Do you smack your kids??

[stevie1time]

Its a touchy subject nowadays and i just wanted to express my experience of it,but main question being,,,if you have done,have you felt an immense feling of guilt afterwards??? I am 35 and a single dad, i come from a Sikh background where the fathers are strict,ive got 3 brothers and 3 sisters who felt the wrath of my dads heavy drinking,,bullying and strictness,but not i..but thats another story for another day...I dont smack my kids..i have learned other ways of correcting them...BUT when i did smack them,i felt an unbelivably overwhelming feeling of wrong...just wanted some views on this..thanks X

[redcrx]

This isnt just a black and white situation.

Yes there are parents who never smack and have wonderfully behaved children

there are parents who smack rarely but when the feel necassary and agin they have well behaved children.

There are parents who lose control and beat children sensless by any means to hand and the children end up in care and with little prospect of life and no respect for anyone

There are unloved children who end up in care after being mistreated but who go on to be loving law abiding young adults.

There are children who end up dead following severe beatings from out of control parents, these parents do not care about their children

Then there are children who are never smacked but mainly beacuse parents couldnt really give a stuff about what the child is doing and have no love whatsoever for that child.

The middle of these, IE the parent who rarely smacks and the parent who disciplines without smacking are the ones who actually care about what their child does and how that child grows to respect rules and regulations. Our goal is the same even if we get there in different ways.

No-one will change my mind on this so i wont get into a fight at all. Just as I wouldnt dream of telling a parent who can discipline without ever needing to smack that they are wrong in their parenting.

[cazzz1975]

Ive seen kids being hit and shouted at for the most trivial things, not because they were naughty but because the mom was in a bad mood.

Infact most of the hitting Ive ever seen has been because the adult was stressed or in a bad mood.

[redcrx]

i certainly dont hit my son because Im stressed or in a bad mood.
But i can understand why you are so upset at the thought of parents smacking if thats the only situation you see it in.
But cazz, do you not know any children at the other end of the scale, the really spoilt ones who get no discipline at all? No guidance as to what is acceptable behavior and what isnt?

[cazzz1975]

yes, but its all attainable without ever having to smack, but it depends on the parents ability to guide and show them the consequeces of their actions.

the other end of the scale kids are normally as a result of absent parenting where parents have little or no imput into their lives, the bad behaviour as children is an attempt to get some kind of attention of the mom or dad, as the get older they get their feelings of being wanted or listened to from friends.

its an important time because the friends they hang around with shape their future (getting in with a good or bad crowd)

sadly there are too many kids who are too far gone but there are opportunities to reach these people when they are adults.

If smacking was the way forward we would all do it and all the kids wouldnt have problems but its not the way at all..

[tigwig]

cazz I am not going to get into an argument with you, you have your views on parenting and I have mine. The children who I work with are babies under 1 so no they aren't badly behaved there is no need to be sarcastic. I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone else on here. Big deal I smack my child occasionally, get over it.

[cazzz1975]

I wont argue with you tigwig, you seem stressed enough as it is, and that might not be a good thing.

[tigwig]

don't try to be funny with me cazz it won't work. what do you think I am going to do? Maybe I'll take it out on my daughter yes I think I will beat her up tonight

[cazzz1975]

good grief tigwig, move on...

[meltoadhall]

yes i have smacked my children, but as they have got older and can be reasoned with no I dont - couldnt tell you the last time, some years ago tho.
no hardly ever felt guilty and never did becasue I was in a bad mood, it was necessary, it was done and life goes on.

[LoftyLottie]

I was smacked by my mum as a child, usually across the back of the leg. I don't think it did me any good whatsoever and certainly didn't teach me anything.

I smacked my kids a couple of times in sheer frustration. when they were young teenagers going through that 'horrible' stage when they were so rude and cheeky. They weren't hard smacks and my kids laughed at me!!

[LoftyLottie]

I think my kids could be reasoned with better when they were little than when they were about 13 melttoadhall. I must have gone wrong somewhere!

Anyway they turned out OK!

