Am I Right To Be Feeling This Way?
Family Life1 min ago
Feel torn in two
86 Answers
My 19 year old son has had a few problems of which he is due to see a counsellor on Tues. He is also on anti-depressants to help, however, he is refusing to look for a job, answers back all the time and the atmosphere in the house is explosive.
My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.
Please can you advise, many thanks!
My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.
Please can you advise, many thanks!
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Let's not forget here, he has been diagnosed, and being treated (although very early days) so there must be something wrong. Doctors font give out anti depressants for no reason, unlike most newspapers have you believe. And whatsmore, there are questionnaires to help doctors understand an individuals depression. Asking about low mood, suicidal thoughts, sleep and eating patterns. Do he's got to have said the right things to get this treatment.
I know it's all too easy to say kick him out, and that may be the right advice but it must be tearing you apart and terribly hard for you. If your husband does kick him out, please try not to resent him, and do let your son know that you love him and that you are truly helping him, and that you will always be there for him but he must stand on his own feet.
Only she can answer that though boo. I can understand where you're coming from, dint get me wrong.
But two things concern me, the mental health of the OP, due to the stress and guilt literally having to choose. Which no mother/wife should have to go through.
And the consquence of kicking her son out on his mental health.
I agree that in the odd case, people buck there ideas up and get on with their lives and are better for it.
However this is the rare situation.
More likely I think that this could cause the depression to spiral and make the situation and the relationship even more strained.
But two things concern me, the mental health of the OP, due to the stress and guilt literally having to choose. Which no mother/wife should have to go through.
And the consquence of kicking her son out on his mental health.
I agree that in the odd case, people buck there ideas up and get on with their lives and are better for it.
However this is the rare situation.
More likely I think that this could cause the depression to spiral and make the situation and the relationship even more strained.
I think it`s a bit unfair of your husband to give you the "It`s him or me" ultimatum. It makes you feel awful either way. If your son leaves he could leave under the impression that he has been displaced by your daughter. As he is undergoing treatment he is being asked to leave while he is ill. If I was in your situation I would suggest he stays with his gran "for a while" to give him some breathing space. You could say a couple of months with the intention of reviewing the situation when you see how he gets on. The computer situation could be difficult though. Being in front of a computer all day could make him very apathetic but if he goes to his gran and doesn`t have access to one, it will make it difficult to find work or apply for voluntary work etc.
First thing, can you speak to your son, is he receptive ever? If there are good moments then tell him how bad it is for you all including him and that he cannot be happy the way things are, and that moving to his Nan's temporarily will do him the world of good. Don't ever let him know that he is not included in anything. You have to try to make it sound like it's a good idea and that he will gain so much from it, also if he could consider getting a job and being independant, but little by little. Not everyone is an adult mentally at 19, I certainly wasn't and I needed my mother's help, so as long as he feels that he has your love and support, he may do OK.
