disiplining 8 yr old

[Iz66]

Im pulling my hair out with my 8 yr old boy...he will be 9 in august. His father and I have split up, but its not recent but his father and I are not amicable.

I have my son all week and he goes to his dad most weekends, obviously he has a great time there and when he comes home to me he is in a right mood, probably because the fun is over from being with his dad and then back to reality with me.

When he is naughty i try tell him off and he just laughs at me, it i tell him to do something he doesnt do it and he can talk back to me.

I just dont know how to find a suitable punishment for him. I threaten to take things away from him but its like he is not bothered. Its like nothing can get to him.

When he behaves he is a wonderful boy, he does well at school and is liked by teachers and friends. Its like when he is at home he can be a nightmare especially talking back to me, he has no respect for me what so ever and i dont know how to gain that respect!

anyon got any ideas???

[noxlumos]

Okay the way I would handle this is. Stop all the sanctions and try not to yell no matter what for 3 or 4 days so that there's a non aggressive pleasant atmosphere to start with. Then you need to enlist his help and treat him in a very grown up manner. sit down and have a good talk with him on an equal footing and tell him how much you love him, how hard things are for you sometimes and ask him nicely if he'll lease give you some help by not doing cetain things and by doing whatever it is that you want him to. Tell him, you're sad because he seems to have all his fun with his Dad and you really would like to do some nice stuff with him too and then plan something together like Alton Towers or whatever appeals to you both. I'm sure lots of people will disagree but I treat all my kids like adults with their own responsibilities from the age of 5 or so and we have no significant behaviour issues with any of ours because they are largely self determining and as such realise at a much younger age the effect people have on them and they have on people.If you scream and rant and threaten then you son can't have respect for you because it comes off as weak and uncontrolled. Try it this way and hopefully he should begin to realise he has a responsibility to be respectful to people and that if he is good things happen.Good luck.

[Iz66]

yes you are right noxlumos...all i seem to do is shout and i hate it!

But for example, lets say he is kicking the football outside on neighbours wall and i tell him to stop it and he doesnt...i tell him again and he carrys on, so then i say come inside now and he doesnt! so i have to go outside and take the ball off him and then he will laugh and try get the ball off me...so then i have to hide the ball....its all so ridiculous! then i will find him on the computer when he knows he has to ask permission to do so.....and so it goes on!

I will try not yell at him...infact i will stop yelling, i remember my mother yelling at me and i jjust see myself in the same way now and i HATE that!

i will keep you posted! :o)

[noxlumos]

It is quite a struggle I know. We had an ex girlfirend of mine's son to live with us when she died and he was a little monster.Lol.We found scenarios like the football one you mention were best avoided not by telling him not to do it, but via distraction, we asked him to come and look at something or do something else, but it did take bloody ages until he finally calmed down and took his own behaviour on his own shoulders.It's really hard work but we've found it's very worth it, he's a happy lad now and quite well behaved most of the time but he's been with us nearly 2 years now so you'll need a lot of pateince, and he nearly sent my (patience of a Saint) wife into a loony bin a couple of times with some of the thing he did.Keep at it and keep us posted:)

[BigDogsWang]

I think nox has just about covered it, but for what it's worth I shall offer some advice. It appears he has very little respect for you. To gain his respect I think you need to show more interest in him. It sounds to me as though he is crying out for attention.

Example: If he is kicking the ball against the neighbor�s wall, instead of telling him off, join in with him (I don't mean kicking the ball against the neighbors wall!!). Find somewhere you can both play, and then say to him you will go in goal and see how many he can put past you. Look as though you are enjoying it (even if you are not!), then lay down a rule such as "let�s see how quickly you can score ten, then let�s go inside and do something else". Same with the computer. Show an interest in what he is doing on it, but on your terms. He will much rather have your attentions with rules, than no attention at all.

I find the best way to get my lad (also 8) to do as he's told is to join in with what he's doing. We have now reached a mutual understanding in that he now knows he will get more attention from me if he does as I ask him.

Good luck.

[mycats]

ah Iz66 my son is exactly the same and I often go to bed feeling horrible because I feel like all I have done all day is shout at him :-( when you think about the fact that this is the one person you love most in the world it's heartbreaking eh? How about we make a deal? I will try not to shout at my son (he was 10 yesterday by the way, so ages not too different) and you try not to shout at yours? :-) We could come on here and say how things are going? Just an idea lol

[Hellion]

Hi Iz66 I'm wondering if, when your son goes to your ex-husband's he gets the undivided attention of your ex-husband. The reason I say this is Mums often end up having to do boring things like cooking, cleaning and washing and dads - even when they are at home - tend to do less boring things and if you add to this a new stepmother (or girlfriend) who is doing the 'boring' things leaving your ex free to spend a lot of 'quality time' with your son. Is it possible your son is being horrendous to get your attention.

Try this as an experiment ignore the housework for a week and just 'be' with him play games, go to the park, sit and watch the world cup and ask him to explain the rules/teams to you. Let him 'lead' the activities. If you find his behaviour improves a bit then attention seking may be the reason for his behaviour. If that's the case start saving the boring tasks and doing them when he's not there at the weekend and gradually build up to doing what we do in our house 10 minute tidies where we all spend 10 minutes doing a boring job so we can then go and have some fun.

Hope this helps

[Iz66]

Its great to know im not the only one out there in this situation!

mycats...im off to collect him from school, i havnt seen him since saturday so i expect he will be in a bad mood becuse of fun weekend with his dad and no back to no fun mum...hehehe

Im going to try really hard to not yell tonight...will take him out with his younger brother for a game of footie and then home for homework and tea....sounds all so easy doesnt it...but i will try hard in not loosing it and yell :o)

so nocats...please get back to me how your day goes too!

[mycats]

No problem Iz66, good luck :-) I will come on when mine goes to bed, to see how we got on x

[Iz66]

ha! sucess...i didnt yell today at him!
he was being a rascal at bedtime but i kept my cool!

everything has gone pretty smoothly :o)

tomorrow another day!

mycats...how have you got on tonight with yours?

Iz x

[noxlumos]

Brilliant IZ, I'm really pleased for you, hope it goes as well tomorrow:)

[mycats]

Hi Iz66 I did ok too, strangely enough, knowing that I was gonna come on here and tell people how I got on actually helped lol.
I even spent ages playing (and listening to him explain) Bionicles! I did get a bit bored but didnt say anything and we had a really nice evening! :-) hopefully catch up with you today x

[BigDogsWang]

Sounds like you are on the first steps to cracking it. But you do have to persist. I played on the Playstation with my lad last night. Then we went in the garden for a quick game of 'first to 10 goals' with a small foam ball. At bedtime, he played up, until I said "If you want me to play games with you, you have to keep up your end of the bargain".

And off he went.

[Iz66]

am starting another thread today so we dont have to scroll down too much :o)
Iz x