Having an affair

[Mintee]

I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but...

I'm in a relationship that is happy but dull. I've met someone recently that I would love to see more of. I suppose my ideal situation would be to maintain my current relationship because breaking up with him would break his heart (and because we both get something good out of the relationship). He was single for a long time before we met and thinks I am his ideal woman.

But.... I've never been one for long-term monogamy and the idea of meeting up with the person I've met for some no-strings fun is very appealing.

Has anyone else done something similar and if so, did it go as you planned or was it a total f*cking nightmare in practice?

[sara3]

the point is, it's okay for anyone to do exactly what they like if it's okay with everyone involved.
your partner deserves the truth so that he can make an informed decision as to what he wants to do.
but you know he won't accept it, and that is why (in my opinion) it is wrong.

[Mintee]

JTH - no I don't live with him. I never would. I have no desire to get married or live with someone ever again. We have a fairly casual relationship from my point of view - we see each other two or three times a week. Thank you McFluff, you are probably right about us being destined to evenutally go our separate ways. I think I would feel worse if I was avoiding ending it for ME - i.e. because I didn't want to risk ending up alone. But it's not like that. I don't mind being alone. I'm avoing ending it because he'll be totally cut up and the kids will be sad. No, that's not my big head. It's fact. Grasscarp, thank you for your very interesting responses.

[PUSSYCAT1969]

I'm in your situation right now Mintee,so i know how u feel.
I'm very happy with my partner and certainly don't want to rock the boat,however,the only thing wrong is our incompatable libidos.
I'm always gagging for it,he is nowhere near as randy as me,so i have considered a no strings affair.
As yet i've done nothing about it as guilt rears it's head all the time & the other silly thing is i'd be gutted if he did that to me,so,a difficult one to know what to do.There certainly isn't any straight answer to the dilemma.

[sherrardk]

If your long term aim is to only to have short-term, fun relationships, maybe you should avoid introducing your partners to your children? You have stated that you don't want to be tied down or to marry/live with someone so maybe this would be fairest to your children?

[DTCwordfan]

I share sara's views here - that from what you have written your partner is not going to be that happy about this.......

I too have been there and would not advocate it as there is indeed a lot of hurt involved when stories break.....some true and some untrue.

You need to think long and hard about this - a happy family and stable relatiosnhip vs the risk of an unhappy family and loads of emotional problems, all for what might just be a short affair.......and finally how will the end game pan out? None of us can answer that but probably it will be messy as many before have indicated.

[sara3]

he'll be far more "cut up" if he finds out..

[Mintee]

Pinki- I know, I follow your posts... but I also know that I am probably very insignificant in the scale of general AB posts! So you probably don't know me,

Sara - thank you, this is the point that a friend of mine made when I asked her for advice. It's not just the sexual act that hurts, it's the deceit. You are right and I think from all the answers tonight I have made a decison. I won't change the way I feel about relationships but I will endeavour to be honest with others. If I was a bloke I do feel it might be easier/more accepted, I do wonder when society will start to realise that women are equally interested in sex/being fulfilled.

[jackthehat]

I think you'd have received the same answers if you had been gender neutral in your descriptions..........
It's the betrayal of a decent 'love' that is the issue.

[cazzz1975]

deception is never accepted, whoever is doing it...

[piggynose]

you cad sunt!!

[Mintee]

Pussycat - you are in a situation that I was in a few years back. You are conditioned, as a woman, to believe men want it all the time. If they don't you feel inadequate. I've had a fella with low sex drive, I felt broccoli and as you say, I felt an affair would almost be deserved. But I was angry to find out he was using porn - doesn't normally bother me one jot, I love it too, but it seemed annoying given that he didn't want sex with me.

Sherrard - you are right, I would avoid introducing men to my kids in future, With current man I waited many months.

[DTCwordfan]

I think that the conclusion of this mintee is that you need a long heart to heart with your man.

If it helps (and it has helped me in the past), put your thoughts on to paper or as a Word document. This enable us to structure and think through our thoughts, then you can take rlection time before sending it over, and when it does 'arrive' it gives an air of seriousness to what you are wanting to convey.......and it helps take some emotion out of the equation

[Mintee]

JTH - maybe. I don't know. I do think that people are ready to believe men cheat because of a genetic predisposition to sow their seed, whereas women must be somehow evil to think about it.

[Mintee]

Pinki - the worst thing is, I am getting enough. And it's good. This goes back to my original point. I love my current bloke. I enjoy our sex life. But Christ, I would REALLY enjoy sex with this new guy too. So obviously I'm greedy and in our puritanical society should probably burn in hell for wanting to enjoy life at a maximum level...

[factor-fiction]

Welcome back Pussycat1969. Where have you been for the last 3+ years and what brought you back?

[jackthehat]

No.
I think you'll find that infidelity by either partner is pretty much frowned on by most right-thinking folks.

[DTCwordfan]

and I suggest a read of "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".......lot of sense and basic sexual psychology in that book

[grasscarp]

Mintee, you have had enough answers here to know that anything can happen. My gut feeling is that you will go for it. Best of luck. It is your life and I, for one, wish you well in whatever you decide to do.