ChatterBank4 mins ago
It Is A Strange, Strange World
I don't know if this couple will be successful in their attempt to 'encourage' their son and d-i-l to start a family.
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I read this story yesterday.
Mr Prasad and his wife should mins their own business. The telling phrase in the article I read was Mr Prasad saying "We finally got him married last year." It is not up to him to "get his son married." They need telling.
Apart from that the article has the exchange rate wrong. 50 million rupees is about £520,000 (give or take), not £52k. They have it correct further down when it says that Mr Prasad paid 3.5million rupees (£38,500) for his son's flying training.
Mr Prasad and his wife should mins their own business. The telling phrase in the article I read was Mr Prasad saying "We finally got him married last year." It is not up to him to "get his son married." They need telling.
Apart from that the article has the exchange rate wrong. 50 million rupees is about £520,000 (give or take), not £52k. They have it correct further down when it says that Mr Prasad paid 3.5million rupees (£38,500) for his son's flying training.
I seem to remember when my daughter got married I gave her away; that means I no longer have any control over her. I know this is a son we're discussing but the principle is the same ie, once they're married their life is their own. Whether or not my daughter had any children was none of my business nor anyone else's. She happened to have two (much to our surprise) and (I hope) we've been good grandparents to them but we take nothing for granted.
I think we have to be mindful of cultural differences when looking at this story.
Asian culture in regard to marriage is very different to ours, and although perfectly normal and acceptable to them, it seems restrictive and wrong to our Western sensibilities.
It is quite possible that the couple's son has an arranged marriage, as is common in India and Pakistan, and if so, they are quite correct is stating that they 'got him married' because they will have selected his bride for him.
There is also a different expectation in terms of grandchildren in other cultures.
As Westerners, we may hope that our children will give us the gift of grandchildren, but it would be foolish parents indeed who tried to seriously influence their children's decision, which we see as theirs and theirs alone.
Admittedly, this couple are taking their desire for grandchildren to a level that we would consider unacceptably extreme, but that is not to say that their desire to influence their family will not have the desired effect.
The desire to please parents by Asian families is seen as far more important than in Western culture, and it may be that the children will consider accepting and complying with their parents' and parents-in-law's wishes.
Watch this space.
Asian culture in regard to marriage is very different to ours, and although perfectly normal and acceptable to them, it seems restrictive and wrong to our Western sensibilities.
It is quite possible that the couple's son has an arranged marriage, as is common in India and Pakistan, and if so, they are quite correct is stating that they 'got him married' because they will have selected his bride for him.
There is also a different expectation in terms of grandchildren in other cultures.
As Westerners, we may hope that our children will give us the gift of grandchildren, but it would be foolish parents indeed who tried to seriously influence their children's decision, which we see as theirs and theirs alone.
Admittedly, this couple are taking their desire for grandchildren to a level that we would consider unacceptably extreme, but that is not to say that their desire to influence their family will not have the desired effect.
The desire to please parents by Asian families is seen as far more important than in Western culture, and it may be that the children will consider accepting and complying with their parents' and parents-in-law's wishes.
Watch this space.
I suppose that they see children and grandchildren as an investment to ensure that they are cared for in their old age.
I know that my dad fell head over heels in love with his first grandchild, my mother had died a few years prior to this. There was no expectation that grandchildren would arrive.
I have had absolutely no desire to have offspring (I prefer cats and dogs) but my brother now has three.
I know that my dad fell head over heels in love with his first grandchild, my mother had died a few years prior to this. There was no expectation that grandchildren would arrive.
I have had absolutely no desire to have offspring (I prefer cats and dogs) but my brother now has three.
//It is quite possible that the couple's son has an arranged marriage, as is common in India and Pakistan, and if so, they are quite correct is stating that they 'got him married' because they will have selected his bride for him.//
Yes Andy, it's almost certain that the marriage was arranged. Culture or not, that practice is an abomination and has no place in today's world.
Yes Andy, it's almost certain that the marriage was arranged. Culture or not, that practice is an abomination and has no place in today's world.
I agree SP, forced marriages are an abomination but most arranged marriages are not. Indeed it is common to have both parties (those getting married) to agree and not the parents. Personally I think there is something to be said for that and I wouldnt be surprised if it takes of here now it is like treading on egg shells with some women (and many of the rest are just slappers).
NewJudge - As others have pointed out, an arranged marriage is not the same as a forced marriage.
It seems very strange and wrong to our Western morals, because it is so different from what we know.
But we don't have the moral high ground simply because other cultures arrange their lives differently from us.
It seems very strange and wrong to our Western morals, because it is so different from what we know.
But we don't have the moral high ground simply because other cultures arrange their lives differently from us.
I didn't actually find it odd or reprehensible. I suppose I'm used to S.Asian family structures and ways of thinking. They are actually acting in a perfectly comprehensible way and are no doubt supported by their friends and community. It's yet another difficulty in East meeting West.
