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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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a bloke walks into the bedroom to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed "ive just been for my annual check up and the doctor says i may be 45 but i have the breasts of an 18 year old" says the wife -
the husband replies "and what did he say about your 45 year old arse?"
"oh he never mentioned you dear "!!
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers.
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
(The butchers joke is a nonsense one, just like the duck one. They aren't meant to be understood, just laughed at.)
A guy joins the foreign legion and is shown around by the captain."Thats where we eat, thats where we sleep and thats where we exercise" he says pointing to each area. As they pass the courtyard the guy spots a mangy old camel. "whats the camel for" "well" says the captain"we are 10 miles from the nearest town, all men together, sometimes we get urges-thats when we use the camel." A week later the captain hears laughing from the courtyard and runs out to see the troops laughing and pointing. He parts the crowd and sees the new guy up a ladder sh@**ing the camel "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
A
A guy joins the foreign legion and is shown around by the captain."Thats where we eat, thats where we sleep and thats where we exercise" he says pointing to each area. As they pass the courtyard the guy spots a mangy old camel. "whats the camel for" "well" says the captain"we are 10 miles from the nearest town, all men together, sometimes we get urges-thats when we use the camel." A week later the captain hears laughing from the courtyard and runs out to see the troops laughing and pointing. He parts the crowd and sees the new guy up a ladder sh@**ing the camel "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
A
HE
Paddy is on holiday at Bondi beach, he takes a walk along the sands in his bright, baggy bermuda shorts and is horrified to notice everyone pointing and laughing at him.
He approaches the coast-gaurd and asks why.
The coast-gaurd explained "This is Bondi beach Paddy, go and get yourself a nice pair of speedo's a few sizes too small, then you will fit in with the crowd". - " oh- and if you really want to impress, shove a potato down them !".
The following day, an improved feeling Paddy is waltzing down the beach with his head held high, he suddenly noticed all the other bathers pointing and giving him disgusted looks.
He raced to the coast-gaurd very annoyed to ask what was the problem.
"Paddy" he chuckled, "The potato is supposed to go down the front !".
An elderly man and his son go to look around a nursing home as the old man has become rather frail. They are shown around by the Matron, who shows then the beautiful on suite rooms, the fully equipped music room and the hobby room etc. They are both very impressed, but the old man begins to get tired and Matron suggests he goes to sit in the conservatory whilst she continues to show the son around. He is sitting in there admiring the view of the garden when he starts to lean over to the left, a most attractive young care assistant comes over and moves him back to a comfortable sitting position in his chair. He then slowly begins to lean further and further towards the right. The same beautiful care assistant comes over and lifts him back so he is sitting upright and pops cushions on either side to prevent him leaning. Meanwhile his son comes back to him and finds the old man is crying. The son says "Oh Dad this is a wonderful place, by far the best of the nursing homes we've looked at. Don't you like it? Why are you crying? The old man sniffles and says "It's a beautiful place and the staff are lovely, but they won't let me faRt".
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts �Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.�
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, �Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?� and the guy says, �I�m green with envy.� The host replies, �Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.�
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, �Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?� And she replies, �I�m tickled pink.� The host says, �I love it, come on in and join the party.�
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, �What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?� The first guy replies, �Well, I�m f*****g disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair.�
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