede again, �How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?� But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more.

The man decided to ask the centipede one more time, this time pressing his face against the centipede�s house and shouting, �Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank�s place and have a drink with me?�

Finally, came a little voice from inside the box, �I heard you the first time! I�m putting on my f******g shoes 
 

[New Forester]

If we're onto tasteless ones...  This one starts like Iceman's centipede one, but this time the pet shop keeper says he has a very special animal just in.  It's expensive, but he thinks it's worth it -- it's a toothless ferret.

He explains that this ferret has a very special skill, and before the man can say anything, the pet shop owner pops it down the front of the man's trousers.  The man's eyes glaze over as he gets a certain very personal service from the ferret.  Once he's recovered, he says "I see what you mean -- worth every penny -- put it in a box and I'll take it!"

 

He goes home, and his wife is in the kitchen.  He kicks open the door, shoves the box at her and says "teach that to cook, then f**k off!"

[New Forester]

One night this man had to drive for many miles through the rain and dark.  He stops for a meal on the motorway, then drives on, soon turning off onto deserted country roads.

 

However, about an hour later he realises the meat pie he'd had at the services was off, and he's getting quite serious food poisoning.  He tries to keep going, but he realises that he's soon going to have an unfortunate incident in his trousers, and he really has to find somewhere with a bog very soon indeed.

 

A couple more miles go by with just blackness, but then he sees a faint light by the side of the road.  He pulls up, by now quite desperate, and also beginning to feel very sick as well as loose in the bowel department.  He bangs frantically on the door of the tiny cottage.

 

After what seems like hours the door creaks open, and  a very old man stands there, holding a candle.  He realises that the cottage is even more remote than he'd thought, without electricity.

 

"Can I come in and use your toilet?" he asks desperately.  The old man says he can use it, but that the bog is not in the house.  Putting on his wellies and coat, the old man lights a lantern and leads the way down the garden.  There at the bottom is a ramshackle shed.  The old man hangs the lamp on a hook inside the door and leaves our chap to it.

cont...

[New Forester]

...cont

 

He pushes the door open, and is almost knocked over by the stench.  Inside is the most disgusting sight he's ever seen -- there's simply a plank suspended over the most enormous pile of sh*t, all wriggling with maggots.  It must have taken years to build up.  Choking down his urge to vomit, he realises that his gut is really giving him no choice, and he must just get on with the job as quick as he can.  He whips off his kecks and sits on the plank with relief.  However, this soon turns to horror, as the plank bends with his weight and his b*m actually touches the slimy heap!

 

His poor stomach can't take any more, and he spews up the meat pie.  And then... Well, you know how a syphon works?

[rod]

A man was getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rang, After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gave up, quickly wrapping herself in her towel and running downstairs.

Whenshe opened the door, there stood Tom, the next door neigbour.

Before she could say a word, Tom said. "I`ll give you �500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman dropped her towel and stood naked in front of Tom.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wrapped the towel around herself and went back upstairs. When she reached the bathroom, her husband asked her," who was that?"

"It was Tom the next door neigbour," she replied.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the �500 he owes me?"        

[New Forester]

That was my most disgusting joke.  This is my favourite:

 

"Waiter, what's your thumb doing in my soup?!"

 

"It's alright sir, it's not hot!"

[New Forester]

Which reminds me of a traditional method for castrating pigs.  It involves bashing the offending items between two bricks.

 

Doesn't it hurt..?

 

Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way!

[rod]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road." 

[beale]

A man walks into a butchers and says "I bet you 500 quid you can't reach the meat on that top shelf."

"No mate" says the butcher "the steaks are too high."

 

That's a personal favourite.