News1 min ago
Sundays are a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
When my friend parked in a hospital car park, the attendant came up and said “This car park is for badge holders only”.
My friend replied, “That's fine, I’ve got a bad shoulder”...
I accidentally sat on the wife's hair dryer.
That put the wind up me....
I went to my tool shed to get some tools out, and noticed some wasps busily building a nest, hanging down from the roof. While at the hard wear store, I picked up a can of insecticide and asked "is...
A van shed its load of dirty laundry while attempting to overtake an articulated lorry on the motorway.
Police were at the scene measuring the skid marks....
My friend bought a racing filly but she was far too much of an extrovert so he exchanged her for a shire horse.
I went to the doctor and said I'm frightened of lapels.
He said you've got cholera....
A man goes to his GP with terrible stomach cramps.Doctor prescribes suppositoriesthree times a day for a week.Man returns to doctor after a week. Doctor "Are you feeling any better?". Man replies "No...
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.' A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ***!' The judge...
Two chaps in the pub and one says "The wife should be on the plane by now."
His mate says "Nice, where is she going?"
The first says "Nowhere, she's fitting a new kitchen door."...
"How did you meet your husband?"
"I'm a chemist and he came in to buy condoms. He asked for XXXXXL.
It was only after we married that I realised he stuttered!"...
A bloke bursting for the loo uses the ladies in a posh hotel. He sits down and notices four buttons, WW, WA, PP and ATR. Curious he presses WW and is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA and a...
A pair of ladies who have lost their amateur status are looking for business one night when an officer of the law approaches. One says to her mate "I'll get us out of this - Hi officer, do you want us...
So what if I don't know what apocalypse means.
It's not the end of the world....
A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke..............
My dog ate a bunch of scrabble tiles. I left him with the vet but still no word yet.............
A young mother answers the phone. "Hello, is that you mum?" "Yes." "I'm so glad you rang, I'm having an awful day, the washing machine broke, I've piles of ironing, I need to get the shopping, the...
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could...
A farmer stopped at the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the DIY shop and...
This reporter said to me "how do you explain the absence of Halley's flaming meteorite?"
I said "no comet"...
