Jokes1 min ago
"Lord, I have a small problem. "What's the problem, Eve?" " I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake,...
A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair...
DOCTOR: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." PATIENT: "It was 2 and a half hours." ___ Just bought one of those low energy bulbs from B&Q. Assistant said 'will you be putting it up yourself...
AS the porter walked about the railway station, he noticed three girls sitting in the waiting room. They were looking upset, and were obviously crying. He went in. "Aw come on girls cheer up! Come...
I don't get out much these days, mainly because I have a 3ft wide cricket bat. (Owzat?)
___
A friend of mine is a retired cricket umpire.
He doesn't lift a finger now.
___...
Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting. It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with. ___ I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman...
I just picked up a hitchhiker on the most desolate road in the North Wales hillside. He asked me if I was worried he might be a serial killer. He jumped out as I was driving when I told him that the...
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on...
My son took his first steps this morning. The window cleaner was furious. ___ A driver was arrested after a road accident and told the police he had swerved to avoid an octopus in the middle of the...
I bought a second hand car from one of the Cray twins.
"What reg?"
Actually, it was Ronnie...
The Dalai Lama went to the fridge to get some spread for his toast for breakfast one morning, and was overwhelmed with emotion when he took the lid off the margarine, There before him was the image of...
The man who developed hard-boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.
R.I.P. Scott Chegg....
Agnes is in the butcher's shop. A young lady is walking around the shop looking at the various displays of meat. The lady gets to the counter and points to a large piece of meat inside the glass...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their...
The little known 11th Commandment was "Thou shalt not let anyone else cut your grass." That was Moses' own. ___ Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by planting an idea into the drinker's...
Two slices of bread got married .........
The ceremony was going great until somebody decided to toast the bride and groom....
Paddy is doing some roofing repairs for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts getting dizzy and shaking. He calls down to Murphy and says: "I think I'll have to go home I've gone all giddy...
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West: The young cowboy took a...
Paddy - I'm going to take up farming.
Murphy - Do you want to buy my sheep pens ?
Paddy - Feck me, I didn't know they could write!!...
Newly-released documents from NASA show that the team behind the space program did not work on it full-time, instead working on it during their launch break. ___ I told my doctor every time I eat rice...
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