Having an affair

[Mintee]

I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but...

I'm in a relationship that is happy but dull. I've met someone recently that I would love to see more of. I suppose my ideal situation would be to maintain my current relationship because breaking up with him would break his heart (and because we both get something good out of the relationship). He was single for a long time before we met and thinks I am his ideal woman.

But.... I've never been one for long-term monogamy and the idea of meeting up with the person I've met for some no-strings fun is very appealing.

Has anyone else done something similar and if so, did it go as you planned or was it a total f*cking nightmare in practice?

[sara3]

wait til someone you care about cheats on you.. it's unpleasant, to say the least.

[boxtops]

...or your friends will see you together at some point, and word will get back, and you spend your life looking over your shoulder.

[Mintee]

How would I feel if he were doing it to me...

This is always the response but it's moot for me. I wouldn't mind - have already said I would LOVE an open relationship. Have done it before and would do it again. Gran - I shouldn't flatter myself, you're right. If he told me to get lost tomorrow it would serve me right and I'd be happy for him. I don't think it's likely though. Red - I don't tell my children anything. Why should I? I don't want to indoctrinate them. I'd rather they worked out for themselves what they want - and if that's an open relationship, no relationship, bisexuality - it's nothing to me as long as they are happy.

[cazzz1975]

"wait til someone you care about cheats on you.. it's unpleasant, to say the least."

that is Karma...

[redcrx]

Im not saying tell them, but what if they find out?. Or if they find in future that their partner, who they think is the ideal person for them, is bored so is having an affair?

[B00]

Mintee- when a grown man cries because he's found out you've cheated on him, you'll feel like the biggest bitch going.

Don't do it.

[Rainbowwitch]

Does this new person like you being in a relationship? His he in a relationship himself (Im assuming its another fella your seeing).

Does this new one just fill a void in your dull relationship?

[grasscarp]

I was hugely cheated on in the beginning of my relationship with the person I am still with which is probably why I later succumbed to temptation. All of us are shaped by our past so what is right for someone may be totally wrong for someone else. Mintee wanted opinions and I dont regret my life one bit. Years ago I read an article by Lord Reith, who founded the BBC. He said "I realised too late that life was for living". I took that to heart and changed a wee bit from that day forth.

[sherrardk]

Does this other person know that you are not free and what about his situation? Has he got a family to consider? I personally think this sort of situation is very selfish, if you are bored then do something about it. You are using your partner because you are too cowardly to end it and look for someone else when you are free to do so.

[boxtops]

mintee, I think you would find that you DID mind if all of a sudden, your bloke fancies a bit on the side. An open relationship - IMO - begs the question as to why the couple have hooked up together in the first place, if you're not prepared to give your all to making it work. It's a very selfish set-up if one of you is committed (as yoru bloke is) but you are only, it seems, playing at it. As pinki says, your partner is real life, not the game you want to play.

[Mintee]

Pinki - thank you for answering the question. I'd not thought about that last option and you're right, if he wanted more out of it than I did it would be awkward. I think it's unlikely that he'd tell the boyfriend but yes it would be devastating if he did. And in answer to previous posts - no I don't just want a dad for my kids. They have a dad that they spend 50% of their time with. But I knew I'd get hate for this and all your answers are totally justified.

[sara3]

in a relationship, the one who cares the least has all the power.

sad, but true..

[mccfluff]

if he doesn't want an open relationship and you do perhaps you are destined to go your separate ways. you know he will be be gutted if he finds out you've had an affair so at least respect him enough to finish it with him, if you so intend to see this other bloke.

i've been both sides and it might start out fun but i doesn;t end up that way

[boxtops]

I don't think you're getting hate, mintee, just dismay that you are potentially heading for disaster.

[jackthehat]

Do you live with your chap at the minute ?

[Mintee]

Red - surely it's a but much to worry about what my children (v young) may or may not think of me and my situation when they grow up? They get much love and care and I'm never going to tell them that marriage, kids and monogamy is the only way. Boo - I know you don't know who I am but I have to say I value your answers to a lot of other questions so thank you for pointing that out - if he cried then it would indeed make me feel sh*t and I should take that into account. Pinki - yes quite regular but I don't post on Chatterbank much so you prob don't know me! Rainbowitch - good point but no, he asked me out BEFORE he knew I was in a relationship. I agree that it can sometimes be a power trip though. Boxy - you may indeed question why people have an open relationship, but surely you are mature enough to know that not everyone subscribes to the prescriptive life that society maps out for us - monogamy, marriage, kids...?

[starone]

I read somewhere that the most important sex organ in the body is the brain, so all I can say, is for heaven's sake use it!!

[cazzz1975]

these things rarely end happily, dont be so sure that your partner will stay with you no matter what. you will be surprised.