Feel torn in two

[ruthandsam]

My 19 year old son has had a few problems of which he is due to see a counsellor on Tues. He is also on anti-depressants to help, however, he is refusing to look for a job, answers back all the time and the atmosphere in the house is explosive.

My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.

Please can you advise, many thanks!

[ChocolatChip]

But, he sound like a possible social phobic, he has no friend of which ruthandsam speaks of. He is possibly lacking confidence and social skills. That does not strike me as someone will find a job or girlfriend with ease.
Although I agree he needs to get out a live his life, but it's very difficult when you're depressed and feeling that way.
He won't be able to get a job due to the lack of confidence and social skills.
He needs some kind of hobby, college course or as someone else advised voluntary work, probably exercise too.

[DEN53]

ruth - I think your husband is being extremely selfish - does he think its a barrel of laughs for you at the moment - making you choose between him and kicking your son out. Are you sure he is depressed and not just rebelling, as some teenagers do.

I have a 21 year old son, he has never been the easiest child, but I have always supported him and encouraged him. He can get moody and throws a strop now and again, but that what most teenagers do.

You sound a lovely caring Mum, ruth - don't give up on your son, he needs your support and love - sending him to his Grans, will make him feel more isolated - he will see it as you have chosen your husband over him.

I'd give your husband an ultimatium - 'grow up and give me more support'.

The counselling may help your son, as I think this could be about his relationship with his step father - and talking it through can only be a good thing.

I wish you all the best ruth. xx

[cazzz1975]

living at his nan's house is hardly throwing him out without a care, he could use a lesson in life to be honest. it will probably do him the world of good to be responsible for himself.

he is not a child any more.

[ruthandsam]

He did ok at school and went on to plan to go to college up until the day he was due to start. Panic attack and then everything unravelled as we found out that he had been abused as a youngster. He has lots of hobbies and everything he puts his mind to he succeeds in. This will all get sorted as I have total faith it will. Just a hiccup or a big belch along the way of life's rich tapestry.

[tillyh345]

Yes I must admit I agree with Den I also think he may feel rejected, as he is at present he probably already feels like an outcast from the family unit as your daughter is your husbands and he isnt. Be very careful, he sounds as though he is very vulnerable at the moment, keep talking to him and as someone saide earlier leave him in no doubt you love him and will always be there for him, if anything encourage him to speal to you about any fears he has. It is a very scary world at 19 even when u have friends and a social life. If we put ourselves in his shoes, you may think differently, what has the world to offer him, even the most experienced people are finding it difficult to get jobs. I say he just need a lot of love and encouragement and I wish you the best of luck and I hope your husband realises you need his support 100% at the moment, family life can be v difficult sometimes but when youve got each other through the storm it will be all worth it. I also speak from experience. xx

[netibiza]

I've just realised that he must have been 14 or 15 when the sister came along, so for a long time he was the only child, that can hurt! Does he smoke pot by any chance cos that really won't help him. I don't live in England so do not know if there are any organisations that can help him but I would think there would be. Have you ever sat down and told your husband how torn you are and how painful it is, that you need his help in this too?

[ChocolatChip]

Bullying and abuse was something I wanted to ask, but it can be an uncomfortable subject. And someone asked earlier what he had to be depressed about, your poor son, he has been through a lot for someone young, is it any wonder that he has these problems now. He desperately needs to get out on a daily basis. I would speak to him about going back to college. This would help him develop confidence.
This situation is identical to what happen to my ex, he stayed like this until he was 24, living with his family with all the same arguements. Eventually, he went back to college and is now going to university, about 400 miles away from his family! He is, well, happier. But he refused to get help, which is a bonus for your son.
What kind of hobbies does he have?

[cazzz1975]

him leaving home does not mean he is being rejected, it could be an opportunity for him to spread his wings.

[ChocolatChip]

But cazz, he is depressed, the whole world is 'against him' and he can only view it negatively.
He will never see it that way, he will probably take it badly.

[tillyh345]

leaving home to spread his wings all good, but going to live with his Nan with his computer to me sounds as though he will continue to become more and more isolated?

[cazzz1975]

his enviroment can be making him depressed, the situation is not going to get any better whilst he is in that same situation. as long as he is sitting around the house he will remain depressed. I know someone who was in that situation and although he hasnt moved out of home, it was getting a job that changed him.

[cazzz1975]

but they have tried being supportive and it hasnt worked. they need to be supportive but firm. I would be looking at him getting a job.

[ChocolatChip]

That's what I'm saying, kick him out now when he's obviously young headed and vunerable will not help his situation. Getting him into college or voluntary work will help this situation, he's not under his families feet because he'll be out the house more, have more socialisation and hopefully more confidence, while bettering himself as well,

ruth, you never spoke of what he wants to do with his life?

[netibiza]

I think cazz is right saying something has to be done, and I think going to Nan's couldn't hurt, as long as he'd not feeling that he's being rejected. He really can't go on as he is, it's jsut not fair on any of them.

[netibiza]

Agree with Chocchip!

[ruthandsam]

Hereby lies the big question. One minute, caring for animals, another is studying Business Studies from home (he's rather good at that subject), another is studying Korean language and culture.........a place where he has always wanted to travel to. A can feel a joke coming on here.................

[DEN53]

ruth - I would wait a bit before packing him off to his nans - let him get a few counselling sessions under his belt and see if there is a change in him. To be honest, if he is suffering from depression and has felt panicky - the last thing on his mind would be looking for work.

I would try building his confidence first - does he like exercise? playing footie etc - this is where your husband could play a part.

I think getting to the root of the problem is the first port of call, once this has been found (and it could take a while) then you build on that.

[ChocolatChip]

Why not a levels then? He can probably do a few of those things while deciding what he wants to do?
Do you think he'd try again? It is worth it, I was seriously mentally ill a few years ago. And went to college, had to leave after a few weeks. My family were at a loss, they tried supporting me, shouting at me, anything they could that they thought would help. But I had to want it myself and help myself, which your son obviously does. Going back to college changed me for the better. And surprise, surprise I'm now a scholarship student studying psychology!

[sherrardk]

Maybe you could arrange a Connexions interview for him, so that he can focus on a way forward - either through further study or employment (might help to make him feel more positive if he has something to work towards)?

[missnemesis]

I feel for you r&s I really do but you can't just kick your son out. Jeez if he's depressed now packing him off to his nan's at your husband's say so is just going to inflame matters. Whatever his problems you are his mum and it definately sounds like he needs you.
When your hubby married you, you already had a son so it was a package deal. How would HE feel if it were HIS child YOU were demanding was made to leave or his marriage was over? It's your hubby who needs to grow up and be the adult in this situation. 19 or not he's still your son.

BTW if it were my hubby giving me those kind of ultimatums regarding a son/daughter of mine it would be HIM that would be looking for alternative accommodation.