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Having an affair
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I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this but...
I'm in a relationship that is happy but dull. I've met someone recently that I would love to see more of. I suppose my ideal situation would be to maintain my current relationship because breaking up with him would break his heart (and because we both get something good out of the relationship). He was single for a long time before we met and thinks I am his ideal woman.
But.... I've never been one for long-term monogamy and the idea of meeting up with the person I've met for some no-strings fun is very appealing.
Has anyone else done something similar and if so, did it go as you planned or was it a total f*cking nightmare in practice?
I'm in a relationship that is happy but dull. I've met someone recently that I would love to see more of. I suppose my ideal situation would be to maintain my current relationship because breaking up with him would break his heart (and because we both get something good out of the relationship). He was single for a long time before we met and thinks I am his ideal woman.
But.... I've never been one for long-term monogamy and the idea of meeting up with the person I've met for some no-strings fun is very appealing.
Has anyone else done something similar and if so, did it go as you planned or was it a total f*cking nightmare in practice?
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I did this years ago and it really wasn't worth it. 'Excitement' turned into me looking over my shoulder every 2 mins, imagining every bad mood or 'off' comment from my partner meant that he knew what was going on and me falling for the other guy - who didn't want anything more than no strings fun. My partner did eventually find out, and even though our relationship was dead in the water by this point and I more or less loathed him, I still hated myself for hurting him so much. It pretty much destroyed him and it took him a long long time before he could trust anyone again - he even cut all his friends out of his life. As a result of all that I hated myself for years and avoided relationships cos I felt unworthy of anyone's love or trust. It did so much damage and not just to him. If you want no strings fun then end things with this guy and make it clear to any future bed partners that you want no strings fun or an open relationship - at least then they can say one way or the other if they want it too.
Yes, I've done it. It wasn't planned, just came out of a close friendship that started on line and continued in real life when we met, so could hardly go to plan !
In practice it wasn't so difficult, but the circumstances were not usual in that our partners were out all day and we were based at home, so it was easy to arrange to meet.
That said, it was more about the friendship than the sex, as good as that was. We helped each other through some difficult times and enjoyed a lot of laughter, lightness and good conversation over coffees as well.
In practice it wasn't so difficult, but the circumstances were not usual in that our partners were out all day and we were based at home, so it was easy to arrange to meet.
That said, it was more about the friendship than the sex, as good as that was. We helped each other through some difficult times and enjoyed a lot of laughter, lightness and good conversation over coffees as well.
//Boxy - you may indeed question why people have an open relationship, but surely you are mature enough to know that not everyone subscribes to the prescriptive life that society maps out for us - monogamy, marriage, kids...?//
I don't question other people's lifestyles at all - each to their own, you would find me accepting of any sort of relationship patterns, and always have been. Mature is a strange word to apply - IMO, this sort of knowledge doesn't come with maturity, more with experience. Of course not everyone subscribes to a norm, we are all different, but the expectations of any long-term partners in a relationship should be the same. Yours and your partner's clearly aren't - he sounds a one-woman sort of guy.
My question about open relationships was more as to why you'd entered into a relationship if it would tie you, but you've since explained that you don't live together, and IMO not being live-in partners can make for a looser relationship than if you share a roof. I've tried many models of relationship during my life - I know what suits me now - it sounds as if you are still looking.
I don't question other people's lifestyles at all - each to their own, you would find me accepting of any sort of relationship patterns, and always have been. Mature is a strange word to apply - IMO, this sort of knowledge doesn't come with maturity, more with experience. Of course not everyone subscribes to a norm, we are all different, but the expectations of any long-term partners in a relationship should be the same. Yours and your partner's clearly aren't - he sounds a one-woman sort of guy.
My question about open relationships was more as to why you'd entered into a relationship if it would tie you, but you've since explained that you don't live together, and IMO not being live-in partners can make for a looser relationship than if you share a roof. I've tried many models of relationship during my life - I know what suits me now - it sounds as if you are still looking.
Like all opportunities, taking them closes the doors on alternative choices. By persuing the affair you will gain the excitement of a new partner but you will sacrifice the opportunity to follow some of the potential of your current relationship.
Only you can make the choice about what you really value. Just be sure you are aware of the bigger picture. However it is also only fair that you allow your partner to make his decision with full knowledge of the facts too.
The passion of youth is spectacular and attraction can be a powerful phenomenon. However, as we age the the circumstances change and the depth of the love for another becomes far more significant than the incendiary lust of youth. This kind of deep attraction is not found in a relationship that involves deceit.
I have little to compare but in my experience it looks very much like it would be very difficult for the thrill of novel sex to hold a candle to the depth of passion that comes in a long term intimate connection with one other person.
My perspective? I have been both the "unfaithful perpetrator" and "the other person". In our case we both ultimately left our original relationships. In the end it is a gamble and we were lucky because we found what we were looking for. It still meant sacrifices and for some they loose more than they gain. Either way we must be happy with the path we choose.
Only you can make the choice about what you really value. Just be sure you are aware of the bigger picture. However it is also only fair that you allow your partner to make his decision with full knowledge of the facts too.
The passion of youth is spectacular and attraction can be a powerful phenomenon. However, as we age the the circumstances change and the depth of the love for another becomes far more significant than the incendiary lust of youth. This kind of deep attraction is not found in a relationship that involves deceit.
I have little to compare but in my experience it looks very much like it would be very difficult for the thrill of novel sex to hold a candle to the depth of passion that comes in a long term intimate connection with one other person.
