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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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Of variable quality, I know:
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug (as Crafty said). But...
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
A man with a rabbit up his bottom? Warren.
A man attacked by a lion? Claud.
A woman tied to a marina pontoon? Maud.
A man with a plank on his head? Edward.
A man with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it's really got to want to change.
How many touchy feminists? One, and I can do it myself!
How many very dim people? Five -- one to hold the bulb and four to turn the room.
How many muscle-bound posers? None, because hey, they're not afraid of the dark.
How many new-agers? 50 -- one to change the bulb, and 49 to share the experience.
How many yuppies? Three -- one to notice the bulb's gone, one to pour the drinks and one to phone the electrician.
How many Microsoft software engineers? None -- Microsoft will simply redefine darkness as the normal state.
Sorry, all I can think of at the moment...
-- answer removed --
2 dwarfs are desperate for sex and decide that to end their wait they will go and get a couple of hookers. They go in the brothel and select a woman each and head to their respective rooms.
The first dwarf starts to make love to the hooker but ejaculates after a minute. He lies back quite upset and he can hear gasping and groaning from the other room " one, two, three uuuppp , one , two, three uuuppp!. This carries on for half an hour and then stops.
Both Dwarfs come out of their rooms and the first dwarf says "that was awful I only lasted a minute!"
The second dwarf says " thats nothing, i couldn't get on the f*****g bed!!"
Ugh, Iceman! Not nearly as bad as Jenky's though.
But it reminds me: what's grey and comes in pints...?
More elephant ones:
We've had the yellow soles, but similarly, why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees without being seen.
How does an elephant get up an oak tree? Sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
How does it get down again? Sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.
How do you tell when there's an elephant in your fridge? The door won't shut.
How do you tell if there's been an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter.
How do you get two elephants in a mini? One in the front, one in the back.
How do you get two whales in a mini? Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Why do elephants wear boots with corrugated soles? To give the ants a fair chance.
How do boy elephants find girl elephants in the tall elephant grass? Delightful!
Sorry about this -- I can't seem to think of any which I've heard since I was about eleven...
Here is an old one about Prince Charles's habit of wearing silly hats at the slightest provocation. One day the Queen says to him: "Ai saw you on the telly today -- what was that awful orange fur thing on your head?"
Charles replies "But Mumsy, you told me to wear it!".
"Ai did no such thing!"
"Yes you did -- I said I was going to open a school in Sheffield and you said, 'Wear the fox hat!' ."
A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that�s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog�s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.
The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog�s neck."
"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn�t have a siren."
The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog�s neck."
"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn�t have a siren."
A bloke and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
�Not tonight, dear,� she says. �I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.� The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
�Honey, stop,� she says. �I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.�
�I know," he answers. �But you don�t have to go to the dentist, do you?�
�Not tonight, dear,� she says. �I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.� The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
�Honey, stop,� she says. �I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.�
�I know," he answers. �But you don�t have to go to the dentist, do you?�
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