Crosswords1 min ago
I've been blaming my washing machine for shrinking my clothes, I was wrong!
Turns out, it was the fridge all along....
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.
They told me steps had been put in place....
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the...
Jesus went from Jericho to Jerusalem on his ass.
Must be true, it's in the Bible....
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible....
A man hails a taxi. "Where to?" asks the driver. "Waterloo please." "The station?" asks the driver. "Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."...
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle
It really was a vile inn....
Children's play school teacher: "Now children, what is the shape of the earth?”
After a pause a little girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy…it's bloody terrible!”...
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What the heck did you do that for?!!"...
Just got fired from my job as a set designer.
I left without making a scene....
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical: - Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100? - That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke? - No - Do you drink? - No - Do you...
A chap at our local Shell garage told me that rising diesel prices don’t affect him because he only ever buys £20 worth at a time and it’s always £20 .....
On New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one...
News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them...
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided that if...
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day....
I stood for so long at the cheese counter, waiting to be served, I just went in to a trance-like state. Next thing I knew, I could hear a disembodied voice calling "hello, is it Brie you're looking...
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!...
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
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