My perspective? I have been both the "unfaithful perpetrator" and "the other person". In our case we both ultimately left our original relationships. In the end it is a gamble and we were lucky because we found what we were looking for. It still meant sacrifices and for some they loose more than they gain. Either way we must be happy with the path we choose.
Karen, Huderon and Beso, thank you for your personal experiences and honest answers. Boxy you are right in that I probably do not know what I want, or at least what I think I want this week is often different the next so perhaps it is me that needs some maturity. I've certainly decided that I have to be honest with the boyfriend either way. Ta all
It gets complicated!
If you can seperate emotional atatchment from sex, you may have a shot at leading the double life. You also need to be able to come home to your partner and look them in the eye, again it depends what kind of person you are. I couldnt do it, thought I could but each time I looked at my girlfriend, I was chocked up and felt like crying and I am a pretty tough bloke. I broke it off with the "other" woman and managed to mend my relationship, we split up for other reasons, but I always carried the guilt with me and nearly told her quite a few times. But, that was years ago when I was more concerned with fun and no-strings. These days I could happily settle.
If you can seperate emotional atatchment from sex, you may have a shot at leading the double life. You also need to be able to come home to your partner and look them in the eye, again it depends what kind of person you are. I couldnt do it, thought I could but each time I looked at my girlfriend, I was chocked up and felt like crying and I am a pretty tough bloke. I broke it off with the "other" woman and managed to mend my relationship, we split up for other reasons, but I always carried the guilt with me and nearly told her quite a few times. But, that was years ago when I was more concerned with fun and no-strings. These days I could happily settle.
Mintee at the end of the day you will do what you want! I have done it and had it done to me (I would say that I thought I wa in love with the person so not really driven by the same motivation as you). All times left a trail of broken hearts. Just a light hearted warning, nevertheless a very serious point - I cheated on a Scorpio and we split up but he wreaked horrendous revenge on me for at least 15 years which will never stop upsetting me until the day I die (would add a child was involved). Just be careful.
Your in a relationship with one man and feel happy enough with what it offers, However your bored with this man and due to this are seeking to " play " in new horizons. " without being being fare honest or decent to your original man "
The only real questions you need to ask yourself is
" Am i a two faced back stabbing person "
" how would i feel to have this done to me , if i respected and expected this person to be MY ideal partner "
and last but not least
Am i mature enough to be in a lasting relationship " and be faithful "
Lets face facts , people do cheat on their partners. Many even get away with it.
However if this man describes you as HIS idea partner , then he obviously views yourself as someone he would sooner or later want to settle down with. Along with that he is investing a lot of emotional trust and feelings in your direction.
You are not stupid and you will already realise how much this is going to hurt him. So consider how it would feel to have the shoe on the other foot.
Do the Decent thing make your mind up and instead of heading down the road of " more pain upset for your partner". make a choice one or the other. If you truely care for them you wouldnt want to hurt them more than needed.
having your cake and eating else where is dangerous, not just emotionaly. " remember there are transmitable problems which would / could give your game away and add insult to injury"
The only real questions you need to ask yourself is
" Am i a two faced back stabbing person "
" how would i feel to have this done to me , if i respected and expected this person to be MY ideal partner "
and last but not least
Am i mature enough to be in a lasting relationship " and be faithful "
Lets face facts , people do cheat on their partners. Many even get away with it.
However if this man describes you as HIS idea partner , then he obviously views yourself as someone he would sooner or later want to settle down with. Along with that he is investing a lot of emotional trust and feelings in your direction.
You are not stupid and you will already realise how much this is going to hurt him. So consider how it would feel to have the shoe on the other foot.
Do the Decent thing make your mind up and instead of heading down the road of " more pain upset for your partner". make a choice one or the other. If you truely care for them you wouldnt want to hurt them more than needed.
having your cake and eating else where is dangerous, not just emotionaly. " remember there are transmitable problems which would / could give your game away and add insult to injury"
I can't see how I could answer anything but yes to S_C's first question but of course the judgement was already made without my having to say anything.
I understand the need to make judgements as it is an emotive topic, even though I only really asked if anyone had done something similar and what happened. As regards to how I would feel, I think I've answered that. In fact I did find out after a four year relationship finished that my ex had been having an affair. I was curious and surprised but not crushed. It did not affect my ability to trust others, I am capable of recognising that the way one man/woman behaves is not indicative of the entire gender. But I can see that the problem is the deceit more than anything else which is why I said earlier that I intend to be honest.
I understand the need to make judgements as it is an emotive topic, even though I only really asked if anyone had done something similar and what happened. As regards to how I would feel, I think I've answered that. In fact I did find out after a four year relationship finished that my ex had been having an affair. I was curious and surprised but not crushed. It did not affect my ability to trust others, I am capable of recognising that the way one man/woman behaves is not indicative of the entire gender. But I can see that the problem is the deceit more than anything else which is why I said earlier that I intend to be honest.
im happy when you found out your previous partner was cheating ,that it did not crush you or stop your ability to trust others.
however as i understand it you are as yet only considering this course of action, so if you felt i implied judgement then maybe i should have worded my responce a little differently. as i ment none.
the fact your willing to be open and honest with regards your feelings and possible intentions , the only thing left is for you to advice your current partner of your desires 'for an open relationship' . What falls then depends on you both, as from that moment onwards you carryon with full knowledge.
however as i understand it you are as yet only considering this course of action, so if you felt i implied judgement then maybe i should have worded my responce a little differently. as i ment none.
the fact your willing to be open and honest with regards your feelings and possible intentions , the only thing left is for you to advice your current partner of your desires 'for an open relationship' . What falls then depends on you both, as from that moment onwards you carryon with full knowledge.
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