Miss my Dad

[Nay35]

I lost my Dad to Parkinson's Disease a year ago and I miss him so much will the pain ever go away. I feel I haven't grieved properly, my bf doesn't really understand cos he hasnt lost anyone close to him.

It was exactky a year on 24 March and me and my family had a get together, we drank tea and ate my dad's fav cake then went and put flowers on his grave. My bf thought it was silly to do that to bring up all the emotions again. Is he right.

My Dad was the only person I could talk to and I could really do with his advice right now.

[sara3]

that's a bit harsh of your boyfriend. of course you have to grieve, there are no rules about how long that will affect you, so don't be hard on yourself.

but in time you will learn to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. you'll never stop missing your dad, but it sounds like you'll get more support from your family than your partner, which isn't really right. lean on your family, they obviously feel as you do.

it seems to me that you may have more issues with your partner that need to be dealt with.

[muchlovex]

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost my mum almost 2 years ago, and I can tell you that the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Your boyfriend should be supportive to you, as he doesn;t sound supportive at all. You and your family need to do what feels right for you all. If you feel like drinking tea and eating his favorite cake then you should do that.

Don't bury your emotions, it will only make you grieve longer. Do what is right for yourself.

Try and think of the good times you had with your dad.

Remember everyone takes their own time to grieve.

Take care, x

[ummmm]

Lost mine just over two years ago. I was also very close to him :-(

The first year is the hardest as you have to go through the first Christmas, Their Birthdays, our Birthdays, Fathers day etc. I was an emotional wreck.....and it's only been the last few months that I feel that I'm getting back to normal.

Saying that, the pain is still the same when it comes back. You just start to get on with life because you have to. Eventually you realise that you haven't cried all day...then two days and so on.

It does get easier...honestly. Part of me didn't want to move on because I felt in some way I was betraying him. The fact is though we are probably betraying them more by not trying to happy. Something I'm sure your Dad would want you to be.

I haven't been to my Dads house since the day he died....and I still can't bring myself to
:-(

I know how you're feeling xxxx

[ummmm]

I also had a very supportive boyfriend.....that might have made things a bit easier for me.

[paddywak]

I lost my father 30yrs ago and my mother 25yrs ago,with mums death being especially painfull as she died suddenly on the 23rd December,so you can imagine what christmas is like even now. You will always miss him he was your Dad, but it does get easier,and as for remembering there's not a week goes by that some member of the family doesn't visit the grave and on 23rd December everybody visits sometime during the day and the grave is covered in flowers.Even now when ever the family get together sooner or later one of the "kids (most now have kids of their own) will say " can you remember when Grandad/Grannie did ******." so yes the pain will go away but the love wont. As for your bf I hope he doesn't have the misfortune to experiance the loss of some one close too soon but if he did it might make him realise what you are going though

[ummmm]

It's a hard thing to understand if you've never been through it. So don't be too hard on him.

[divegirl]

I too lost my Dad last year and sometimes I don't feel like I've even started to grieve. He was your Dad and you should remember him in anyway you deem fit. As for needing you Dads advice....listen to your heart, it sounds like he bought you up well so what you believe is what he would want for you.

Lisa x

[coccinelle]

As others have said you don't know what grieving is until you lose someone close so don't be too harsh on your boyfriend. I realised after my parents had both gone, that those who understood were those who'd lost both parents too. Mind you, grieving is a personal thing so unless you think it's good for you to share the anniversary of his death with others then don't. I know I wouldn't or couldn't do that. However, I can talk and laugh about things they did with other members of the family at any time, but there's no ritual.

[lardhelmet]

My Dad died in 1997 and I still miss him. Somebody will say or do something that will remind me of him or say something that I think would have made him laugh and I just stop and let myself think about him for a few minutes. That's how I deal with it but everyone's different.

[Schlomo78]

Ummmm's statement 'Part of me didn't want to move on because I felt in some way I was betraying him. The fact is though we are probably betraying them more by not trying to happy. Something I'm sure your Dad would want you to be.' is so true.My Dad would be so mad if he knew I wasn't getting on with life.
I lost my Dad unexpectedly 2 1/2 years ago and I miss him still as he was the only one who was always there for me, even though he lived in the U.S. I would call him when I was feeling low, or things had gone wrong and he would make me feel calm again. We spoke 2 or 3 times a week, about not very much, yet I miss those conversations the most. It was VERY difficult, even up to the 2nd anniversary of his death last year, then I think I bean to come to terms with it a bit more. I was trying not to cry the other night when I was thinking about him because I felt I shouldn't, then realised I was being stupid and let it out. It's going to take a lot of time, simply because you were so close, and it's better to work through your emotions rather than internalise them and risk making yourself ill. Your bf won't understand, mine didn't either, it's nothing you can explain to someone who hasn't been there and until it happens to him he just won't get it. :(
I'm about to start keeping a journal, where I write down things that happened and things my Dad used to do, as I'm scared I'll forget. I'm going to write them down when I think of them and then every so often sit down and read them and remember properly, I know I'll cry and cry, but I also know one day I won't cry so hard and that'll tell me I'm starting to work it through...
Really feel for you hun, but you WILL get through it, but it will take time x x

[marval]

I lost my Dad a few years ago, and my Mum last year, I still have pain. I think time helps to heal, I often think of something I would like to talk to them about, having a get together is not wrong. It was a way of remembering him, and celebrating his life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, or carry on your life. Your boyfriend is entitled to his opinions, but only you can know how you feel. There will always be a place in you heart for your Dad, and you will always have the good memories.


