Crosswords1 min ago
My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered Felix.
"Okay,"... ...
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered Felix.
"Okay,"... ...
I heard this outside Tesco this morning:
I was in line for the ATM, I overheard:
[Person 1]: Blimey, I don't get it..
[Person 2]: What's wrong?
[Person 1]: My card wont work.
[Person 2]: Did anything... ...
I was in line for the ATM, I overheard:
[Person 1]: Blimey, I don't get it..
[Person 2]: What's wrong?
[Person 1]: My card wont work.
[Person 2]: Did anything... ...
Gloria Gaynor invited 6 people to dinner, but only 5 turned up.
'Never mind' she said 'I will serve 5.'
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My wife had a right go at me when I went to the fancy dress party as a Jelly Baby.
I was... ...
'Never mind' she said 'I will serve 5.'
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My wife had a right go at me when I went to the fancy dress party as a Jelly Baby.
I was... ...
To speak clearly to your dog. https:/
I reported a large pot hole outside my house to the council. They said that they'd look into it.
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard... ...
I'm reaching out on behalf of a mate of mine who needs some help. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some... ...
When he came back he handed her some... ...
A man goes to a shrink one day and says
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me - every night she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anyone who asks her. What should I... ...
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me - every night she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anyone who asks her. What should I... ...
When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly. It was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on a damn... ...
Mirror, mirror on the wall You're not playing fair at all. I'm really now upset with you For giving this distorted view. You show my hair is turning grey; It's just the way the shadows play. I know that... ...
Paddy tells Seamus he's going away for a week on holiday, and ,Seamus says to him "Good, can you be pal and bring me back 200 cigarettes", and Paddy says he will do that for him. When they meet up... ...
https:/
Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died. It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders.
Jack takes his friend, Tom to show his newly constructed Bungalow.
Reaching main gate:
Jack: "this flower garden has awesome flowers imported from different corners of the world".
Tom: " Wow!!! "
They... ...
Reaching main gate:
Jack: "this flower garden has awesome flowers imported from different corners of the world".
Tom: " Wow!!! "
They... ...
My wife has stood by me for twenty years, I really should by another chair.
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Flambéed food.
Turns out it was just a flash in the pan.
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I really like shopping at my local Indian supermarket.
They... ...
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Flambéed food.
Turns out it was just a flash in the pan.
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I really like shopping at my local Indian supermarket.
They... ...
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy... ...
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy... ...
A soldier who was renting a house off me has ran off owing me 6 months rent. He told me he was a General but I discovered he is a left Tenant....
My French neighbour popped his head over my fence this morning - He had an accident whilst cleaning his guillotine!
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Superman is taking a midnight stroll past a church, when a priest runs down... ...
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Superman is taking a midnight stroll past a church, when a priest runs down... ...
Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets. "How in God's name did that happen?" says Paddy.
"Remember that night when I was very dry and we had no Vaseline and we had to use 3 in 1 oil?"
"BeJaysus," says... ...
"Remember that night when I was very dry and we had no Vaseline and we had to use 3 in 1 oil?"
"BeJaysus," says... ...
I told myself I should stop drinking!
But I'm not going to take advice from a drunk who talks to himself!
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I went out with a girl who was a discus thrower for a short while but it was only a... ...
But I'm not going to take advice from a drunk who talks to himself!
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I went out with a girl who was a discus thrower for a short while but it was only a... ...
