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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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a boss at his firm has to cut down on his staff so he chooses two of the laziest workers- jack and sarah and asks them to come into his office ha asks sarah to come in first and says to her
"Im going to have to either lay you or jack off"
sarah replies
"can you just jack off as ive got a really bad head" !
son:dad,i have to do a special report for school.can i ask you a question?father:sure son,whats the question?son:what is politics? father:well,lets use are home as an example.i am the wage earner,so lets cal me capitalism.your mother is the administrator of the money,so we wil cal her the goverment.we take care of your needs,so lets cal you the people.we"ll call the maid the working class and your baby brother we will call the future.that night ,awakened by his baby brothers crying,the boy went to see what was wrong.discovering his brother had wet is nappy,the boy went to his parents room and found his mother asleep.he then went to the maids roomwhere he saw his father in bed with the maid.the next morning:son:dad now i think i understand politics:father thats great son,explain it to me in your own words.son:well dad,while capitalism is screwing the working class,the goverment is sound asleep.the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of sh*t.
A blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. The brunette sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the pub and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest stongest drink for his son.
With all the drinkers looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the the lad takes his first sip of acohol.
swoooop a torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts a woop of joy. The father , shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"!
The barman still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoop!Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "take another drink"!
The barman ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swooop!Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God .
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.......then to the right.....right out through the bar door, into the street ,wheere a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The barman sighs and says.................
"He should have quit while he was a head!!"
A woman was complaining to her husband one evening that her boobs were getting smaller, even though she had tried exercises, diets, potions and lotions, all to no avail. �Why don�t you try rubbing them with toilet tissue once a day�, he suggested. �Will that make them bigger�, she asked. �Well it worked on your arse,� he replied.
This bloke is in bed with his missus when theres a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so,he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??" ,�no, get lost, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a sod. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."
Two rednecks hunting in the woods when suddenly one of them gasps and falls over clutching his chest. The other immediately gets on his mobile phone and calls 911. The operator asks what the emergency is and the redneck explains that his hunting buddie has just dropped down dead. The operator tells him not to panic, and to go and make sure his friend is really dead. There is a shot and the redneck says "done that, now what?"
A young woman had been invilved in a terrible accident.
She had been in a coma for 3 weeks at the hospital, her husband by her side all along trying desperateley to wake her, playing her favourite songs, throwing parties and reading poems to her.
One night he asked the nurses if there was anything else he could try because he missed her so much.
A helpful nurse explained that he could wait till nobody was around and pop in to give her a bit of oral,
The man asked how this might help and was told " well take it from me, it certainly speeds up the pulse and its gotta be worth a try!".
So in he went and got down to business, a while later the nurses heard the heart monitor speed up but then-- FLATLINE !.
They burst in horrified and asked -"what happened ?".
The husband was sat looking distraught with his head in his hands, "OH NO" he cried, "I must have choked her !".
Two lifers were discussing their crimes in walton prison, both were in for murder, the first one explained that he had been caught on video camera putting body parts into the boot of his car and got nicked bang to rights.
The second bloke said " well i thought on about the cameras and i put the body parts in bin bags, but the @rse fell out of one of them !".
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
I was lying awake all last night worrying about where the sun had disappeared to.....
....and then it dawned on me.
Why does an elephant paint the soles of its feet yellow?
Don't know.
So it can hide upside-down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside-down in a bowl of custard?
No.
Shows what a good disguise it is then.
Is IndieSinger around?
No, he's tall and thin.
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