Underwent neck surgery last year. I haven't looked back since. ___ People who say, "you know what I mean" a lot, are relying far too heavily on my mind reading skills. ___ My wife tells me I can be an...
I got thrown out of the staff room at my local Tesco yesterday afternoon. They sked me what I was doing in there. I told them I was on my break. They said but you don't work here. I said I'd just been...
When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them: I have two gifts to give you - one is to pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E..! M E..! I want it, please Lord......
They're making a new reality TV show following a family of sausage dogs driving a taxi. Its called, "Keeping Up With The Car Dachshunds." ___ Went on a cycling date and rode all the way with the front...
At the Fairy Liquid visitor centre, I watch a man turning people way. 'Why are you turning people away?' I asked. He replied....... 'I'm the Deter Gent'! ___ I want to build a career as an artist life...
The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached...
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months: The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors...
1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen 2. The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz...
I've just sorted out the cleaning rota at the zoo. The lion sweeps tonight. ___ I’ve stained an incisor chewing on a Biro. So I went to a phone shop to get it sorted. Turns out though, they can’t fix...
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a...
A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!" Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!" Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"...
My wife sent me to the supermarket. She said “Get two cartons of milk. If they’ve got carrots, get four.” I came back with four cartons of milk. She asked “Why did you get four cartons of milk?” I...
If you can't stop yourself making maritime puns all day long, sea kelp. ___ I’ve been hanging out at the gym a lot lately. The staff told me I need to get some bigger shorts. ___ Some advice.............