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1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it. 2. What's the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. 3. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care....
Mr Chang moved to a small estate in Ireland, only problem was that there were no Chinese restaurants there so he was forced to eat at Paddy's cafe. Chang's favourite food was fried rice and Paddy...
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart He said to...
A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won Lo Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he...
Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man...
I was in Tesco earlier, and I said to the checkout lady, "This has got today's date on it love. Can I get something knocked off?" She said, "Do you want the flipping newspaper or not? ________________...
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's...
A television licence detector calls at a house in Glasgow and asks to see the licence. But the wee woman is in an awful hurry to catch her bus. As she flies down the stairs she shouts back: "A've got...
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them breeding, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and...
I went out for Chinese food last night and got chatting with the waiter. He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was "Chow Mein". I said, "Correct me if...
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his...
A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy."
Doh!! Now myself living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine....
Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it...
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge." The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"...
The town drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?" "A mongoose." "What for?" "Well, you know how...
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Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake...
A Time Traveller walked into the bar.
The barman said “we don’t serve Time Travellers in here”...
THESE ARE REAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMSON HOLIDAYS. 1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.” 2. “They should...
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