Feel torn in two

[ruthandsam]

My 19 year old son has had a few problems of which he is due to see a counsellor on Tues. He is also on anti-depressants to help, however, he is refusing to look for a job, answers back all the time and the atmosphere in the house is explosive.

My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.

Please can you advise, many thanks!

[ChocolatChip]

If the relationship between him and his stepfather is difficult joeluke is what I mean. It has to come from somewhere. The problems will stem from something in the past, or genetics, I guess.

But I will say, only you know your son ruthandsam and you're the one who knows best. The break away with his grandmother may work. But I'd definitely make sure that he continues to get help, otherwise it's a horrible scary spiral.

[ruthandsam]

Ha ha - exactly what hubby says Joeluke, workshy! I can see both points of view though, ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[ummmm]

Work shy or stuck in a rut?

[ruthandsam]

Thanks ChocolatChip. My sons concern is that his Nan doesn't have WiFi! Thanks for your advice....

[B00]

kick him out, he might grow up a bit then!

[ChocolatChip]

Maybe him getting off the Internet for a while would help? Learning some btter socalizing skills, etc.
Maybe a long shot, but is he an avid gamer?

[ummmm]

Still wrong for your husband to give you an ultimatum though.

[ChocolatChip]

Or kick him out, he goes and lives with his nan and continues with the same cycle he is right now? Just another situation... I'm not saying that then not kicking him out will not make a difference. But this is a serious situation, and I'm sure that ruthandsam loves and cares for her son dearly, and would want to help him, rather than make rash decisions.

[B00]

would he still be a layabout at his grans? Will she be picking up after him as you seem to be? If so, will this be fair on her?

[ruthandsam]

Blogger and a YouTuber. The break from the internet will do him good and the fact he will have to catch a bus or walk to places and also to not turn up his nose at the meals he is given. Good, hard, solid physical work also tends to help as well. Anyone want their garden doing? ;-) x

[wolf63]

His sleep pattern is typical of someone who is depressed.

Your son is male, a teenager, unemployed and depressed - a bad mix.

Send him to see his nan for a holiday and buy him a dongle. He really needs to take a step back from his situation. He also needs to make friends - maybe some sort of further education or voluntary work.

[B00]

no its not ummmm- he's had enough, and at 19 the OP should have had enough of his childish behaviour too. Plus this is setting a terrible example to your youngest child.

[ChocolatChip]

But if he is depressed boo, with a possible social phobia. You're more than happy to just completely chuck him out with a 'get over it and get on with it' frame of mind.
Oh dear.

[B00]

wolf, lol- he's probably jobless as he spends most of the day in bed!

[ummmm]

'He leaves or I leave' is no way to treat your wife. You discuss it as a couple and come to some sort of agreement together.

[B00]

Yes Chocolate Chip I'm afriad i would. My marriage and my youngest child would be put first.

[ruthandsam]

Hence, the reason why 'veI put the question on Answerbank.

[netibiza]

I can't offer any advice, but you are not a bad mother, you obviously care very much about your son and the rest of the family. It would be a good solution for your son to move to his nan's for a while, you could all do with the break. I wish you well!

[B00]

my only concern ruthandsam, will be if he starts to take advantage of his gran?