[aims1202]

It is true what cazz says about it being the way the parent is feeling. Its not just that they are in a bad mood but more that they could be feeling tired and stressed and then the child does something annoying or that they dont like and then they loose their temper and shout or smack. It maybe that the child doing the same thing another time might not get the same reaction because the parent is feeling different at the time. This kind of parenting does the child no good, they will feel insecure in not knowing what is expected of them and they will hide things if they dont know the reaction they will get. Those of you who do smack your children, i suspect you feel very guilty afterwards? Or do you feel you have dont the right thing afterwards?
Some parents may think it is ok to hit other people and see no wrong in teaching their children hitting is ok. Personally i want to teach my children to be kind to everyone and to never hit anyone. How could i teach my child not to hit if i hit him ocassionally?

[cazzz1975]

also aims, in life when we are adults we dont go around hitting co workers or college mates just because we disagree with them, why is it that people cannot find a way of communicating something to a child without intimidation, threats or ultimately smacking?...

[anderlee]

Tigwig, I understand where you are coming from and we're all entitled to our opinion.
I have a 2 year old son and I have tapped his hand a couple of times when he has kicked me in the face either while changing his nappy or putting him in the car seat. I will not 'lose it', yes I raise my voice sometimes but he knows what hes doing is wrong. He will probably push me when hes older but i have worked with very disturbed kids so I have the patience and will not smack his legs or backside.

[Drisgirl]

Perhaps I should have just put their hands in the fire to finally let them know it was dangerous (That BTW was a euphonism).Yes I had a fireguard and locks on all cupbpards and socket covers but just very occasionally I had to draw their attention to a potential danger when they persisted and didnt seem to understand -so my skiiffing their hand lighly and talking to them and looking then in the eyes brought another dimension than me just talking to them -they appreciated that I was trying to get their attention and it was serious.

I personally think that bawling and shouting would terrify a child much more.

Each to their own -I dont think there are any children in danger her -just different parenting styles and I respect that.

[cymruambyth1]

I am not a mother, but when I was growing up I did get smacked, sometimes by hand or other times with the wooden spoon. It has never done any harm, I never saw it as physical abuse or anything, my mum was a single mother with 4 kids, 1 girl and three boys and we were little ***** sometimes and I am not surprised we got a smack! I think a smack every now and again is needed, as a child you will never do the same thing twice then!

[snow.maiden]

I can understand why some people think that a smack does no harm, or when a parent feels justified in tapping a child for repeatedly doing something naughty or dangerous, but I still don't think it's the answer. I've managed to teach mine the rights and wrongs without resorting to that, by how (or not) I've spoken to them. I think it's best to lead by example, and to be firm but kind from the word go.

[meredith101]

I think there has to be a distinction between an ideal and the reality. If it were demonstrated (if) that there were a certain number of select situaitions where negative reinforcement of a bad behaviour by a light tap on the bum would lead to a good outcome (better behaviour), this would be a good thing if (the ideal), the world were populated by knowledgeable, self-controlled, disciplined adults. It's (reality) not. It's full of people with poor self-control, very little knowledge about the actual effect of their actions, who are normally just acting out of anger.
THEREFOR, it is by FAR the best course of action simply to place a blanket ban on any parent>child assault (I mean any form of physical action to a child that among adults would be classified as assault). Normally, the effects of the type of behaviour seen by adults to children is very negative and seriously damages the child's mental wellbeing. Just because the parent can't control themselves and justifies this lack of control as 'teaching them a lesson'.
It should be easier for people to report parents who are abusive to their kids. It goes on a lot.

[LoftyLottie]

Perhaps smacking doesn't do any harm to children (a light smack as opposed to a wallop) but it doesn't do any good either!! How on earth can a smack teach a child anything at all. All it does is make a child resentful and angry. Nobody deserves to be smacked. Smacking surely indicates to a child that it's OK to show disapproval by hitting someone.

[meredith101]

I don't agree with smacking one bit and I do agree with what you say about what it teaches about it being ok just to hit someone.........this is the mindset it breeds: someone doing what you don't like, hit them to make them stop.

The only tiny argument, if any, pro smacking, is the conditioning one. Someone does something, negative outcome (smack), person less likely to do it in future (associate it with negative, ie smack).