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Went to the local Asda supermarket. The sign says 50% off selected items. So I picked up a £1000 tv. The cashier said: "That’s £1000 please." "I said: " NO it’s £500." Cashier said: " The 50% off is...
Knock Knock. Whos there?. Witches. Witches who?. Witch is the way to the store?.- Knock Knock. Whos there?. Hatch. Hatch who?. Bless You!. --- Doctor, Doctor. I have only got 59 seconds to live. Hang...
I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.
So I thought, why not?
I'm not using the roof rack for anything else....
ANYONE LIVING IN THE WALES/ENGLAND AREA. If so would you be interested in spending the day in a helicopter flight for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday...
The bank clerk asked if I could identify myself. I saw my reflection in the glass and said “yep that’s me!” ___ Chester zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world.. I can't see...
The police knocked on my door this morning. “Do the letters H.B. mean anything to you?” they asked. “No I said.” “What about G.D. then?” “No means nothing to me.” I said. “How about A.J.?” “Look,” I...
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight"...
About to go on holiday and my neighbour asks me to bring back 800 cigarettes for him. Got back and gave them to him. 'How much do I owe you?' '£600' 'Blimey, that's dear - where did you go?' 'Rhyl."...
Elton John held an inter-county boxing championship for nurses and found that Surrey seems to be the hardest ward. ___ I watched a documentary about the Normans last night. Amazing that such a large...
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the...
To pass the time, I decided to watch a little telly.
I just wish I'd bought a bigger one...
Why was Cinderella dropped from the football team?. She kept running away from the ball!. - What is the best thing about Switzerland?. I do not know, but the flag is a big plus!. - A century age two...
A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa. I told him I never accept suites from strangers! ___ I bought a wig made out of bum hair but had to take it back to the shop...
Waiter: "How do you like your steak sir?"
Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "Ah,rare it is then sir."...
The French must go food shopping early. I got the last mango in Paris. ___ I'm up in court next week for pinching oats from a farmer's field... I'll probably end up doing porridge........ ___ I have...
Paddy Murphy Died His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would...
Several men are in the locker room of a Dublin golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings,and Seamus pick’s up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room...
My wife was very annoying in bed last night. Tossing and turning then groaning that she couldn't get off to sleep. So I told her to try sleeping on the very edge of the bed.
She soon dropped off....
Just for the record, a person born in 33 was 45 in 78.
Three new recruits were being tested looking at a mug shot. The instructor asks the first recruit what he noticed. The recruit responded, "He had only one eye." The instructor reminded the recruit...
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