A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The...
A salesman in a city he'd never visited before was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 22 Greek St. By mistake, he went to...
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been...
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of night in Liverpool and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon,...
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, 'I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.' He turned around and said, "Oh, so, you...
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she...
My little Spanish nephew can’t even say please yet...that’s poor for four! _________________ Did you hear about the Spanish-speaking magician? He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count...
"Been drinking sir?" the policeman asked. "I had 1 earlier, that was it," I replied. "I think you've had more than 1 sir. Would you step out of the van please." "Why?" I asked. "Because the Postman...
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mum, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.” “That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide...
Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of...
Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "I've got a dog." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?" I...
I spent half an hour trying to cross a busy road today.
A passer by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."
I said, "I hope he's having better bloody luck than me!"...
My torch broke so I took it to a repair shop run by four German brothers, all called Hans... Many Hans make light work! __________________ The barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?" I said,...
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man...
A man lost both his ears in an accident. However, the surgeon was able to perform a groundbreaking operation grafting two pigs ears in their place. A hospital spokesperson reported the operation was a...
During my check up I asked my doctor 'Do you think I will live a long and healthy life then?' He replied 'I doubt it somehow - Mercury is in Uranus right now'. I said 'I don't believe in any of that...
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.'' ''In that case doctor,'' said the patient, ''I'll...
Doing my weekly shop in morrisons today. I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all. Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer. I felt so...
A man is visiting a dating agency. Man 'What I'm looking for is an unattractive woman in late middle age but looking a lot older. I'd like her to be harsh tongued, needlessly aggressive and with a...
I walked into a car showroom last night and I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in your shop window." He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in our...