Christmas3 mins ago
A Texan walks into a pub in Scotland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says: "I hear you Scots are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give £500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots...
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide with Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and...
A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she...
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction, but I know I can win her back...
Some annoying cold caller guy, phoned me and tried to sell me a luxury coffin.
I told him, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that"...
50 per cent of people who go to watch The Cure end up watching Placebo, but enjoy it just as much.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? So what? My mum's 97. ________ The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good...
I have won a competition for a years supply of Marmite -- one jar
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise...
One evening Erik Ten Hag's phone rings. It's the fire brigade telling him Old Trafford is on fire. "The Cups" shouts Hag. "Save the cups" "Don't worry sir" says the fireman " The flames haven't got to...
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their willies?"...
I spent yesterday morning building a time machine, so that's four and a half hours of my life I'm definitely getting back.
Not sure why it’s in Jokes because the situation isn’t funny and I don’t want to be told off by Buenchico if I put it in Chatterbank but here it is! https:/
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site when a slate falls down slicing off Paddy's ear. Murphy finds it and says to Paddy "is this yours Paddy"? "No" says Paddy, "mine has a pencil behind...
Yesterday I went swanning around the town centre.
I hissed at people, and broke a man's arm....
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing
A man runs into a pet shop and puts a bomb on the counter. 'You have 60 seconds to get out' he says as he runs for the door.
"Oh ***" yells a Tortoise from the back of the shop....
Two Scots, Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding. "Ach it's all going well, I've got everything organised, I've even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says, "That's braw, what's the...
..history lesson.
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