Younger generations owe their parents. Simple as that. The whole mindset is of respectable, supportive family continuity.
Younger generations owe their parents. Simple as that. The whole mindset is of respectable, supportive family continuity.
Jourdain,
You say that Younger generations owe their parents. Simple as that.
I don't agree with that. If the younger generation makes the decision to care for parents or grandparents that is one thing.
But I don't feel that the younger generations should have an obligation to care for older family members.
My mother used to say that children don't ask to be born and that they owe their parents nothing.
You say that Younger generations owe their parents. Simple as that.
I don't agree with that. If the younger generation makes the decision to care for parents or grandparents that is one thing.
But I don't feel that the younger generations should have an obligation to care for older family members.
My mother used to say that children don't ask to be born and that they owe their parents nothing.
It depends on how much real say the couple has to a proposed arranged marriage. If they feel they can't object due to family pressure then someone else telling you who you must live and have sex with for the rest of your life, counts as abomination.
As for the compensation nonsense, I can't think it'll help the couple get in the mood, ever. And it's a ridiculous idea regardless of culture. It may even cause a permanent family rift in the relationships.
As for the compensation nonsense, I can't think it'll help the couple get in the mood, ever. And it's a ridiculous idea regardless of culture. It may even cause a permanent family rift in the relationships.
Interestingly they hadn't spent on their son's education because they loved and wanted the best for him, but so they could expect him to obey all demands for the rest of his life. Their desire for grandchildren apparently trumps anything anyone else wants, and even circumstances. Have they never come across the concepts of selfishness and egotism ?
Yes wolf, 23.07, I understand what you say BUT I was speaking from the POV of a very different mindset. You cannot possibly understand the actions of these parents if you don't understand the generally accepted expectations of the culture. I did not say that I approved of it - I don't - but it really is 'How it is' in other cultures.
I am neither confused nor ignorant. It is arranged marriages I am referring to, not forced marriages.
I know two people who have suffered arranged marriages. The first had met his bride-to-be briefly only twice before his wedding day. It didn’t matter too much because three days before the event he attempted suicide. Fortunately he was not successful but upon release from hospital he had to move to a secure location because of threats to kill him made by both his own family and that of his “fiancé”. The second did go through with the wedding, much against her real wishes. She did not want to bring shame on her parents and go against their plans for her. Four months later she left her husband. It was rumoured that DV was the principle driver behind the split but I have no knowledge of whether that’s true. She has lost all ties with her own family and her husband’s family have similarly threatened her.
These particular parents seemed to go even further than that, deciding that having a grandchild is a right which they believe they have “bought” by paying to bring up their son. Of course they didn’t think for one moment that it not just their son who is involved here. His wife will be far more affected by carrying and bearing a child - something she may not be ready for or even want at all. It is not a question of differing morals. No parents have the right or the privilege to dictate marriage terms and lifestyle choices to their adult children and others in this way. It is outrageous that any parents should believe they have the right to make such important lifetime decisions on their behalf. If it was attempted by “Western” parents – especially when accompanied by threats - it would, quite rightly, be denounced as the coercive controlling behaviour that it is. Cloaking it in acceptability on the grounds of differing cultures does nothing to justify it. It is unacceptable and the sooner it is widely condemned and the people indulging in it move forward a few centuries into the 21st, the better it would be all round.
I know two people who have suffered arranged marriages. The first had met his bride-to-be briefly only twice before his wedding day. It didn’t matter too much because three days before the event he attempted suicide. Fortunately he was not successful but upon release from hospital he had to move to a secure location because of threats to kill him made by both his own family and that of his “fiancé”. The second did go through with the wedding, much against her real wishes. She did not want to bring shame on her parents and go against their plans for her. Four months later she left her husband. It was rumoured that DV was the principle driver behind the split but I have no knowledge of whether that’s true. She has lost all ties with her own family and her husband’s family have similarly threatened her.
These particular parents seemed to go even further than that, deciding that having a grandchild is a right which they believe they have “bought” by paying to bring up their son. Of course they didn’t think for one moment that it not just their son who is involved here. His wife will be far more affected by carrying and bearing a child - something she may not be ready for or even want at all. It is not a question of differing morals. No parents have the right or the privilege to dictate marriage terms and lifestyle choices to their adult children and others in this way. It is outrageous that any parents should believe they have the right to make such important lifetime decisions on their behalf. If it was attempted by “Western” parents – especially when accompanied by threats - it would, quite rightly, be denounced as the coercive controlling behaviour that it is. Cloaking it in acceptability on the grounds of differing cultures does nothing to justify it. It is unacceptable and the sooner it is widely condemned and the people indulging in it move forward a few centuries into the 21st, the better it would be all round.
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