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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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A little boy and his grandad are out in town one day. The Grandad wanders away, and the boy can't find him. The boy says to a nearby police officer: " Can you help me find my Grandad?? He wandered away!"
The police officer says, "Sure! What's he like?"
The boy: "Beer and girls with big tits."
That isn't my joke, I'm keeping it warm for a friend.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The landlord says, "Is this some kind of a joke."
What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.
Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, "I don't like your friend."
The other one replied, "Well put her to one side and just eat the greens."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit frustrated, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered -THAT question!"
I walked into the butchers the other day, and spotted that the assistant was no longer workin behind the counter. "Where's your assistant?" I asked. "I sacked him" the Butcher said. "What for?" I asked. "I caught him putting his kn*b in the bacon slicer!!" the butcher said. "That's disgusting," I said, "What did you do with the bacon slicer?"
"I sacked her as well!"
Wokka Wokka
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl@wjob."
A little boy is digging a whole in his garden when the neighbour looks over the fence.
" Hey Billie what you doing?"
" digging a hole" comes the reply,
" what for?" asks the neighbour.
" My goldfish is dead."
" Oh I am sorry billie" replies the man " But one question Billie why is the hole so big?"
Billie looks up at him " To fit your F****ng cat! "
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
a bloke goes to the doctor for a check up and notices the mans p***s is yellow,the doctor asks the bloke if he works with chemicals -no the man replies im unemployed, well do you smoke says the doctor -no the man replies by then the doctor is a bit perplexed -
so how did you get a yellow p***s?
Dunno replies the man i just sit at home all day watching porn and eating wotsits!
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