Having an affair

[Mintee]

I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but...

I'm in a relationship that is happy but dull. I've met someone recently that I would love to see more of. I suppose my ideal situation would be to maintain my current relationship because breaking up with him would break his heart (and because we both get something good out of the relationship). He was single for a long time before we met and thinks I am his ideal woman.

But.... I've never been one for long-term monogamy and the idea of meeting up with the person I've met for some no-strings fun is very appealing.

Has anyone else done something similar and if so, did it go as you planned or was it a total f*cking nightmare in practice?

[mummyh]

Sure it's possible to be with someone and want someone else at the same time - but if you exercise some willpower and respect, you'll only have one of those on the go at the same time. What you want isn't always the right thing.

[B00]

You could always ask your present partner whether he'd mind you knocking someone else off?

He might like the opportunity to see other women as well.

[Mintee]

I would LOVE an open relationship. But he is very traditional and unlikely to go for it. Yes, I should probably break up with him if I'm considering looking elsewhere. But we get on well and my kids love him, it would cause massive upset in so many ways if we split. I've always made it clear that I'm not a 'get married and settle down' lass and that I am very independent. But I still think he would baulk at the idea of an open relationship. Only Pinki has really answered the question - have you done it and did it turn out sh*t?

[boxtops]

Mintee, been there, done that. I spent years with the wrong bloke and was dissatisfied, and tbh felt like you do, and it all ended in tears, I vowed I would never put anyone through that again. Spent several years after that on my own having a good time. Now I have found a man I want to be with - no, I don't look anywhere else, I don't need to. I'm not influenced by what society says - I've found what I want, hell or high water.

The point you haven't mentioned is - is this other guy available, or is he going to wreck a partner's life too, if you too have fun together?

[DTCwordfan]

well yes, sara, but that is what is being proposed here - in effect.

Mintee - If your relationship has broken down, I could understand, if you came out and said that he has little sexual interest and you do, I could understand, and in both cases I am sure a "metier" could be worked out. But if you have a happy relationship, and you are prepared to risk it all for some larger salami - it will likely dissolve into an emotional three or four way disaster (is he married or partnered)...and crocodile tears all around, then you are barmy or naive.

[cazzz1975]

I know people who have done that and it always ended in tears, it tears apart families.

[mummyh]

you're happy to stay with him because it suits you to have a 'dad' for your kids, yet you don't respect him enough to be monogomous? If monogamy is that awful a concept for you, why are you even with him in the first place? He deserves better.

[grasscarp]

Maybe I shouldnt be on this thread at all but here goes. Ummmm has got it in one. How good a liar are you. If you can lie straight faced and have a very good memory, this can work. Been there. It can be good for you and good for your partner as you will feel a bit guilty at times and try to be really nice to them. If blokes can get away with it why not women? It can be a great bit of escapism. Just dont confuse fantasy with reality. The person you are with is reality and the other is a game. Never confuse the two.

[Mintee]

Thank you Boxtops that is a very useful response. He has separated from his wife - ha, that sounds like a line that men say but I think it's true. Although I have to be honest and say it doesn't matter much to me either way. Sara - no, I really don't expect only support. I expect a lively debate because that's what you get on this site and that's why I keep coming back (yes I have another identity on this site but wanted to post anonymously for this one). I do think people will believe I am a total cow, but I also think times are changing, I think the lifetime monogamy experiment has been proven to be a mistake - really, genuinely, how many couples meet young, stay together for life, and never cheat?

[jackthehat]

"By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this --
One of you is lying."

[boxtops]

well said, grasscarp

[ladyalex]

How would you feel if you found out that your partner was having some 'no strings fun' with someone more exciting than you ?

[cazzz1975]

I recognise your identity

[askyourgran]

No strings fun might seem appealing and if you like to put yourself about that is your business. But it is possible that your heartless messing around will come back at you and bite you on the bum. You may lose the only decent thing you have, not to mention your reputation. He would be devastated and find it hard to trust you ever again. Spice up your current love life with your man, don't flatter yourself that you are the only woman he will ever meet, he may realise that you aren't worth the trouble if you are found out.

[redcrx]

"I think the lifetime monogamy experiment has been proven to be a mistake"
do you tell your children this? do you really want them to find out that youre prepared to lie and cheat because youre bored

[Mintee]

*larger salami*

Priceless.

Grasscarp - thank you, interesting point. I have heard of this notion of affairs actually helping keep relationships on track. Probably a cop-out excuse but could work for me...

[boxtops]

mintee, the times aren't a-changing at all, the sort of swinging life you're describing was alive and well in the 1970s and 80s.

[mummyh]

me me me me.

[B00]

Ok, ive had affairs in my dim, and very stupid past and all I can say is i'd never ever do it again.

I know the pain and heartache it can cause someone and I'd never want to hurt someone like that again, it really makes you feel like crap.

Don't do this to your present partner if you care about him at all.