Take care, x

[lou107]

I lost my mam may 13th last year & for me it's not got any easier, it getting worse. we're going to have her 1st anniversary mass in her house. It's going to be very hard though, some of the family still go into the house to check on it but i havent been there in a long time, cant bring myself to go, to hard. You must believe that your dad is with you all the time, just because you cant see him doesnt mean he's not with you. As a matter of fact he can be with you more now, he can help you more now than he could before. My mam is definately with me every day, i feel her presence around me all the time. i too was very close to my mam, i was the youngest of 14 & i know i was her favourite cas i was her baby no matter how old i am. i also miss my mam every day & i still cry all the time for her. i got a photo of me & her together enlarged, i have it in my kitchen & i talk to her every day. i also have the pillow she took her last breath on & i hug & kiss it every day. Try lighting a candle for your dad, i light a candle for my mam every day at 5pm & leave it lighting til i go to bed. I was told that the candle really helps them get to where they need to be in the spirit world. hope that helps!

[barney1966]

I don't really believe that there is a set process whereby you actually grieve and then get over it. People who aren't so close to the deceased get the news, feel sad, go to the funeral and then it is more or less over for them, but for immediate family and maybe really close friends I feel that life has changed and is never really going to be the same again without the loved one who has gone. So for me, I feel the bereaved have to learn to live a new life and the pain and loss is always there. It gets easier over time. There are some days when you don't really give it a great deal of thought and others when it is at the forefront of your mind all day. Years down the line there will still be occasions where you think you can call the person and speak to them, or something (like a song, for example) will jog your memories and make everything seem so raw again.

I don't think I had any idea before I lost anyone close though.

[carmalee]

Nay35 - It's only been ayear since you lost your Dad - I lost mine twenty odd years ago and still miss him but the hurt does get less, believe me it does. There's no time limit but at some stage you will be able to just remember the good times (I'm of a certain age but vividly remember sitting on my Dad's lap a thousand years ago and having Beatrix Potter stories read to me). He left me a wonderful legacy of 'the written word' and even though he was a man of his age and didn't always overtly show his love - I still feel very loved, worthy and secure when I think of him. One of my most treasured possessions is his huge dictionary, it's old, it's battered and there are many loose pages but it was my Dad's and I will defend it with my life! People have riduculed it at their peril!!!! I won't presume to tell you what's right and what's wrong but if it feels right for you - do it. It obviously gave you and your family great comfort to do what you did on the anniversary of his death so don't let anyone tell you that was wrong. Possibly your b/f didn't have the loving family you have. Stay positive - parents are meant to die before us, that's the way it is.

[poodicat]

Hi nay i lost my mum only 6 weeks ago and i havent grieved at all!

[Greedyfly]

Everyone deals with grief in different ways, if you want to eat cake and drink tea then thats cool. Today ironically is the anniversary of my dads death, 11 years. I choose to generally not aknowledge it, he died in pretty bad circumstances. But whatever makes you feel better/close to your father is what you should do. It has nothing to do with your b/f how you deal, although he could be a little more understanding and supportive!

I would talk to him and tell him how you feel and that him not supporting you is only making you feel worse. I hope you feel better soon, and I know its a cliche but it does get easier - but it takes alot of time.

[fruitsalad]

I to lost my Dad a year ago Nay, and have many days when i still shed a tear and miss him terribly, I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and realise I wont see him again, I go to his grave once every two weeks and put fresh flowers and have a chat to him and this goes some way to help me feel a bit better, just by hoping he knows that i'm talking with him.

[Selfridge81]

Hi Nay, sorry to hear of ur loss. No, it was unreasonable of ur bf, he doesnt really understand. u must had been close to ur Dad.
I lost my mother in law 10 months ago due to 3rd cancer (unexpected). She was only 62. The pain never go, its been hard...
She treated me like her daughter and we always there for her whenever she asked us, we came straight to her to help her with anything. We felt wanted and loved by her. She was very popular, everyone knew her, she had a very big heart. We were very closed and she was always mischief and laughing. Me and my partner still miss that. So, we know that she wants us to continue happy for her.
Ur Dad knew that u loved him very much and im sure he doesnt want u to down, he wants u to continue happy for him and remember the good times u had with him that makes u smile :)

[boxtops]

I guess from your BF's reaction that something like this hasn't happened to him so far in his life. You don't know what it's like until it happens. You have done the right thing and remembered your dad on his anniversary - perfectly normal and a ovely family event. As others have said, the pain does ease but you won't forget. Be kind to yourself.