ChatterBank0 min ago
I got home from the pub last night and the wife through a fit at me. "You're drunk again." She wailed. "I'm not drunk." I replied. "Yes you are you're damn well intoxicated." she insisted. "I am not...
Mike and John were talking about their co-worker, Dan. Mike: "What happened to Dan today? He didn’t show up to work this morning." John: "Oh, Dan’s in the hospital getting treatment for a few broken...
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected....
Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?" Bride: "But darling, we are alone, aren't we?"...
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you...
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That...
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care....
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not...
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of...
People have always named their children after expensive things - Mercedes, Dior, Chardonny etc. Next year watch out for electricity, gas and petrol. Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is...
A young boy stopped by the corner grocery store and read his list to the clerk: "10 pounds if sugar at £1.25 a pound; 4 pounds of coffee at £1.50 a pound; 2 pounds of butter at £1.10 a pound and 2...
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back....
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she...
I used to own a wheelbarrow that was full of four-leaved clovers.
Had to get rid of it in the end.
I realised I was pushing my luck...
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down....
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said that it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right. We had six matching balls..................
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right....
Chap down the pub said he wasn't worried about the rise in the price of petrol as
he only put in 20 quid's worth at a time....
... German children are always kinder...
